This is an expanded and updated version of a post originally published November 28, 2012.
It's Friday the Thirteenth! Which really is only a bummer if you're superstitious. Modern, educated people — like, say, journalists for a Great Metropolitan newspaper — don't believe in superstition! Why, in the clickbait pageturningbait of Pre-Crisis The Daily Planet, Perry "Non-Chief" White doesn't have a superstitious bone in his body! He also doesn't have a soup bone in his body, and that's only the first disappointment in this story for dogs.
from "Lois Lane's Kiss of Death!" in Lois Lane #7 (February 1959), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger
In any other universe (except perhaps Peter Parker's) this editorial edict would lead a dull and mundane tale of Lois reporting on something light and frothy that will get printed, if she's lucky, on the "Life In These Here United States" page. But not in a Pre-Crisis Superman tale! Yep, it all adds up to this...
Born on this date in 1818: French composer Charles Gounod, who wrote the operas Faust, Roméo et Juliette and others, and many short pieces including the popular Funeral March of a Marionette ("The Alfred Hitchcock Theme")! And because we don't want to go to the opera tonight (geez, it's a Friday, let us rest!) here's another patented BullysNotes Guide to the Famous Operas! Memorize it and forget it!
"Famous Operas: Faust" in Classics Illustrated #74 (Gilberton, August 1950), creators unkcredited and unknown
Born on this day in 1820: Florence Nightingale, charter member of the Legion of Super-Heroes, who could change into a bird and...oh, excuse me, I've made another one of my silly mistakes.
from Amazing Man Comics #12 (Centaur, May 1940); script, pencils, and inks by by Joseph A. Kaliff
Hoo boy, Lois Lane! As a comic magazine you are both a strike against women's liberation everywhere and yet a gold mine to bloggers. I could spend an entire month of Teniversaries covering the stories in Lois Lane #10 and you'd laff until you cried, not unlike a Night at the Comedy Club featuring Olly, the Onion Stand-Up Comic. (He'll run rings round the other comics!)
Anyway, here's the time...bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!...when Lois...hee-hee-hee-hee!...turned herself into a baby!BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Splash panel from "The Cry-Baby of Metropolis!" in Lois Lane #10 (July 1959), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger
Yes, this story is chock-full o' TOPLESS LOIS LANE. (Hello, Google image searchers!)
What happens is pretty much par for the course in any issue of Lois, three times per comic: a scientist pal of Superman's develops a mysterious de-aging ray! Naturally, Lois steps right in it to avoid a few wrinkles. Wrinkles, really? What are you in these stories, Lois...twenty-five? Twenty-seven? Well...not for long!
The only cure for the de-aging process? A good solid hyper-radioactive blast of Superman's X-ray vision! Sure, Lois never wanted kids anyway. But since Superman scolded Lois earlier in the story for doing all the rock-stupid stuff she usually does, she spends he rest of the adventure covertly trying to get Superman to shoot his X-ray eyes at her without telling him. And she's got to do it before she disappears backwards into a fetus and then a collection of zygotes, which wouldn't make a great Superman comic. Thus follows a ridiculous plot line of Lois's scheming that Jack, Chrissie, and Janet would have scoffed at.
And yes, of course Superman knows already, the big alien jerk. He was letting Lois learn her lesson. Because to Kal-El, it's all about ethics in Superman journalism.
90% of Lois Lane stories during the fifties are about "Superman teaching Lois Lane a lesson." This is one of them. (The other 10% are about Clark Kent teaching Lois Lane a lesson.) So let this fable of folly and foolishness end on the promise that Superman just might spank the half-naked woman he loves while she is a baby as her rival smirks on.The Silver Age, ladeez and gentlemen! This surely must be The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever!
Extra Lois-Bonus Bonus Lois!: Remember the classic scene in Superman III: The Quest for Richard Pryor where Evil Jerk Superman pushes the Leaning Tower of Pisa into a fully upright position? Sure, we all do! Mainly because it introduced a new member of the Superman supporting cast who has delighted readers of the Man of Steel for years, the Sensational New Character Find of 1983 (just narrowly squeaking out in the voting over Jason Todd, Amethyst, Primcess of Gemworld, and Beta Ray Bill), Singing Italian Guy!
Man, everybody loved that guy. That's why I'm sorry Singing Italian Guy never appeared in the second story of Lois Lane #10, which was all about Lois dating Dean Martin for some reason.
Panels from "Lois Lane's Romeo!" in Lois Lane #10 (July 1959), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger
Thank you, Superman, for helping keep artisanal creators and merchants of plaster replicas of the tilty Tower of Pisa in business for yet another year!
So, because she had a tenth issue of her comic book, we salute you, Miss Lois Calliopepants Lane! And what the heck, also you, Singing Italian Guy!
Panels The Superman Movie Special [Superman III] one-shot (September 1983), script by Cary Bates, pencils by Curt Swan, inks by Sal Amendola, colors by Carl Gafford, letters by Ben Oda
Yes, remember this as The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever!
Panel from "Lois Lane's Super-Brain!" in Lois Lane (1958 series) #27 (August 1961), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger
Yes, truly, this was The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever.
House ad for Lois Lane #77 (October 1967);
printed in World's Finest Comics #169 (September 1967)
Comic cover art: pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger, letters by Ira Schnapp
"Lois as a witch" heads taken from "The Witch of Metropolis" in Lois Lane #77 (originally printed in Lois Lane #1), script by Otto Binder, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger
Ad designed and lettered by Ira Schnapp
One of the great things, I'd always thought alllll those years ago since I started my 365 Days with... project with Ben Grimm, was that I could post a panel, make a funny alt-text comment, and then boom! There it was, instant post! And yet this year I find myself adding more and more panels and commentary to the DC House Ads (like here and here and here) until they become more like what I like to call (ahem) "regular posts." (Which is also why there's no Psylocke Psaturday again tonight. Sorry!)
Because seriously, could I resist showing you panels from the story where Lois turns into a witch? No, I could not.
You may remember this: that time when Lois killed a dog:
Panels from "Lois Lane's Kiss of Death!" in Lois Lane #7 (February 1959), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger
Well, just to prove she hasn't learned her lesson, tonight we present: Lois can't get enough of the dog-killing.
Panels from "The Case of the Kidnapped Canines" in Superman Family #210 (September 1981), script by Gerry Conway, pencils by Bob Oksner, inks by Vince Colletta, colors by Adrienne Roy, letters by Ben Oda
Geez, Lois, get some therapy!
Yes, truly, this was The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever.
from "Superman's Romance with Lana Lane!" in Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane (1958 eries) #41 (DC, May 1963), script by Jerry Siegel, pencils by Curt Swan, inks by George Klein
*This is not too far off from what happens in this book, actually.
Yes, truly, this was The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever.
House ad for Lois Lane #1 (March-April 1958);
printed in World's Finest Comics #93 (March-April 195)
Comic cover art: pencils by Curt Swan,
inks by Stan Kaye, letters by Ira Schnapp
Ad designed and lettered by Ira Schnapp
from "[Profiles]" in Action Comics Annual #11 (DC, July 2008), script by Geoff Johns, pencils by Stephane Roux, inks by Karine Boccanfuso, colors by Karine Boccanfuso
And below is the full two-page spread that image comes from. Click to Super-size!
Hey, Lois, who you gonna call?
Yes, truly, this was The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever.
It's just another day in Metropolis...a day where Lois Lane survives a grenade attack...in her underwear!
Panels from Superman Family #212 (December 1981)
...and on a day when Jimmy Olsen escapes from a deathtrap in his underwear...
...is the same day that Clark Kent watches Lou Grant.
Let's look at another day. Today, Lois Lane escapes being kidnapped by a gun-wielding crazy maniac taxi driver (in other words, a taxi driver):
...and Jimmy Olsen takes out a pair of organized criminal weasels using only his wits an an Ikea Kvart lamp!
It's the same day that Clark Kent sneezes.
"Oh, come on," you're saying. "It's not fair to judge what Clark does...after all, we should look at what Superman is up to!" Well, reasonable enough...
Oh, good work, Superman. You re-heated a cup of coffee.
So: your fine Superman line of comic books from DC! We all know who the star of them is, don't we?
Yes, truly, this was The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever.
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