Saturday, June 29, 2013

365 Days of DC House Ads, Day 180: The Greatest Lois Lane Ad Ever


House ad for Lois Lane #77 (October 1967); printed in World's Finest Comics #169 (September 1967)
Comic cover art: pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger, letters by Ira Schnapp
"Lois as a witch" heads taken from "The Witch of Metropolis" in Lois Lane #77 (originally printed in Lois Lane #1), script by Otto Binder, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger

Ad designed and lettered by Ira Schnapp

One of the great things, I'd always thought alllll those years ago since I started my 365 Days with... project with Ben Grimm, was that I could post a panel, make a funny alt-text comment, and then boom! There it was, instant post! And yet this year I find myself adding more and more panels and commentary to the DC House Ads (like here and here and here) until they become more like what I like to call (ahem) "regular posts." (Which is also why there's no Psylocke Psaturday again tonight. Sorry!)

Because seriously, could I resist showing you panels from the story where Lois turns into a witch? No, I could not.


Yes, it's not a dream, a hoax, or an imaginary story...Lois really does turn into a witch!


Panel from "The Witch of Metropolis" in Lois Lane #77 (originally printed in Lois Lane #1), script by Otto Binder, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger

With witchy powers comes witchy responsibilities and a keen catch-phrase. So that's where that came from!


Wanna hear it again? Sure, we all do!


Lois immediately puts her Satan-given powers to work...to outscoop Clark Kent on all the hottest news stories in Metropolis that involve witchcraft I guess.


We repeat: Lois is a witch!


A witch is like a storm brewing within you.


Of course, in the end, it turns out that she was just subjected to radiation that made her temporarily elderly, and all the seeming-witchcraft tricks were performed by Superman at inhuman speeds or just off camera. (Oh wait, then it was a hoax. Sorry.) Okay, I'll buy that, story...except for one thing:

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME LOIS LANE WILL AGE TO LOOK LIKE THIS, STORY?!?


So, to sum up: yes, truly, this was The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever.




...




Until the next story in this comic! Where Lois shows off her journalistic ethics and integrity:


Panels from "Lois Lane—Convict," reprinted from Lois Lane #6 (January 1959), script by Bill Finger, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger

Lois Lane has obviously never read the Associated Press Guide to News Writing Associated Press Guide to News Writing, but she probably has read this.


Then there's this timely and patriotic story:


Panel from "The Six Lives of Lois Lane!", reprinted from Action Comics (1938 series) #198 (November 1954), script by Bill Woolfolk, pencils by Wayne Boring, inks by Stan Kaye

We shouldn't be too hard on these stories, tho'! They were written for a young audience and never meant to evoke adult or mature themes.

Splash panel from "The Mad Woman of Metropolis!," reprinted from Lois Lane #26 (July 1961), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger

Yep, another silly, cheerful, uplifting Lois Lane tale!


Following her tragic suicidal death in "The Mad Woman of Metropolis!," Lois Lane did not appear again in DC Comics. Until the next story. Well, what do you know...those X-ray specs you send away for out of the back of comics really do work!


Panel from "Lois Lane's X-Ray Vision!," reprinted from Lois Lane #22 (January 1961), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger

FLIRTY LOIS IS FLIRTY


Then, Lois dies again. This time Superman kills her. Seriously, though, it's freakin' Superman. No jury in the land would convict him.


Panel from "The Ghost of Lois Lane," reprinted from Superman (1939 series) #129 (May 1959), script by Jerry Coleman, pencils by Wayne Boring, inks by Stan Kaye

It's a story which this thing is involved (and I bet you can figure out how):


Then, Lois discovers that drinking milk helps you resist truth serum administered during beauty parlor treatments. IT'S CANON FANBOYS


Panels from "Lois Lane's Darkest Secret!", reprinted from Lois Lane #25 (May 1961), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger

Then, there is this: The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever.


Splash panel from "The Fattest Girl in Metropolis," reprinted from Lois Lane #5 (November-December 1958), script by Otto Binder, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger

I somehow doubt there was a store by this name, EVEN IN METROPOLIS:


I would just like to point out that Lois Lane has a photo of herself hanging on her own apartment wall. Also, a cordless phone.


Turns out it was a plan by Superman all along, to humiliate and embarass protect Lois from being recognized by the mob. And here's the payoff. Yes, truly this is The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever.


Offended, comic book readers who happen to be girls ladies female? Well, cast your beautiful enchanting, bewitching peepers on this letter in the very same issue!


Then there's this one:


W-w-w-wait a minute, did that guy just write


I'm the world's most non-violent, tolerant, and placid little stuffed bull...but even I would beat up this kid in the schoolyard.

And that's why this was The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever.

3 comments:

Gou Tongzhi said...

Words fail. So great.

Blam said...


"Am I-- I turning evil like all witches in history?"

Way to be judgmental, Lois.

"I know how her lips must ache for Superman's," however, is — with all due respect to your genius, Bully, and genius you frequently display — quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read on this blog.

Jason Glor said...

Why would Superman want to perpetuate Lois' belief that she is turning into a witch? Does every Silver Age Superman story involve him being a jerk to Lois and Jimmy?