The Eight Nights of Comic Book Hanukkah, Night One: Hanukkah Sameach!

"Never Again" from Merry X-Men Holiday Special #1 one-shot (Marvel, February 2019), script by Chris Claremont, pencils and inks by Terry Dodson and Rachel Dodson, colors by Chris Sotomayor, letters by Travis Lanham

Today in Comics History, June 15: The X-Men finally get rid of Kitty for a summer

from X-Men Gold Annual #2 (Marvel, October 2018), script by Seanan McGuire, pencils and inks by Marco Failla, colors by Rachelle Rosenberg, letters by Cory Petit

The 1992 2020 Marvel Age Calendar: In April I will just stay set / And smoke a Winston cigarette

Alas! Instead of the usual monthly 1992 calendar that we can use again in this shelter-at-home era of 2020, Marvel Age #112 instead provided us with this kinda-silly house ad:


Granted, this issue does give us the bovine excellence of Mark Texeira's TexCow:


But that doesn't solve the problem of needing an April 1992 calendar you can use to count of the many, many days we're all stayin' indoors. Tell ya what: here's the Winston Cigarettes Page-a-Day calendar for April 1992.


So smoke 'em if you got 'em tear off the pages every day to keep track of the rich, delicious taste and cool menthol that only aa Winston can give you each day you don't go out without gloves and a mask and unless you really need to, okay? Remember: it tastes good like a calendar should!

PS: Don't smoke, kids. I'm dead now. Don't smoke.

PPS: I'm not dead.

Also not dead: The X-Men's Kitty Pryde, because the very first time she tried smoking...


Panel from Uncanny X-Men #186 (August 1985), script by Chris Claremont, breakdowns by John Romita, Jr., finishes by Dan Green, colors by Glynis Oliver, letters by Tom Orzechowski
...and Ms. Pryde never smoked ever again.


Panels from Generation Next #2 (April 1995), script by Scott Lobdell, pencils by Chris Bachalo, inks by Mark Buckingham, colors by Steve Buccellato, letters by Richard Starkings
OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD KITTY

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 142: Spider-Man Bombs Pearl Harbor!

The strrrrrrrrretching timeline of the Marvel Universe means that pretty much all the events of the MU have taken place in the last, say, 12-15 years. My usual criteria for determining how many years they've been adventuring are the relative ages of Franklin Richards, who was "born" in 1968, and Kitty Pryde, who was 13½ in 1980 and turned 14 in space in Uncanny X-Men #165. And yet Franklin's still at least under 10, and Kitty's old enough (21) to bartend in Mekanix #1 (2002). Which only goes to prove: don't try to apply real-world aging logic to the Marvel Universe.

The real problem happens when stories try to tie events in the Marvel Universe to real-life events or persons. If Captain America got frozen in 1945, then the Avengers unfroze him in Avengers #4 in 1963. That means he's barely eighteen years a man out of time. But if we guesstimate that in today's Marvel Universe, Capsicle got thawed circa 2000 at the earliest — well, he missed a whole a lot more, including the presidency of Ronald Reagan, who, according to canon, got turned into a snake under his watch (Cap #344, 1988). That means that Ben Grimm and Reed Richards, who began their careers described as WWII veterans...ain't. Not anymore.

Which explains how, in 1973, you could actually believe that J. Jonah Jameson had been around the Daily Bugle since the war years, right?



Panels from Sgt. Fury #110 (May 1973), script by Gary Friedrich, pencils by Dick Ayers, inks by Vince Colletta, letters by Herb Cooper
There's some other small references elsewhere in the book, which also shows that Nick Fury knows Jameson:
So, it's canon, fanboys: J. Jonah Jameson is functionally immortal because he has taken the Infinity Formula.

Glad I could clear that up for you.

Let's Kill Hitler: In Which Chris Claremont Writes a Few Thousand Words about How Kitty Pryde Doesn't Kill Hitler

In X-Men: True Friends (an would-be Excalibur graphic novel series that got downgraded to an X-Men comic, Kitty Pryde goes back in time to 1936 with her "true friend" Rachel Summers (take that, Illyana Rasputin!) Also, she hangs around with the future Queen Elizabeth II! Marvel Team-Up!

Also: she vows to kill Hitler.


Panel from X-Men: True Friends #2 (October 1999), script by Chris Claremont, pencils by Rick Leonardi, inks by Al Williamson and Jimmy Palmiotti, colors by Shannon Blanchard, letters by Tom Orzechowski


Panels from X-Men: True Friends #3 (November 1999), script by Chris Claremont, pencils by Rick Leonardi, inks by Al Williamson, colors by Shannon Blanchard, letters by Tom Orzechowski
But, although Kitty talks a lot about killing Hitler, she never actually does.


I'm pretty sure if there's anyone in the Marvel Universe we'd like to be unsullied by killing Hitler, it's Kitty Pryde. And possibly Squirrel Girl.

Hit Me WIth Your Best Shot

Panels from [Uncanny] X-Men (1963 series) #132 (April 1980), co-plot and script by Chris Claremont, co-plot and pencils by John Byrne, inks by Terry Austin, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Tom Orzechowski



Panels from Astonishing X-Men (2004 series) #15 (August 2006), script by Joss Whedon, pencils and inks by John Cassaday, colors by Laura Martin, letters by Chris Eliopoulos



Panels from Uncanny X-Force (2013 series) #10 (February 2014), script by Sam Humphries, pencils by Phil Briones, inks by Dalibor Talajic, colors by David Curiel, letters by Cory Petit



Panels from Groot #4 (November 2015); script by Jeff Loveness; pencils, inks, and colors by Brian Kesinger, letters by Jeff Eckleberry

At 13th Dimension: The Crazy Costumes of Kitty Pryde

Do you know what week it is? Why, yes indeed, it's the week of May 18th. Also this week, over at 13th Dimension, it's X-Men Week, which means they must have another movie comin' out or something. What is this, X-Men XXII: The Search for Maggott? In any case, my best pal John has written about The Crazy Costumes of Kitty Pryde, and you know the drill, yadda yadda yadda, I can't figger out why he left out this amazing costume: Baby Kitty Pryde!


Panels from Excalibur (1988 series) #6 (March 1989), script by Chris Claremont, pencils by Alan Davis, inks by Paul Neary, colors by Francois Mouly, letters by Tom Orzechowski
Oh, wait, I think I can guess why he left it out.

Hey, Remember When That Happened?: 2013

Hey, remember that time in 2013 when civilization had fallen, New York City had been nearly razed, and mutants were either exterminated or incarcerated in concentration camps?


Panels from [Uncanny] X-Men (1963 series) #141 (January 1981), co-plot and script by Chris Claremont, co-plot and pencils by John Byrne, inks by Terry Austin, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Tom Orzechowski
You don't? Hmmm, me either. Well, year's not done yet. I imagine all the X-Men comic book will be canceled when that happens, though, so hang onto your collection for speculator purposes. Remember, according to some of the biggest mouths on the internet, everything increases in value when someone connected to it dies!




Panels from Uncanny X-Men (1963 series) #142 (February 1981), co-plot and script by Chris Claremont, co-plot and pencils by John Byrne, inks by Terry Austin, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Tom Orzechowski
And nobody ever saw the X-Men, ever again.

The Pauli exclusion principle doesn't work like that, Kitty Pryde

Hey, I call shenanigans on this scene from this week's A+X...

Panels from the Spider-Woman/Kitty Pryde/Lockheed story in A+X #8 (July 2013), script by Gerry Duggan, pencils by Salvador Larroca, colors by David Ocampo, letters by Clayton Coyles
...in which Kitty "Everybody forgot I do have a code name" Pryde fully phases a solid object into another solid object and leaves it there. But I don't think so, at least as we've seen her power work in the past. So, no, no, no, no, no. (No.) The Pauli exclusion principle tells us that "no two identical fermions (particles with half-integer spin) may occupy the same quantum state simultaneously." You and I can sum this up, more or less, as "two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time." Kitty (or, say, the Vision) can phase through objects, but if she solidifies partly, it causes immense stress on the objects. usually this is illustrated in comics with a boom of some sort. Boom!

Well, at least, maybe. I will attempt to win my No-Prize right here (you may send my empty No-Prize envelope to me over the internet, Mister Stan Lee): the meteor is described as being a completely unknown substance. "We don't even know where it fits on the periodic table yet." say Spider-Woman earlier in the story. So, maybe that's the explanation: this mysterious alien substance which may be able to be phased into solid matter without damage.

Or: we might argue that Kitty's control of her phasing power has advanced to the point where she can slide the atoms of this meteor between the concrete of the pillar (after all, that's fundamentally how she phases), and then re-solidify the meteor so that its atoms co-exist in such close proximity that it's actually now interweaved with the concrete pillar. But then in the next panel the Absorbing Man breaks the pillar and takes the meteor out, so that can't be the explanation.


Or maybe the reason for it all is that A+X is primarily a punch-'em team-up book that's low on intricate plot but high on action, and it really doesn't matter. Let's face it: we'll probably never see that meteor again as it's only important to get the plot rolling. In other words: it's the MacGuffin Meteor.

But y'know, all that violation of SCIENCE! and physics really doesn't matter in a comic book which also contains this sight:


Panel portion from the Hawkeye/Deadpool story in A+X #8 (July 2013), script by Christopher Hastings, pencils and inks by Reilly Brown, colors by Brent Armstrong, letters by Clayton Coyles

I for one am really glad President Obama has produced the necessary documents needed to prove he is not a zombie. We're waiting for the same from you, Mister Romney!

I'm also willing to let A+X off the hook because it contains this scene of Deadpool making a boxing glove arrow by using one of Hawkeye's arrows and a Hulk Hand. Brain: meet awesome.


On second thought, Your Honor, I would like to drop the charges of not following its own internal pseudoscience against A+X #8 science due to its plea-bargain of awesome Hulk Hand arrows. Case dismissed!

The Eight Nights of Comic Book Hanukkah, Night Eight: The Festival of Lights and Egg Rolls

from "Chinese Food for Christmas" in Marvel Holiday Special 2011 one-shot (DC, February 2012), script by Jamie S. Rich, pencils and inks by Paco Diaz, colors by Jean-Francois Beaulieu, letters by Jeff Eckleberry

See that girl, watch that girl, diggin' the Jubilee Queen

Okay, so yesterday I was telling you all about Queen Elizabeth II's appearances in the DC Universe, and how she usually wound up getting saved (as have us all) by Batman. Yes, I know yesterday I also covered some of her appearances in Marvel's Captain Britain comic, but hey: that's Marvel UK, so it doesn't count. There will now be a slight pause for me to be pelted with bricks by fine folks such as Dez Skinn, Steve Dillon, Brian Hitch, Dave Gibbons, Alan Davis, Alan "My Name Is Also Alan" Moore, and Neil Tennant out of Pet Shop Boys. So I think maybe I'd better stick to what I know: 1) comic books and 2) wearing elegant hats...



Speaking of Marvel now, some comic book history sites will tell you that this comic is the first appearance of Queen Elizabeth II in comic books:


Cover of Marvel Mystery Comics #47 (September 1943), pencils and inks by Alex Schomburg

But they are wrong with a capital WHIR. Well, at least partway: this is actually King George and his wife Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon...we know her a Britain's beloved late Queen Mother and the...well, Queen's mother. And she can go get her own comic book. She didn't even have the good grace to appear in a story with Namor or the Torch...instead, she's teamed up with Timely's Angel, who not even Stan Lee remembers anymore. Then again, the story did feature a villain named Count Lust, so Frederick Wertham was all over that thing.


Panel from "The Unwilling Corpse" in Marvel Mystery Comics #47 (September 1943), pencils and inks by Gustav Schrotter

No, to find what I think might be the first appearance of Queen Elizabeth II in a proper comic book(y-type of periodical), you have to stretch waaaaaay across the newsstand to grab that copy of MAD without your mom seeing. It's only 1956 so it's still costs one thin quarter (cheap!):


Cover of MAD #27 (April 1956), pencils and inks by Jack Davis

Can't find Her Majesty? Well, just find the sparkling bare bottom of baby New Year '56 and look to the immediate right:



MAD skewered every real life personality during its glorious heyday (i.e., when you were reading it at the age of ten), and our pal the Queen was no exception. Here's a beautifully illustrated comic strip by grandmaster Wally Wood which addresses a problem Prince Charles still probably has today:


from "Comic Strip Heroes (Taken From Real Life)" in MAD #48 (July 1959), script by Frank Jacobs, pencils and inks by Wally Wood

I'm assuming the resemblance in the second panel between Charles and a certain "What—Me worry?" mascot of said magazine was purely coincidental.

Here's another caricature of Elizabeth in the very next issue:


from "Family Magazines" in MAD #49 (September 1959), script by Arnie Kogen, pencils by George Woodbridge

But if you think MAD doesn't count as a comic book once it passed ish #23, then, as far as I can find, Queen Elizabeth II's first comic book appearance was one of the greatest comics of all time, and it's quite a doozy!


Panels from "Herbie and the Loch Ness Monster" in Herbie #3 (August 1964), script by Richard E. Hughes as Shane O'Shea, pencils and inks by Ogden Whitney, letters by Ed Hamilton

The Queen was a frequent and frequently amorous guest-star in Herbie...but then again, who didn't love Herbie? Communists, I tell you. Rotten dirty red commies.


Panel from "Clear the Road for Skinny!" in Herbie #18 (June-July 1966), script by Richard E. Hughes as Shane O'Shea, pencils and inks by Ogden Whitney, letters by Ed Hamilton

Which is not to say that QE2 was always portrayed the same within Earth-Herbie's internal canon:


Panel from "Almost a King!" in Herbie #22 (December 1966), script by Richard E. Hughes as Shane O'Shea, pencils and inks by Ogden Whitney, letters by Ed Hamilton

I'm not quite certain what's up with the Queen's diction there. Perhaps she was just trying to tell him he was only supposed to blow the bloody doors off. Whatever: we salute you, Herbie and American Comics Group, for giving us the world's most accurate and authentic portrayal of Queen Elizabeth II!

Oh yeah, I promised you some stuff about Marvel Comics, didn't I? Ehhhhhh, here's Deadpool.


Panels from Deadpool v.4 #43 (November 2011), script by Daniel Way, pencils by Carlo Barberi, inks by Walden Wong, colors by Jorge Gonzalez, letters by Joe Sabino

Deadpool is in London for some reason or another (c'mon, you don't read Deadpool for internal logic, do you?) and he's stolen and is driving a Peel P50, the world's smallest production car. You (or at least I and all right-thinking people) may recognize it as the car that Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson drove through the BBC Television Centre building:



I promised you the Queen and Deadpool and here they are...well, the Queen is slightly off camera and she's not talkin' crazy like Deadpool always is, but take my word for it.



Deadpool has taken the Queen hostage, and as usual he really doesn't have a plan worked out in advance:



But he's good at pulling out an idea from his sleeve, or wherever it is he keeps his plans:



As Deadpool is captured, the Queen runs for freedom...but wait: there's been a switcharoo! Ya gotta love those things.



Of course it turns out that's Deadpool dressed in the Queen's frock and the Imperial margarine crown, and he's left the Queen tied up in civilian clothing. Now, here I'm thinking that he missed the very slapstick opportunity to put Queen Elizabeth in the Deadpool suit and have her head-bashed by the security guards. And then we could have a short entry in the next edition of The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe for DEADPOOL II (Queen Elizabeth II)



Now you think an appearance where she's undressed and tied up by Deadpool would be Queen Elizabeth's weirdest Marvel Comics appearance. And you'd be wrong. Let me introduce you to X-Men: True Friends, aka "The One Where Kitty Vows to Kill All the Nazis."



Here's the pitch: Shadowcat and Phoenix (Rachel, not Jean) have been castaway in time, winding up in Scotland in 1936, where they team up with bone-clawed Logan to fight against Baron Strucker and the Shadow King. What, you couldn't fit the Red Skull in this one, Claremont?


Panels from X-Men: True Friends #1 (September 1999), script by Chris Claremont, pencils by Rick Leonardi, inks by Al Williamson and Sam de la Rosa, colors by Shannon Blanchard, letters by Tom Orzechowski

Any time you're in a pub quiz and you get asked about the great loves of Kitty Pryde's life, be sure to pinch yourself, because you're clearly dreaming. But if it really is happening, after you manage to answer "Peter Rasputin" and "Pete Wisdom," don't forget the other great lost love of Shadowcat's life, Alasdhair "Not Peter" Kinross. Oh, and of course Lisabet is the young Princess Elizabeth. Who else could it be? Gosh, isn't she relentless cute? Don't ya just wanna punch her in the face?



Check it out:the future Queen is swearing!



Why, that can't be right! The Queen would no more swear than would Betty Cooper!



Of course, meanwhile, enter...NAZIS!


Panes from X-Men: True Friends #2 (October 1999), script by Chris Claremont, pencils by Rick Leonardi, inks by Al Williamson and Jimmy Palmiotti, colors by Shannon Blanchard, letters by Tom Orzechowski

Well, of course, Wolverine etc. etc. etc. yadda yadda yadda too early for Captain America etc. etc. etc. big fight back to the future. And of course, then Kitty finds out just who "Lilabet" was:


Panes from X-Men: True Friends #3 (November 1999), script by Chris Claremont, pencils by Rick Leonardi, inks by Al Williamson, colors by Shannon Blanchard, letters by Tom Orzechowski

Of course, it wouldn't be Claremontean High Drama without dueling speech balloons on the penultimate page...



Duck, Liz! Those speech balloons are crowding up on you! They're gonna getcha! Oh yeah, and that symbolic final "The End" panel. Man, the X-Men was soapy in those days, weren't it?



So, in summary: Queen Elizabeth II in comic books! May you reign sixty more years, Your Majesty! (Sentiment not necessarily valid if your name is Charles.)