So, Marvel's
Thor: The Dark World comes out on DVD next week, and by watching it three or four hundred times in the theater, I've realized two things:
1. Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.* really needs to hire Darcy Lewis, and
fast. And
2. Asgard sure has a lot of
laser beam weapons, don't they?
Check it out: it's a veritable stellar assortment of stuff Odin picked up at George Lucas's garage sale, isn't it? There's a whole
array of big-ass laser cannon guns
manned godded by Asgardian warriors to shoot at the invading Dark Elf troops in their flying Elfmobiles!
These laser cannons allow Asgard to put down a stream of suppressing fire that makes approaching the All-Father's Palace of Norse Stuff feel like running the Death Star Trench attack, but with
Norse Stuff.
Why, the Asgardians even have Star Wars-prequel-a-like flying spaceships that hum like Ben Burtt's electric razor...
...armed with rotating-magazine machine-gun death beams
straight not out of the Prose Edda.
To paraphrase one of Loki's prison pen-pals:
where do they get those wonderful toys? I guess upon reflection, you could chalk it up to one of the fundamental differences in the Asgard of
Earth-199999 (the Marvel Cinematic Universe) and the Asgard of Earth-616 (the familiar Stan Lee Presents-o-verse): in the movies, Asgard is presented as being an advanced alien civilization. An alien civilization with big horned helmets, mind you, but
aliens.
After all, we
all know that the Asgardians of the Marvel Regular, No Cream, Two Sugars Universe are generally armed with swords, maces, spears, axes, and the occasional Sears Craftsman uru hammer. From
Thor #157:
Page from Thor (1966 series) #157 (October 1968), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Vince Colletta, letters by Sam Rosen
Ah, yes, But occasionally Jack Kirby
does let you see slightly...shall we say...more
cosmic weaponry of Asgard. Remember the powerful blasts of the
Asgardian Frost Gun, which doth shooteth tiny Emma Frosts at the enemies of Odin? Well, only a couple pages after seeing that above image of the traditionally-armed forces of Balder and The World's Most Dangerous Band, the situation in at least this one of the Nine Worlds is so bad that they need to roll out...no, not the barrel, you put that thing back, Volstagg...they need to roll out the
mightiest weapon in all of Asgard! Forsooth, e'en mightier than the Fabled Wind of Odin on the Evenings of Roast Boar and Boiled Cabbage with Beans!
Behold: a weapon ripped straight from the legends of Ninth Century Vikings...
The Cosmic Bolt!
And...it doesn't work.
So, putting together the Frost Gun and the Cosmic Bolt, as far as the Weapons of Asgard go, that's
0 for 2. Geez,
Wile E. Coyote had a better rate of gadget success, guys. Say,
Darcy Lewis, how would
you react in that crisis?
*Suddenly Here It's Everybody Loves Darcy
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