366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 366: We still all want pictures of Spider-Man

My first encounter with J. Jonah Jameson, before I was even reading comic books, was in The Amazing Spider-Man comic strip, and then later in the same year as played by Robert F. Simon in The Amazing Spider-Man TV series. When I dove horns first into the world of comics around '79, my Marvel book of collection choice was Star Wars (#21, prominently cover-featuring Darth Vader, was the first Marvel comic I ever bought), but not too long after that expanded into The Avengers and the (as-yet Uncanny) X-Men. (Smack dab in the middle of the Shooter Age was a good time to pick up X-Men: my first ish was #137 and I was barely confused at all.) But as my interest in the Marvel Universe expanded, I began picking up Peter Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Man (my first issue was #50) and Amazing Spider-Man (a coverless copy of #200 from the long-gone Economy Book Store in Syracuse, New York). So I met the comics version of J. Jonah Jameson. And from every exposure I'd had to him...I thought he was a jerk. (Hence the classic '80s issue where Kitty Pryde declared "J. Jonah Jameson is a jerk!")

Then, as Frank Miller started to make his mark writing and pencilling Daredevil, I added the Man Without Fear to my pull list, and in issue #177, I came across the scene where J. Jonah Jameson actually acted like a thoughtful, responsible journalist with more nuance than just shouting maniacally about Spider-Man, and I started to like JJJ as a character. When I posted that scene back in May of this year, I accompanied with the Gore Vidal quote "Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half."

It's been a difficult year, personally and socially, for this little stuffed bull and his closest friends, and you've probably noticed lengthy stretches when I don't post, but I've always tried to catch up later so you have these posts every day at the very least. This year I lost some people very close to me, and lost many who were great personal heroes of mine. But one of the great things about superhero comics, and one that I love best about them, is that they go on. Fifty-four years later, when he should be putting up his webbed feet and sitting back to relax, Peter Parker is still swingin', the high school student now become a global industrialist (altho' I'd be surprised if that doesn't continue to change). Jonah has also changed professions and positions within the Marvel Universe (remember Hizzoner Jameson?), but he's still serving the same general purpose: to bedevil Peter, to shout at Spider-Man, and to pursue the truth. (I also especially like his role as a encouraging mentor to Cindy Moon in Silk.)

By the end of the year, when we would despair of the media reporting "fake news" or "Twitteralism," I'd post now and then a Jonah panel accompanied by the message of "See, media? That's how you do it." And in the end, that's become why I love Jonah and why he's more vital than ever. We don't live in a world of evil scientists with mechanical arms or intelligent killer lizards or thugs made outta sand; our nemeses can be both very subtle and very overt, but they still need battling. We don't live in a world of Spider-Men, more's the pity, so I look up to journalists and writers who do their homework and speak truth to power. In 2016 there was even one writer — Ta-Nehisi Coates — doing both that and creating comic books. We need more creators like him. We need more comics by and about people of color and LGBT persons; we need much more than superhero comics, but they still serve a place.

As does J. Jonah Jameson. I'm hoping in 2017 he continues to be a major Spider-character, and that he continues to be an antagonist, if not a nemesis. We need somebody to rant and rave at those guys in spandex and leather, to kick our asses into gear, to remind us that the four-color world can teach us about the world outside our window. After all, Spider-Man endures — may JJJ do as well. Any place Spidey is back in action, we need someone yelling for photos of him.

Thanks, Jonah, for helping us laugh at Spider-Man...again.


Panels from Amazing Spider-Man 1963 series (July 1967) #50 (July 1967), script by Stan Lee; pencils by John Romita, Sr.; inks by Mike Esposito; letters by Sam Rosen
Tomorrow!: Well, it's a new year, isn't it? Keep your pulley tuned to Bully and keep looking to the stars! (Is that a hint? It just might...be! Or not!)

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 365: Spider-Man is not a work of art, but he's hanging on a wall

Hey Jonah, how would you sum up this year's "366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson"?


Panel from Fear Itself: Spider-Man #1 (July 2011), script by Chris Yost, pencils and inks by Mike McKone, colors by Jeromy Cox, letters by Joe Caramagna
BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA! It's funny because it's true!

But actually, only one issue later in Fear Itself (the crossover event no one really ever wanted, right?), there's a scene that I really love, one of my favorites, one that so sharply shows how the prickly relationship between JJJ and Spidey has evolved, and the grudging respect that the newspaperman really does have deep down (waaaaaay deep deep down) for what Spider-Man is and can do. Because when the going gets tough, Jonah lights a fire under Spidey's finely toned butt.


Panels from Fear Itself: Spider-Man #2 (August 2011), script by Chris Yost, pencils and inks by Mike McKone, colors by Jeromy Cox, letters by Joe Caramagna
If you think about a lot, even though he's lost a lot of father figures (his dad, Ben Parker, George Stacy), her'll always have one in J. Jonah Jameson. A grumpy, yelly, manipulative father figures who doles out an allowance in drips and drizzles, yeah, but some of Spider-Man's most valuable lessons about life have been learned from his most irascible supporting character. Here's to you, Jonah, and forever may you kick butt into gear.

Tomorrow: The End.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 364: 101 Uses for a Spider-Man Poster

Panels from Amazing Spider-Man (1963 series) #41 (October 1966); script by Stan Lee; pencils and ink alterations by John Romita, Sr.; inks by Mike Esposito; letters by Artie Simek

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 363: It'll behoove ya to care for Jonah's uvula

Splash page from Marvel Team-Up (1997 series) #2 (October 1997), script by Tom Peyer, breakdowns by Pat Olliffe, finishes by Al Milgrom, colors by Tom Smith, letters by Bill Oakley
Well, that's not the last time, but December 31 is coming soon, so as those band of happy moptops once sang, it's getting very near the end.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 362: The Fuppets Take Manhattan

It's those lazy crazy hazy days between Christmas and New Year's when we don't have to go back to school yet but we've already broken all our holiday toys* (not me, I'm really careful with 'em, altho I've eaten all my stocking candy), and if you're anything like me, you're bored and want a project to occupy your hooves. Well, I've dug my way into Bully's Comics Vault and come up with an issue of Crazy, the House of Idea's second-tier parody magazine for when you couldn't find MAD at the newsstand. Mind you, even if Crazy isn't as acclaimed as its Distinguished Competition, they did have a decent bullpen of writers and artists. This ish contains stuff written or drawn by Marv Wolfman, Bobby London, Mike Ploog, Bob Foster, Marie Severin, John Buscema, and even Jack Kirby's Fin Fang Foom reprinted with new humorous dialogue by Christopher Priest aka Jim Owsley!

Crazy also occasionally featured do-it-yourself shoebox puppet theaters and finger puppets called Fuppets, for clever portmanteau purposes as well as please-don't-sue-us copyright reasons. And it co-stars J. Jonah Jameson, who I know you've been dying to put your fingers up inside of! Dig out your own copy of Crazy #73 (I know you've got one somewhere), get out your paste and scissors (or have an adult get out paste and scissors for you) so you can make the whole shebang! (I'm only reposting a few pages from it, but you get the general DIY idea.)


Panels from "The Fabulous Fuppets Starring in the Spider-Man Television Theatre" in Crazy Magazine #73 (April 1981), script by Steve Skeates, puppet art by John Romita, Sr., props and scenery art by Ron Zalme
The feature provides it all: finger puppets Fuppets™...


...props...yes, that is an iron lung to put Aunt May into!


...several switchable backdrops for real shoebox action!...


...scripts, with dialogue punched up by David Mamet...


But best of all, here's the two-page how-to-do-it comic segment that gives us the groundbreaking Marvel Team-Up of J. Jonah Jameson and the Incredible Hulk! JONAH WILL SMASH!



So don't just sit there and read comic books on your Christmas vacation: take JJJ's advice and go out and make stuff! Alternate Christmas vacation activity: just sit there and read comic books.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 361: The Day Jonah Was Killed by a Giant Snowball

Panels from "Piece of Cake" in Marvel Holiday Special 2007 one-shot (February 2008), script by Andrew Farago and Shaenon Garrity, pencils by Lou Kang, inks by Craig Yeung, colors by Chris Sotomayor, letters by Dave Sharpe

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 360: There's No Place Like Jonah's for the Holidays

Previously on Spider-Man's Tangled Web: On Christmas Eve, Peter Parker (secretly the Amazing Spid...oh, you know that part)...has rescued a passel of Japanese schoolkids, but then, having to rush out into the night, as he does (whatever a spider can), he leaves the kids behind with Betty Brant in the Daily Bugle office. Meanwhile, a big-ass Christmas snowstorm is a-blowin' into New York City. S'alright? S'alright. And now...


Panels from Spider-Man's Tangled Web #21 (February 2003), script and inks by Darwyn Cooke, pencils by Jay Bone, colors by Matt Hollingsworth, letters by Paul Tutrone
Jonah + Kids = trouble, right here in New York City, which begins with "N" and that rhymes with "bullpen" and that stands for...well, it rhymes with "newspapermen," but I'm not certain how to finish the song from there. Needless to say, there's both trouble and cuteness ahoy! Crouble? No, tuteness.


The Bumper Book of Humor Writing that I got today under the Christmas tree (thanks Santa!) tells me that one of the first rules of laughs is opposites are funny! So, pair a rusty, grizzly, grumpy old Jonah with cute adorable tiny tots and what do you get? That's comedy, my friends! Also: Pissed-Off Betty Brant™, which is one of the all-time greatest action figure variants.


Jonah tells the kids a story. Guess who's the hero in this one?! It's our old pal and star of many Marvel Comic books, the Amazing Spider-Slayer!. Except I imagine even JJJ censored the name of that particular character in his tale. I'm guessing we're looking at the Adventures of J. Jonah Jameson, The Sensational Spider-Hugger!


Meanwhile, Spider-Man and the Inhuman named Medusa (the hero who could never be an important part of a sensible Marvel Universe) are battling it out in the Toy Department at Macy's, no doubt wrecking Santaland and frightening Crumpet the Elf into a much more sedate essay-writing career. JJJ gets the kids into their cute li'l coats 'n' mittens to take 'em to Macy's to watch Spidey getting his butt beat (by a girl with sentient hair, at that!). It's events like that which drove the crowds to Macy's and ran Gimbel's out of business. You're a business menace, Peter Parker!


Tonight's very pecial Christmas Eve Guest Stars, singing "All I Want For Christmas Is Groo...t": the Fantastic Four Three! Well, it's entirely possible Sue Storm is already there but invisible, though I doubt that: J. Bone and Darwyn Cooke would not pass up a chance to draw the curviest of the FF! (If you don't count H.E.R.B.I.E.)


Turns out Macy's Santa is really the Puppet Master and making Medusa and Spidey yadda yadda yadda, and it's a Christmas Fulla Crying Tots, just like the ones we used to know!


Then, in an action-packed summary-stuffed double-page spread, they all head over to Jonah and Marla's apartment for a Christmas party, and Jonah gives Peter the very finest Christmas bonus of all the ones we've seen so far: he's bused in Aunt May and Mary Jane all the way from Queens. It wasn't an express bus and they had to wait for twenty minutes to catch a transfer in Roosevelt Island, but they're here.

(Click picture to Christmas dinner second-helping-size)
And a very happy holiday was had by all at the Christmas party by everyone except Betty Brant, who was rescued by...let's say...Willie Lumpkin.


Happy holidays to all! (And we miss you, Darwyn!)

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 359: Come in, and know me better, spider-man

We started this festive holiday season by pointing out that J. Jonah Jameson was not unlike that famous curmudgeon of literature, stage, screen, and streaming-and-rebuffering-video, Ebenezer Scrooge. Which makes ya think, doesn't it? Why didn't, ya may be thinking, did Marvel never do a parody of that famous Christmas tale but starring J. Jonah Jameson?. Ya may well think that.

Ya'd be not far off reality, True Believer!


Splash page from "Jonah's Holiday Carol" in Marvel Holiday Special 2004 one-shot (January 2005), script by Tom DeFalco, pencils and inks by Takeshi Miyazawa, colors by Christina Strain, letters by Clem Robins
Of course, as Mister Magoo and Bill Murray would tell you, if you're going to be a Scrooge on Christmas Eve, you know what will happen, faster than you can say "Blackadder's Christmas Carol"...


First up, as Ghost of Christmas Past: Captain America! Technically if you're talking Marvel Comics History, that should be the Sub-Mariner, but Namor would just show him Tunas of Christmas Past, and I think we've all seen that old cliché plenty of times before.


CHECK IT OUT KID JONAH IS A FANBOY! Bwah-ha-ha-ha hey I wonder if he saved those in Mylar bags?


Next up! Funnyman Benjy Grimm, wearin' his unstable molecule snow pants. He's here to show Jonah that IT'S CHRISTMASIN' TIME! Also: that an A-Bomb may have awakened giant radioactive monsters. At last, the definite origin of Fin Fang Foom!


Even though this year Hanukkah falls on Christmas Eve, Ben has taken time out of his busy latke and brisket dinner to usher Jonah around The Present of whatever Christmas of 2005, whatever year it happens to be in the Marvel Universe, included showing him a world where Peter Parker is off swingin' around town. Also: he apparently is married to Mary Jane, so I can't even picture what universe that could possibly be.


Then it's off to your friendly neighborhood dive bar where nobody knows your name, even if you're former astronaut John Jameson (son of Jonah), fallen on hard times. Whoa, Christmas just got real. Real depressing.


Personally I woulda picked Spider-Man 2099 to be the Ghost of Christmas Future, but we just get the regular-flavored one. And how come there wasn't a spot for Ghost Rider in this Christmas story? On the other hand, I'd certainly be spooked outta my little stuffed wits if Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield dropped in as Christmas Yet to Come. Especially Garfield, as he's gonna be pretty cranky that tomorrow is Monday.


Silent Night, Peter died, that means no, mor-re Spide

r-Man


Then the Bugle goes outta business! Wow, this kinda looks like when the Impossible Man showed up at Marvel Comics HQ looking for Stan in X-Men Annual #7. Hey Jonah, the Bugle blew...out of town.


Hooray! The Spirits have done it all in one night half an hour, so there's still plenty of time for Jonah to crash the Christmas party. However, in the biggest disaster since Civil War II, all the pigs-in-a-blanket had already been eaten. And, to wrap up our round-up of holiday bonuses given from JJJ to Peter, we're back to him getting ten bucks for Christmas! Merry Christmas, Parker! Buy yourself a clue and form your own groundbreaking elctronics company! Later, in a Christmas miracle, he did.


Jonah was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Petey, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him.


Until he got the caterer's bill. Haw!


He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Jonah observed,

GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN, EVERYONE!

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 358: Marvel Comics finally put their Christmas decorations up on these panels

Panels from Sensational Spider-Man (1996 series) #24 (February 1998), script by Todd Dezago, pencils by Todd Nauck, inks by Andrew Hennessey, colors of Gregory Wright, letters by Kiff Scholl

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 357: It Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Man Ho's

'Member yesterday when I warned you there wouldn't be any more panels about J. Jonah giving out cheapskate Christmas bonuses? I sorta lied.


Panels from Spider-Man: Christmas In Dallas one-shot (1983), script by Jim Salicrup, pencils by Alan Kupperberg, inks by Mike Esposito, colors by Marie Severin, letters by Rick Parker
But actually the great surprise is that Jonah's flying Peter out to Dallas


No, no, not that one. Although I would certainly buy Spider-Man/J. R. Ewing Team-Up #1 in a second.

But why Dallas, for a story that could take place so easily in...I dunno...Manhattan? The real reason may astound you: this one-shot comic book was published in conjunction with the Pulitzer Prize-winning Dallas Times Herald, a daily Texan newspaper that was founded on the credo of TEXAS TWISTER: THREAT OR MENACE?


Santa Claus: he's a wide as he in tall! And he's got a mean-on for everybody in Whoville Dallas! Also, his wife is named Vanessa. That's just a little Mrs. Claus fact from all of us here at Comics Oughta Be Fun!


The Dallas Times Herald distributed several specially made Marvel comics about superheroes in The Big D, including Spider-Man, Firestar and Iceman at The Dallas Ballet Nutcracker, an seventeen page comic which devotes nine of its pages to retelling the Nutcracker story! To kids wishing for a Spider-Man comic, this is almost as big a bait-and-switch as Superman Salutes the Bicentennial!


Panel from Spider-Man, Fire-Star [sic] and Iceman at the Dallas Ballet Nutcracker one-shot (1983), script by Jim Salicrup, pencils by Jim Mooney, inks by John Tartaglione, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Gaspar Saladino
Also in this series: Spidey Does Dallas* Spider-Man and the Dallas Cowboys, which only includes one panel of the world-famous Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! I call foul on that, Marvel Comics In Association with the Dallas Times Herald!


Panel from Spider-Man and the Dallas Cowboys one-shot (1983), script by Marie Severin and David Anthony Kraft, pencils by Marie Severin and Kerry Gammill, inks by Mike Esposito, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by R. G. O'Shaw
Luckily, there was a whole comic about Spider-Man and the Hulk teaming up with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. THANK YOU MARVEL AND THE DALLAS TIMES HERALD!



Panels from Spider-Man and the Incredible Hulk one-shot (1982), creators unknown, altho' that's Jim Novak lettering, isn't it?
So the success of these many Spider-Man comics ensured that the Dallas Times Herald would continue to be a strong, vital part of Texas journalism! Until 1991, when it closed down. Well...that'll happen.

*I don't know what this joke means.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 356: Christmas Tie Is Here

So far we've seen J. Jonah Jameson hand out Christmas bonuses of five bucks, ten bucks, cigar scented cards, cigars, and a thousand bucks in Confederate money. In this, the final (well, the last one I could find) set of panels commemorating JJJ giving a Christmas bonus, what do you think it will be? Could it be something as boring and mundane as...a necktie?


Panels from The Spectacular Spider-Man #173 (February 1991), plot by Gerry Conway, script by David Michelinie, pencils and inks by Sal Buscema, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Rick Parker
Yes. Yes it is a necktie. And Pete gave the same one to Jonah, so i think we can sum this one up under the category of you reap what you sow, Spider-Man! Bwah-ha-ha-ha! I woulda paid folding money to see Peter wear that over his costume for the rest of the issue.




By the way, the placement of those last three panels really bugs me — they don't visually read in sequence. Sal Buscema is usually much better at panel placement, so I'll just assume he was miffed at Tom DeFalco giving him a cee-gar for Christmas. In the olden days they woulda put an arrow to guide you from panel to panel. Here, I rearranged it for ya!


Tomorrow! Yes, tomorrow...just because I haven't anymore JJJ Christmas Bonus sequences at hand doesn't mean A Holly Jonah Christmas ends! Tomorrow: the most surprising and yet unsuitable Santa of them all, and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! Also tomorrow: Pittsburgh blows up! Don't miss it!