Bully Says: Comics Oughta Be Fun!

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Today in Comics History, December 24: Drinky Crow's more politically correct cousin celebrates the season

It's no use, Black Crow, that's never going to make it snow ion Christmas Eve...wait, what do you know?!? It's a Christmas MIRACLE!

from Captain America (1968 series) #292 (Marvel, April 1984), script by J. M. DeMatteis, pencils by Paul Neary, inks by Ed Barreto, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Diana Albers

A Christmas song by Marshall, the Tiny Stuffed Cow

It's canon that Marshall has a lisp, but she doesn't appear too much in my blog, so I'll excuse you for not knowing that.

I spent all my money on Christmas presents for all my pals!

We love you all and hope you have a wonderful holiday and 2017!

Today in Christmas Comics History, December 24: USS Palomino is hit by a mysterious ink wave

'...you mean you DIDN'T buy me a Christmas gift?'

'Commander! The Colletta alarm has just gone off!'

Top: original pencils to panels from The Black Hole newspaper strip (September 2, 1979), pencils by Jack Kirby;
Bottom: inks and art corrections by Mike Royer, redrawing figures to fit Disney models;
both from The Jack Kirby Collector #32 (TwoMorrows, July 2001)

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 359: Come in, and know me better, spider-man

It's not *really* A Christmas Carol until you get Rizzo and Gonzo as Charles Dickens in there.

We started this festive holiday season by pointing out that J. Jonah Jameson was not unlike that famous curmudgeon of literature, stage, screen, and streaming-and-rebuffering-video, Ebenezer Scrooge. Which makes ya think, doesn't it? Why didn't, ya may be thinking, did Marvel never do a parody of that famous Christmas tale but starring J. Jonah Jameson?. Ya may well think that.

Ya'd be not far off reality, True Believer!

Journalism was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.

Journalism was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.

Splash page from "Jonah's Holiday Carol" in Marvel Holiday Special 2004 one-shot (January 2005), script by Tom DeFalco, pencils and inks by Takeshi Miyazawa, colors by Christina Strain, letters by Clem Robins
Of course, as Mister Magoo and Bill Murray would tell you, if you're going to be a Scrooge on Christmas Eve, you know what will happen, faster than you can say "Blackadder's Christmas Carol"...

'Now, I must be off to toss an elf off a bridge. Merrrrrry Christmas!'

'Now, I must be off to toss an elf off a bridge. Merrrrrry Christmas!'

First up, as Ghost of Christmas Past: Captain America! Technically if you're talking Marvel Comics History, that should be the Sub-Mariner, but Namor would just show him Tunas of Christmas Past, and I think we've all seen that old cliché plenty of times before.

'We're losing his pattern, Captain!'

CHECK IT OUT KID JONAH IS A FANBOY! Bwah-ha-ha-ha hey I wonder if he saved those in Mylar bags?

Wow, Jonah didn't read a SINGLE title from National.

Next up! Funnyman Benjy Grimm, wearin' his unstable molecule snow pants. He's here to show Jonah that IT'S CHRISTMASIN' TIME! Also: that an A-Bomb may have awakened giant radioactive monsters. At last, the definite origin of Fin Fang Foom!

It's a Christmas Thing; you wouldn't understand it.

It's a Christmas Thing; you wouldn't understand it.

Even though this year Hanukkah falls on Christmas Eve, Ben has taken time out of his busy latke and brisket dinner to usher Jonah around The Present of whatever Christmas of ~~2005~~, whatever year it happens to be in the Marvel Universe, included showing him a world where Peter Parker is off swingin' around town. Also: he apparently is married to Mary Jane, so I can't even picture what universe that could possibly be.

Wow, this year's 'A Parker Christmas Spectacular Hour' is a little downbeat.

Wow, this year's 'A Parker Christmas Spectacular Hour' is a little downbeat.

Then it's off to your friendly neighborhood dive bar where nobody knows your name, even if you're former astronaut John Jameson (son of Jonah), fallen on hard times. Whoa, Christmas just got real. Real depressing.

'Now we're all gonna sing 'Rock Candy Christmas.'

'Now we're all gonna sing 'Rock Candy Christmas.'

Personally I woulda picked Spider-Man 2099 to be the Ghost of Christmas Future, but we just get the regular-flavored one. And how come there wasn't a spot for Ghost Rider in this Christmas story? On the other hand, I'd certainly be spooked outta my little stuffed wits if Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield dropped in as Christmas Yet to Come. Especially Garfield, as he's gonna be pretty cranky that tomorrow is Monday.

Whoa, Jonah is sitting down so hard that the vinyl covering on his couch is wrinkling.

Whoa, Jonah is sitting down so hard that the vinyl covering on his couch is wrinkling.

Silent Night, Peter died, that means no, mor-re Spide

r-Man

'And then MJ had to get two W's bleached into her hair for merchandising purposes.'

Then the Bugle goes outta business! Wow, this kinda looks like when the Impossible Man showed up at Marvel Comics HQ looking for Stan in X-Men Annual #7. Hey Jonah, the Bugle blew...out of town.

'I know it's expensive to furnish an office, and that's why I'm recommending Ikea.'

'I know it's expensive to furnish an office, and that's why I'm recommending Ikea.'

Hooray! The Spirits have done it all in ~~one night~~ half an hour, so there's still plenty of time for Jonah to crash the Christmas party. However, in the biggest disaster since Civil War II, all the pigs-in-a-blanket had already been eaten. And, to wrap up our round-up of holiday bonuses given from JJJ to Peter, we're back to him getting ten bucks for Christmas! Merry Christmas, Parker! Buy yourself a clue and form your own groundbreaking elctronics company! Later, in a Christmas miracle, he did.

Man, they shouldn'ta had the new decorators use the Zip-a-Tone wallpaper.

Man, they shouldn'ta had the new decorators use the Zip-a-Tone wallpaper.

Jonah was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Petey, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him.

And what the hey, let's throw some X-Men in the group shot.

And what the hey, let's throw some X-Men in the group shot.

Until he got the caterer's bill. Haw!

And that's why the December 26th edition of the Bugle cost eighteen dollars.

He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Jonah observed,

GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN, EVERYONE!

Today in Comics History, December 24: Clyde Crashup invents the December-only calendar

'Are you aware, Leonardo, that it is nearly the end of 2016?' 'Hooray!'

from "Crashcup's Narrow Escape or You Sleigh Me Deer" in Alvin and His Pals in Merry Christmas with Clyde Crashcup and Leonardo one-shot (Dell, April 1966), script and pencils by John Stanley

Friday, December 23, 2016

Today in Comics History, December 23, 1987: What Have We Learned (About the Pitt), Charlie Brown?

So, as we bid farewell to Pitt Day and its aftermath, let's see where we stand right now:

Mama mia, that'sa one big hole.

Oh no! They took out the Ikea I used to go to by the airport!

Oh no! They took out the Ikea I used to go to by the airport!

'Liquified remains' is such a nice way to say 'atomized body parts.'

diagrams from (top) Marvel Graphic Novel: The Pitt one-shot (Marvel/New Universe, April 1988);
Marvel/New Universe comics cover-dated October 1988

Today in Comics History, December 23, 1987, 9:03 AM: Another classic Genesis hit song is written

Jeff just found out the pizza he ordered from Pittsburgh isn't going to get there in less than thirty minutes.

from D.P.7 #18 (Marvel/New Universe, April 1988); script by Mark Gruenwald, pencils by Paul Ryan, inks by Danny Bulanadi, colors by Paul Becton, letters by Janice Chiang

"Mama" by Genesis (Atlantic/Virgin, 1983); written by Tony Banks, Phil Collins, and Mike Rutherford

Today in Comics History, December 23: Family Services continues to build their case against David Seville for adopting three chipmunks

However, Dave forgot Alvin, Theodore, and Simon had become international recording stars for 'Christmas Don't Be Late,' and were out that night partying at Studio 54 with Bianca Jagger.

from "First Christmas" in Alvin and His Pals in Merry Christmas with Clyde Crashcup and Leonardo (whew!) one-shot (Dell, April 1966), script by Don Segall, artist unidentified and unknown

Yes, Virginia, There Is a Spider-Man: An Editorial by J. Jonah Jameson

Featuring all your favorite comics strips from our funnies page, now in an economical half-page!

Fun fact: Virginia O'Hanlon is the mother of the voice of George Jetson, TV's George O'Hanlon! Be sure to tell all your friends!

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says, "If you see it in THE DAILY BUGLE it's so."
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.

'Who am I dictating this to? MISS BRANT! Get in here!'

VIRGINIA, your little friends have a promising future in journalism. Who accepts any blasted story he hears on the street as fact? Around here I call him Ben Urich and he's fired. You heard me, Urich! Clean out your desk! Get the blazes outta here. This story is crap! Crap! Crap! Who are you trying to fool with this Daredevil story? Everybody knows Matt Murdock is as blind as half of Sandy Duncan. Go ahead, smart guy, tell me how a blind man can be Daredevil? Next thing you'll be telling me is that I'M Daredevil! You wanna see me in spandex tights swinging around the office? NO! Nobody wants to see that. Because I'm a journalist and a journalist gets the story! Okay, you're unfired. Fill up your desk again. Go out there and get the story. I want quotes, denials, pictures. Take Parker with you. Where's Parker? PARKER!

Yes, VIRGINIA, your friends are right to be suspicious about Santa Claus. Just because you see him on every street corner doesn't mean he's real. I see Spider-Man all the time and he's no real hero, I tell you. I've seen some of these con-artists and bums masquerading as Santa Claus down in Times Square and at Macy's and I wouldn't give them a seafood dinner if they were King Namor of Atlantis! You know why? Because they can't prove it. Where's the reindeer, where's the sleigh, where's the presents? I'm gonna come right out and call each and every one of those Broadway Santas a big fat fraud. What're you gonna do, fatties? Sue me? I know more lawyers than you know elves.

Not believe in Santa Claus! That's the kind of no-nonsense, forward-looking view I want to see in an investigative reporter. You might as well believe another planet crashed into us last summer! That's outrageous! I'll tell you what I told Parker: no photos, no story. This is a picture newspaper, dammit! If we can get a picture of Donald Trump giving a Nazi salute, we can certainly get a picture of a planet crashing into the Earth. But does anybody ever think about what I want? No! A little piece and quiet is all I want. And pictures of Spider-Man! Get me pictures of Spider-Man! Get out of here, Parker!

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, and that's the only thing that's gonna get you is the low-down story on those snake-filled baby rattles from Doctor Octopus. You think I got two Pulitzers sitting here at this desk and yelling at Parker to get me pictures of Santa Claus? No! I got them looking out this window and peering into the hearts and minds of every man, woman, and child in this city. And I know what they want. They want honest, solid journalism about corruption, crime, and Spider-Man! Ah, VIRGINIA, in this entire world there's nothing else more real and abiding than catching Spider-Man with his pants down. Metaphorically speaking.

So yes, VIRGINIA, there IS a Spider-Man. He's a threat and a menace, Thank God! for the increase in circulation every time we put one of those Spider-Man photos on the front page by Parker that looks like he shot it through cobwebs. Yes, Spider-Man will continue to threaten you and your family, and the only place you can count on to tell the truth is the DAILY BUGLE. And about this Santa Claus thing: there's only one way to tell for sure. If you don't get absolutely everything you wanted on your Christmas list, every single toy and doll and hula hoop or whatever it is you kids want — it's because Spider-Man killed Santa Claus.

Dictated but not read,
J. JONAH JAMESON

JJJ/bb

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 358: Marvel Comics finally put their Christmas decorations up on these panels

'No, wait, I transposed the 'N' and the 'A'.'

Jonah's just upset that Peter got him yet ANOTHER Furby.

Panels from Sensational Spider-Man (1996 series) #24 (February 1998), script by Todd Dezago, pencils by Todd Nauck, inks by Andrew Hennessey, colors of Gregory Wright, letters by Kiff Scholl

Today in Comics History, December 23, 1987: Marvel instantly rushes to capitalize on Pittsburgh disaster

Well, to be fair, ever since ever John Byrne died a few days ago, we've been trying to figure out how to goose sales, and this is IT!

house ad for the New Universe, from New Universe comics cover-dated May 1988

Today in Comics History, December 23, 1987, 6:06 AM: Colonel Mac Browning swear he will never go hungry again, for tomorrow is another day

'And I'll write it in the form of...HAIKU!'

'Sergeant, where the heck did we get this white-on-black typewriter?'

from Marvel Graphic Novel: The Pitt one-shot (Marvel, April 1988); script by John Byrne and Mark Gruenwald; pencils by Sal Buscema; inks by Stan Drake; ink assists by Chris Ivy and Donald Hudson; colors by Janet Jackson; letters by Agustin Mas, Michael Heisler, and Rick Parker
Wikipedia, the Encyclopedia that didn't exist in the New Universe, tells us:

The crater itself is referred to as The Pitt, as is the event that created it. The destruction of Pittsburgh (and the unsolved mystery of its cause) leads to a dramatic rise in international tension and a vast militarization of American society, including the suspension of civil rights. Many cities suffer dramatic drop in population as residents fear becoming victims of another "Pitt." New York and surrounding areas in particular suffer severe economic downturn as, in addition to general depopulation, ash and smoke drifting Eastward from the Pitt have a negative environmental impact.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The New Universe: the world outside your window.

Today in Comics History, December 23, 1987, 4:57 AM: Sergeant Larry Fine picks up vital radio news

from Marvel Graphic Novel: The Pitt one-shot (Marvel/New Universe, April 1988); script by John Byrne and Mark Gruenwald; pencils by Sal Buscema; inks by Stan Drake; ink assists by Chris Ivy and Donald Hudson; colors by Janet Jackson; letters by Agustin Mas, Michael Heisler, and Rick Parker

Today in Comics History, December 23, 1987, 4:21 AM: Pittsburgh's last artisanal steel shop slowly sinks below the surface

Today in Comics History, December 23, 1987, 3:18 AM: Giant Red Darth Vader mask contains full home entertainment system

'An episode of 'Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors'? But why?'

Today in Comics History, December 23, 1987, 2:00 AM: Fandom reaction to plot twist in New Universe is not surprising

'Whoa, I AM hot! Everybody wants a piece o' the Witness!'

Today in Comics History, December 23, 1987, 1:43 AM: Momentary lull in Hulk activity gives military time to deal with paperwork

Today in Comics History: After two-plus hours inside armor deep in The Pitt, Jenny Swensen's hair still bouncin' and behavin'

'If I want you to puke your guts out? Hold on, let me get a classified file folder.'

Panels from Marvel Graphic Novel: The Pitt one-shot (April 1988); script by John Byrne and Mark Gruenwald; pencils by Sal Buscema; inks by Stan Drake; ink assists by Chris Ivy and Donald Hudson; colors by Janet Jackson; letters by Agustin Mas, Michael Heisler, and Rick Parker

Today in Comics History, December 23, 1987, 1:04 AM: Letterman Show almost completely missed

'You'll be fine here right on the edge of a nuclear disaster, right? Okay, see ya.'

Today in Comics History, December 23, 1987, 12:52 AM: Flight out of Pittsburgh complicated by passenger complaining about Hillary b*tches

'Shoulda stayed off the freeway and taken the back roads.'

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Today in Comics History, December 22, 1987, 11:02 PM: Jenny Swensen tours beautiful downtown Pittsburgh

And this is why draining the swamp never works, kids.

Today in Comics History, December 22, 1987, 10:41 PM: Silhouetted figure attempts to fool kids into thinking they're buying an Iron Man comic

Fourteen miles deep and when you touch down, you'll find that it's stranger than known.

Today in Comics History, December 22, 1987, 10:16 PM: Q: Where do you get a green trenchcoat? A: Pittsburgh.

I always feel like somebody's watching me / And I have no privacy! / Whoa, I always feel like somebody's watching me! / Tell me, is it just a dream?