Separated at Birth: Ow, My Back.

L: Batman #497 (Late July 1993), art by Kelley Jones and Bob Le Rose
R: Detective Comics #740 (January 2000), art by John Cassaday
(Click picture to Bane-size)

Saturday Morning Cartoon: Wizard Needs Food Badly

"Wizard Needs Food Badly" by Five Iron Frenzy (2004)
Directed by Roque Ballesteros and produced at Ghostbot.com

Time, Time, Time, See What's Become of Me #4: All Together Now

One of my favorite bits of YouTubery (or if you must get technical, GoogleVideography) is the clever, "wish I'd thought of that" mash-up of Back to the Future and Back to the Future, Part II, which shows, in split-screen, the famous Fish Under the Sea Enchantment Under the Sea Dance scenes from both movies simultaneously on a split-screen, pitting McFly versus McFly for the stakes of the very time-space continuum...oh, why don't we just watch?:



Brilliant! I was very inspired by this. Why, I asked myself, don't I put the three comics I've just read into chronological order? Now, I don't have any special video editing equipment, but I do have three comic books, a pair of safety scissors, and a big ol' pot of glue, so sit back and enjoy "The Amazing Rama-Tut Adventure 3D" in glorious Mash-Up Vision! (No special glasses required, but feel free to put 'em on anyway...they look cool!)

The scene: 2940 BC. (Just after teatime). Journeying along the past lives of Morgana Blessing in search for her soul, Doctor Stephen Strange arrives in Ancient Egypt, where he is startled to find himself in a futuristic Sphinx.


Unknown to the Master of the Mystic Arts, this time period is also host to four members of The West Coast Avengers, trapped in the past during a long time-journey:


Strange is knocked out by protective laser weapons inside the Sphinx:


Strange's unconscious form is dragged through the Sphinx by robots, until they're spotted by the West Coast Avengers:


The WCAs attempt to rescue Dr. Strange, but in the confusion his body is taken away by other robots:


...and carted through the corridors of the Sphinx.


He's placed in a stasis coffin...


Just before the robots seal him within its force field, Strange regains consciousness and sends his astral form out to freedom...


Seconds after that, Doctor Strange's astral projection escapes into the Sphinx just as the West Coast Avengers arrive to try to save him...


...but they're unsuccessful and move off again. They spend more of the rest of these events running around the Sphinx in seeming circles, trying to find some way to time travel back to their era while battling robots and warriors of Rama-Tut. More or less meanwhile, while traveling back in time to 2940 BC in search of a radioactive herb to cure blindness, the Fantastic Four are captured by the despotic pharoah Rama-Tut. As Rama-Tut gloats over his captives, they are observed by the non-corporeal Doctor Strange, and via close-circuited television elsewhere in the Sphinx, the West Coast Avengers.




As the Fantastic Four is dragged off, Doctor Strange catches sight of a young slave girl, whom he detects is the possessor of Morgana's soul fragment:


He follows her to another chamber, where he spies on the preparations being made to Susan Storm for her unwilling wedding to Rama-Tut, while the slave girl waits in the background:



Seeking to free the Fantastic Four, Dr. Strange observes a slave ship on which the Thing now serves as a slave rower. Unseen by anyone, he transmutes the cosmic rays of the sun upon the captive Thing, forcing him to transform into human Ben Grimm:



Spearheaded by Ben, the FF break free, causing Rama-Tut to flee into the depths of his Sphinx...


...where he comes face to face with Doctor Strange and the slave girl:


To elude Strange, Rama-Tut activates the Sphinx's self-defense lasers, forcing Doctor Strange and the girl to flee, at the same moment the floor of the room begins to melt...


...revealing only seconds later that the Fantastic Four have burned through the floor in their own escape attempt.



The FF pursue Rama-Tut to his control room, where the pharoah has sealed himself inside a pod...


...an escape pod, to be precise. Rama-Tut blasts off, observed by Strange and the slave girl (from outside the Sphinx) and by the West Coast Avengers, watching the scene on another close-circuit television:




Before they escape, the FF discover the optic nerve restorative they came for:



Only a few moments behind them, the West Coast Avengers arrive in the control room, now escape-pod-less:


The FF flee the Sphinx, only just missing a controlled explosion that destroys all of Rama-Tut's futuristic technology. Dr. Strange and the slave girl observe the explosion from outside, but the West Coast Avengers are caught inside in the blast. Luckily, it only destroys the machinery and leaves them unharmed:




The slave girl professes her love for Dr. Strange, while in the background the Fantastic Four make their departure back to their present using Dr. Doom's time machine. Strange then magics himself back to his time:




Now, here's where there's a continuity mistake. Although we saw in Doctor Strange #53 that the FF depart 2940 before Dr. Strange, in West Coast Avengers #22 it's the other way around: Strange leaves and then the FF depart, the West Coast Avengers arriving just a few seconds too late to hitch a ride:



That single sequential error aside, though, it's like an intricate jigsaw puzzle that's fun to read and even more fun to put together. As Paul Harvey would say, "And now you know...the rest of the story." That's not the end of it, of course: the Fantastic Four, Doctor Strange, and the West Coast Avengers' stories continue in each of their respective magazines, but what about Rama-Tut's story? What happens next to him? Well, his time-twisted saga is spread out all across the history of the Marvel Universe. You can never be certain when you see him...or his later incarnations, Kang and Immortus...that you're reading the story in chronological order. That is, until Kurt Busiek, Continuity Cop, ties it all up in the sprawling and intricate Avengers Forever miniseries of 2000—issue #9, especially, which works to put many of the pieces of the Rama-Tut/Kang/Immortus puzzle in chronological order. And that includes this panel:


'Zat panel look familiar, time travelers?


Physicist Dr. Michio Kaku once wrote:

It would take a civilization far more advanced than ours, unbelievably advanced, to begin to manipulate negative energy to create gateways to the past. But if you could obtain large quantities of negative energy-and that's a big "if"-then you could create a time machine that apparently obeys Einstein's equation and perhaps the laws of quantum theory.

True. But what Dr. Kaku fails to mention, is how utterly kickass bitchin' it would be if the time machine looked like a giant Egyptian Sphinx:


Ride on, Rama-Tut. Ride on.

Time, Time, Time, See What's Become of Me #3: Time the Avenger

Hi hi hi, folks! Time-travel guide Bully here, hoping you haven't unpacked your bags from the last two chrono-trips I've taken you on over the past couple nights. Sorry about all the sand in your socks...that's what happens when you visit ancient Egypt, twice.

Don't put away your passports just yet, 'coz we're off again on another rollicking journey. Set your controls for the heart of the sun July 1987, and once again I'm gonna ask you to have your pocket change ready: a measly 75¢ is all you need to get this party started, because yet again we begin the trip by pickin' up a Marvel comic book. No, no, put down that copy of The Punisher #1 or Silver Surfer #1...you'll never get where you're going lookin' at those! Everybody get the right issue, then? Great! All of you, open up your fresh-off-the-rack copies of West Coast Avengers #22, and get ready for a visit to...Ancient Egypt! "Not again!" you moan, but it's too late...I've punched your ticket and we're off!

To be fair, that ain't the only time-space this comic takes you to. As the splash page boldly declares, "Time has split in six!", and I think we all know how painful that can be. Only some of the Avengers are in Egypt...2940 BC, to be precise, giving an exact year to the vague "Ancient Egypt" of FF #19 and Doctor Strange #53. The rest of the issue and the storyline concerns other timelost Avengers, but we're only interested for the moment in the quartet back in the land of the Pharaohs: Hawkeye, Tigra, Iron Man, and Wonder Man. They are...the West Coast Avengers!!

All panels in this post are from West Coast Avengers #22 (July 1987), written by Steve Englehart, art by Al Milgrom, Kim DeMulder, and Christie Scheele

Yes, that's right, years before today's double Avengers team (one a team of would-be-murderers, the other a team of clueless, post-active ineffectuals...but I kids the Avengers), there were two Avengers forces back in the late eighties and early nineties: the old stand-bys hanging out in Manhattan and these new Johnny Come-Latelys surfin' the waves under the hot California sun. Now that there's a superhero team in every freakin' state in the Union, it's kind of fun to see how non-New York hero teams got their start, isn't it?

The story begins in media res (as my Latin Phrase of the Day Calendar informs me): it's the sixth issue of a multi-part story and we're dumped into the action pretty quickly. There's no real recap to get you up to speed if you haven't read the first five parts, but really, what more do you need to know than The Avengers are in Egypt?:


I don't know old ankh stick there's name (so let's call him Old Ankh Stick), but he's apparently a priest of the ancient Egyptian god Khonshu (gesundheit), patron pagan lord of Moon Knight, the aptly-described not-appearing-in-this-timeline Avenger. OAS has led our Kooky Kwintet to the Sphinx of Rama-Tut, which is fast becoming the busiest intersection of the space-time nexus (but not so crowded that the WC Avengers can't quibble and be testy among themselves):


Even in a multi-part story, things have to happen fast, and the story's first Very Special Guest Star is only a panel away:


Hoary Hosts of Hoggath! And other "H" words. That's our good pal Doctor Stephen Strange, being carted away by big robots, unconscious after being stunned by laser beams in Doctor Strange #53 (as we saw yesterday). The Whackos...oh yes, they really did call themselves that, I'm ashamed to say...immediately rush to Doc's assistance:


...but Mans Iron and Wonder are both too busy bickering like the Lockhorns to notice in the scuffle that all-new, all-different robots are escaping with Strange's comatose form, probably giggling all the while:


Reallllll sharp, guys. But a ha! Remember those missing moments from Doctor Strange #53? He fell into unconsciousness, we cut away to a Clea and Sara discussion about the perils of falling in love with a guy with a pencil mustache and a big red bathrobe, and when we saw the Doc again, he was being carried by a quartet of gold robots. Now at last we know what happened during Strange's missing moments: Iron Man and Wonder Man bitched at each other. Seriously, you two, why don't you just kiss and get it over with?

Gotta give the Whackos credit though—they're either heroically persistent or as dumb as a bag of hammers, because they just keep on chasing Doc's body, arriving just a moment too late to save him from being slapped in his force field prison:


After Wonder Man's two-second attempt to break Doc free fails, Hawkeye immediately gives up on the plan and calls a general retreat. (Don't worry, folks, we all know Strange will be okay!) That's plenty of time for the WCAs to sit around and watch TV:


Hey, it's the exact same scene from FF #19 and Doc #53 yet again, only this time in high-def! Hawkeye's quicksilver mind (not to be confused with Quicksilver's hawk eye) puts two and two together: FF + ancient Egypt = time machine = a way to escape back to the future! So they run off again...seriously, most of this issue is Hawkeye and company running around and retracing their steps, just missing a chance to interact with the other two sets of time travelers, as the story logic dictates. If we didn't see Hawkeye in Fantastic Four #19, neither did the FF! Unfortunately this strains a bit of belief: the more heroes wind up in Egypt, the more likely it is that one of the "earlier" visitors will spot one of the "later," but the story dictates that they have to keep just missing each other. It's sort of the 2940 BC equivalent of Three's Company. Except with Hawkeye playing the Jack Tripper part. I guess that makes Iron Man and Wonder Man Mr. and Mrs. Roper, then.


We get a few pages of the 1917 adventure of Avenger Firebird's Bible-packin' grandma (just what the kids wanna read about!) and then it's back to all-out Egyptian action as the Whackos confront a posse of Rama-Tut's guards, giving Hawkeye a chance to keep working on his own west coast version of the time-honored east coast slogan "Avengers Assemble." Um, your battle cry ain't quite coming together there, Clint:


Most of the rest of the issue focuses on the West Coast Avengers literally running around in circles. First they head back to the tunnel...


...and then back the way they came...


...just in time to watch, again on TV, Rama-Tut's escape pod blasting off from the Sphinx. The FF and Doctor Strange got to see this amazing sight in person, but for the Whackos TV is good enough, huh? It's almost like being there, wouldn't ya say?:


The West Coast Avengers: the guys who watch stuff happen on television.

Meanwhile, just like in FF #19, the FF have discovered the vial of radioactive eye balm the whole ferschluggin' adventure started off with (hey, I bet you'd forgotten about that, didn't you?):


Seconds after the FF escape, the WCA are still running around chasing their tails, and they arrive back in the control room again. Excellent timing, guys, you're just in time for the place to blow up like it did in FF and Doc. As Marshall Rogers would say, "boom!"


Everybody's okay, though. (Whew!) Apparently it was an oddly specific bomb that only completely destroyed every piece of futuristic machinery yet leaves Avengers standing. Time's a-wastin' for them to hitch a ride out of 2940 BC. Well, Doc Strange is outside, as we know from having read Doc #53. If they can catch up to him before he leaves...


Whoopsie-daisies. Oh well, there's always the FF to hitch a ride home with...


Whoa, maybe if Reed and Ben hadn't been chattering so much that their word balloons covered up the sky in the original Kirby panel, they mighta have spotted the Avengers flying up above them.

The Whacky Avengers are zero for three on catching a ride home. Them's the breaks, kids! Is it time to give up now, Hawkeye?


And with that, the story finishes.

Well, to be honest, it concludes in part seven in ish #23—which I don't have. So just as I'll never know how Hawkeye, the Bickersons, and Ms. Garfield arrived in Rama-Tut-a-Rama-World, I'll also never know how they got out. Who knows...maybe they are there still...

To put it kindly, this isn't a great comic. I was especially struck by the progressive expansion of the stories from the initial through the third segment in this saga: the first (FF #19), is, as were so many early Marvel Comics, a fast and furious done-in-one: everything you need to know about the story is between two glossy paper covers. Nineteen years later, Doctor Strange #53's second segment is part of a much larger story, but the Egyptian adventure is complete within its pages and is neatly and cleanly summed up at the beginning in case you missed the previous Doc-installments. WCA #22 is part six of a seven part story that drops us into the action with little or no recap, and doesn't finish the adventure in the issue. If that isn't symptomatic of the gradual decompression of Marvel Comics, I don't know what is.

WCA #22 is no work of art. Al Milgrom's a great draftsman and his panels are energetic and clear, but he lacks the innovation and power of Kirby and Rogers, those who went before him. Englehart's story suffers from that worst crime of all: the heroes spend the entire story reacting instead of acting. I know it's not fair to judge the entire storyline on one issue, but when I picked this one up at the comic book shop it was only because it continued the story started in FF and Doctor Strange. There was really nothing in here that compelled me to buy the next issue; I really didn't enjoy WCA until John Byrne came on board and started tearing the team apart (in the Vision's case, absolutely literally.

Despite all that, I'm hereby declaring West Coast Avengers one of the most fun comics ever for its sheer chutzpah and enthusiastic glee in adding a new layer to the already-richly frosted cake of the previous two stories. Englehart's was a somewhat thankless task: Roger Stern filled in most of the "gaps" in Doctor Strange #53, so there wasn't much for Englehart's heroes to do except run around and just miss running into everybody else.

I'm told this storyline continued in the Rise of Apocalypse comic book...but I don't got it, so our time travels end here. Brian Hughes, who trailblazed a discussion of this story first in his great blog Again With the Comics, said in an email to me

If anyone mentions "Rise of Apocalypse", do yourself a favor and run! It's mucho awful.

I will take that very very good advice with great thanks, Brian.

But...you know...the beauty of a story like this is that it never ends. A month, a year, ten years from now, some clever Marvel Comics scripter can continue the Rama-Tut Egyptian Adventure by tossing yet another hero or team back in time to walk carefully and unseen in the footsteps of the West Coast Avengers. It is, after all, the busiest intersection of the space-time continuum; what's to prevent more heroes from taking that journey? Who would you like to see added to this story? Me, I'd be tickled to have Deadpool or the Runaways travel back to 2940 BC. Or...and oh my oh my, just the mere thought of this makes shivers go up my spine...why not Nextwave? It could happen! And knowing the way that the more things change, the more they stay the same, I bet some day in some way this story will continue. Frankly, I can't wait.

But I hope you can wait until tomorrow for the final installment of "Time, Time, Time, See What's Become of Me!" No, I don't have more stories to examine...but just give me time to get out my scissors, scrapbook, and glue, and get ready for "Rama-Tut: The Complete Experience!". Be there or be square pyramidical, effendis!