Saturday, October 24, 2015

Let's Kill Hitler: Too Many Hitlers


Cover of Blackhawks (1957 DC series) #272 (September 1984), script by Mark Evanier, pencils and inks by Dan Spiegle, colors by Jerry Serpe, letters by Carrie McCarthy

For our final Hitler-killing expedition today I've saved the most for last. The most Hitlers, that is! And now, just what you've been waiting for: hot Charles de Gaulle on Adolf Hitler action!

Panels from Blackhawks (1957 DC series) #262 (September 1983), script by Mark Evanier, pencils and inks by Dan Spiegle, colors by Carl Gafford, letters by Carrie McCarthy

I'd like to say that, contrary to international perception of the French, de Gaulle socks Hitler in the jaw harder than Captain America and wins the war single-handedly! But actually, the Blackhawks rush in, push Hitler out of a window...

Then Hitler blows up real good! Whee-oo!

The Blackhawks killed Hitler! The Blackhawks killed Hitler! Or…did they?!?

No. No, they did not. It was a double.

Yep! A handful of issues earlier in the series, we saw the Ubermeister Project. Or, as I like to call it, The Hitler Bunch.

Panels from Blackhawk #256 (March 1983), script by Mark Evanier, pencils and inks by Dan Spiegle, colors by Carl Gafford, letters by Carrie McCarthy

(Which leads to this improbable statement being word-ballooned:)

Oh, did I mention there's an invisible man in this story? There's an invisible man in this story. Who wears glasses.

Anyway, back in Blackhawk #262, all the extra Hitlers have been dispatched to assassinate the leaders of the Allied countries. Here's everybody's World War II pal and Cold War villain, Josef Stalin!

from Blackhawk #262

That one's dead too! Well, what about the Hitler planning to kill FDR by crashing a plane into him? He's trapped when Olaf of the Blackhawks strings up a trip wire. Geez, when did Hitler become Wile E. Coyote?

Even Winston Churchill gets to see one of the exploding Hitlers. What, they just blow ip when you thump 'em on the chest? Talk about having a manufacturing defect.

That's pretty much fake Hitlers all around, then?

So, as we wrap up "Let's Kill Hitler" today, with a big heap of Hitlers piled up in the back yard, please note that none of them are Baby Hitlers.

Let's Kill Hitler: The Final Mission of the Unknown Soldier

Panel from Unknown Soldier #268 (October 1982), script by Bob Haney, pencils by Dick Ayers, inks by Gerry Talaoc, colors by Bob LeRose, letters by John Costanza

It really was his final mission. He dies in the last few pages and his book gets cancelled. For a comic book characters that's double death.

Let's Kill Hitler: Better leave the smashing to Hulk

It's so rare that a comic book cover caption so clearly spells out the exact theme of my post! Admittedly, Spy Smasher is about to shoot Hitler rather than smash Hitler, but we'll let it slide, even though a comic book entitled Hitler Shooter would've sold a bajillion copies in 1943.

Cover of Spy Smasher #10 (January 1943), pencils and inks by Alex Blum (?)

Man, is this guy excited about getting Hitler or what? He's like a kid on Hitler-Getting Eve!

Panels from "Why I Did Not Kill Hitler*" in Spy Smasher #10 (January 1943), pencils and inks by Alex Blum (?).
Apologies for the washed-out scans — they're from online photos of microfiche!

Aw, man, Hitler's just looking out the window to see if his bird feeder needs filling, dude!

It's nice to see a superhero take some pleasure in his work. Not to, say, the point of crazed helplessness that Spy Smasher is, but hey.

So, job satisfaction, World War II over, cigars and brandy all around, huh?

No! It was a just a double that he shot! Hitler's...window-looking double.

How does that make you feel about getting Hitler now, Spy Smasher?

Moral of the story? Stick to smashing.

* I guess the title of the story kinda gave it away anyway.

Let's Kill Hitler: In Which Chris Claremont Writes a Few Thousand Words about How Kitty Pryde Doesn't Kill Hitler

In X-Men: True Friends (an would-be Excalibur graphic novel series that got downgraded to an X-Men comic, Kitty Pryde goes back in time to 1936 with her "true friend" Rachel Summers (take that, Illyana Rasputin!) Also, she hangs around with the future Queen Elizabeth II! Marvel Team-Up!

Also: she vows to kill Hitler.

Panel from X-Men: True Friends #2 (October 1999), script by Chris Claremont, pencils by Rick Leonardi, inks by Al Williamson and Jimmy Palmiotti, colors by Shannon Blanchard, letters by Tom Orzechowski

Panels from X-Men: True Friends #3 (November 1999), script by Chris Claremont, pencils by Rick Leonardi, inks by Al Williamson, colors by Shannon Blanchard, letters by Tom Orzechowski

But, although Kitty talks a lot about killing Hitler, she never actually does.

I'm pretty sure if there's anyone in the Marvel Universe we'd like to be unsullied by killing Hitler, it's Kitty Pryde. And possibly Squirrel Girl.

Let's Kill Hitler: And now, a rebuttal from Mister James Buchanan Barnes

If you can follow all those criss-crossy word balloons, you'll see that Hawkeye Ronin asks the musical question we've been dealing with all day: "if you had a time machine yadda yadda yadda Hitler?"

Panel from Dark Avengers: The List: The Avengers one-shot (November 2009), script by Brian Michael Bendis, pencils by Marko Djurdjevic, inks by Mark Morales, colors by Marte Gracia, letters by Joe Caramagna

So, if we've learned nothing from the past three posts, it's that the Original Human Torch and Toro blasted, their way into Hitler's bunker in April '45, and the Torch and killed Hitler (even though his brain patterns were preserved in a clone body by Arnim Zola). That's a pretty good claim for the Human Torch to being the member of the WWII group the Invaders that killed Hitler. Right? Right, Bucky Barnes formerly of the Invaders, who is now the new Captain America?

Ehhhh…I'm pretty sure you didn't, Bucky.

But I don't blame Bucky. Ya know who I blame? Bendis.

Let's Kill Hitler: Torch Song Trilogy III: In 3-D

Panels from Torch #7 (June 2010); plot by Alex Ross, Jim Krueger, and Mike Carey; script by Mike Carey, pencils by Patrick Berkenkotter and Anthony Tan; colors by Carlos Lopez; letters by Todd Klein

Let's Kill Hitler: Torch Song Trilogy II: You're Fired

And just in case you never got a hold of a copy of What If? #4…

Panels from The Saga of the Original Human Torch #3 (June 1990), script by Roy Thomas, pencils by Rich Buckler, inks by Alfred Alcala, colors by Nel Yomtov, letters by Timothy Harkins

Wait, what did you say? "Hitler's consciousness had been transferred at the moment of his body's death into a brain cloned by Arnim Zola?" (which later became the Hate-Monger?) Well, that changes the verdict, guys!

To be continued…?

Let's Kill Hitler: Torch Song Trilogy I: A Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight

Panels from What If? (1977 series) #4 (August 1977), script by Roy Thomas, breakdowns by Frank Robbins, finishes by Frank Springer, colors by George Roussos, letters by Joe Rosen

Accepted into Marvel Earth-616 canon (even though it's an issue of What If?), this story is

Let's Kill Hitler: Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Hitler Down)"

Speaking of Hitler getting control of a time machine...

Panels from Deadpool (2013 series) #26 (May 2014), script by Gerry Duggan and Brian Posehn, pencils and inks by Scott Koblish, colors by Val Staples, letters by Joe Sabino

I enclose these panels just because it's that week.

Meanwhile, in 1954!

And this story of killing Hitler is

...because we actually see how Deadpool closed the usually troublesome temporal loop.

Say, but who really killed Hitler on Earth-616? If you've got a burning curiosity about that, find out in the next fiery installment!