365 Days of KirbyTech, Day 48: The Asgardian Cosmic Bolt

So, Marvel's Thor: The Dark World comes out on DVD next week, and by watching it three or four hundred times in the theater, I've realized two things:


1. Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.* really needs to hire Darcy Lewis, and fast. And


2. Asgard sure has a lot of laser beam weapons, don't they?

Check it out: it's a veritable stellar assortment of stuff Odin picked up at George Lucas's garage sale, isn't it? There's a whole array of big-ass laser cannon guns manned godded by Asgardian warriors to shoot at the invading Dark Elf troops in their flying Elfmobiles!


These laser cannons allow Asgard to put down a stream of suppressing fire that makes approaching the All-Father's Palace of Norse Stuff feel like running the Death Star Trench attack, but with Norse Stuff.


Why, the Asgardians even have Star Wars-prequel-a-like flying spaceships that hum like Ben Burtt's electric razor...


...armed with rotating-magazine machine-gun death beams straight not out of the Prose Edda.


To paraphrase one of Loki's prison pen-pals: where do they get those wonderful toys? I guess upon reflection, you could chalk it up to one of the fundamental differences in the Asgard of Earth-199999 (the Marvel Cinematic Universe) and the Asgard of Earth-616 (the familiar Stan Lee Presents-o-verse): in the movies, Asgard is presented as being an advanced alien civilization. An alien civilization with big horned helmets, mind you, but aliens.

After all, we all know that the Asgardians of the Marvel Regular, No Cream, Two Sugars Universe are generally armed with swords, maces, spears, axes, and the occasional Sears Craftsman uru hammer. From Thor #157:


Page from Thor (1966 series) #157 (October 1968), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Vince Colletta, letters by Sam Rosen
Ah, yes, But occasionally Jack Kirby does let you see slightly...shall we say...more cosmic weaponry of Asgard. Remember the powerful blasts of the Asgardian Frost Gun, which doth shooteth tiny Emma Frosts at the enemies of Odin? Well, only a couple pages after seeing that above image of the traditionally-armed forces of Balder and The World's Most Dangerous Band, the situation in at least this one of the Nine Worlds is so bad that they need to roll out...no, not the barrel, you put that thing back, Volstagg...they need to roll out the mightiest weapon in all of Asgard! Forsooth, e'en mightier than the Fabled Wind of Odin on the Evenings of Roast Boar and Boiled Cabbage with Beans!


Behold: a weapon ripped straight from the legends of Ninth Century Vikings...The Cosmic Bolt!


And...it doesn't work.


So, putting together the Frost Gun and the Cosmic Bolt, as far as the Weapons of Asgard go, that's 0 for 2. Geez, Wile E. Coyote had a better rate of gadget success, guys. Say, Darcy Lewis, how would you react in that crisis?




*Suddenly Here It's Everybody Loves Darcy

365 Days of KirbyTech, Day 8: The Asgardian Frost Gun

I've always been puzzled, and yet also impressed, by the amazing futuristic tech of Asgard, home of the Norse gods. On the one hand they're sitting around big fireplaces roasting boar (note: I may actually be thinking of Asterix and Obelix) and they ride around on horses and in big-wooden-wheeled wagons rather than zipping around in Nick Fury-style flying cars off, better yet, Asgardian jetpacks.

And yet, Asgardian weaponry is so cool, futuristic, and kick-ass that we've only got to assume Odin picked it up at Galactus's garage sale. Witness, for example, the Asgardian Frost Gun!

Panel from Thor #177 (June 1970), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Vince Colletta, letters by Artie Simek
(Click picture to zoom in on the big-ass icemaker gun)

Wow, that thing even looks like it was sized for Galactus's big purple-gauntleted paw, doesn't it? Thor and company has pulled this thing out of Odin's gun locker to battle against gigantic fire demon Surtur, whose arrival signals Ragnarok, as does every other event in Asgard, including the time Thor played his CD of "Carmina Burana" at volume level 11 and when Volstagg's pizza arrived later than thirty minutes after he ordered it.


Needless to say, it doesn't work and everybody is burnt to a crisp and dies except Thor who was apparently hiding behind a rock.


The Asgardian Frost Gun! Maybe they should have charged it overnight first.