Tuesday, April 30, 2024

Anyway, Here's WonderWalpurgis Night: The Witches Gonna Getcha If You Don't Watch Out

It's the last night of the month...haunted by fiendish witches, hellish demons and scary supernatural beasts! No, no, sit down, October...we're talkin' about the final day of April: Walpurgis Night! Admittedly, I thought it said Walgreen's Purchase Night and I went out and bought a bag of overpriced energy drinks and some Band-Aids, but it's actually the night before the Feast Day of Saint Walpurga, patron saint of rabies. Oh, I'm sorry, I'll read that again: against rabies. So if you happen to be cuddling in a box full of rats, just whip off a quick prayer to Saint W., and she'll fix you up faster than you can say "foaming at the mouth!"

W. also legendarily (but again, don't they all) protected early German Christians from witchcraft, bklack magic, and pesky ring-around-the-collar, so it makes sense all the Minerva McGonagalls and Wanda Maximovas and Sabrina Spellmans (Spellmen?) and Broom Hildas haunt the night. And then with the rising dawn, just like at the end of Fantasia, Saint Walpurga comes out and beats 'em all to a pulp with, I dunno, probably a crucifix made out of the bones of Jesus, the Oxford Unabridged Bible, and a hound dawg dunked in holy water. Say! I do believe I have just created a 1990s Image Bad Girl comic.

Another Fascinating Bully Factoid!: the Church of Satan was founded on Walpurgis Night in 1966 and founder Anton LaVey states (pictured, right) in The Satanic Bible that besides his own birthday (June 66th), Walpurgisnacht ranks as an important Satanic holiday, along with Halloween, International Witches' Day (November 16), Arbor Day, Election Day, and the entirety of Monster Mash Week. But we here (we = me) at Comics Oughta Be Fun celebrate Walpurgis Night in the usual innovative way: through comic books! Also, we're having candy corn! Are you scared yet?

from "Walpurgis!" in Witches Tales #18 (Harvey, April 1953), pencils and inks by Howard Nostrand

Well! This guy looks like fun! Wonder what his whole deal is?

Turns out he's just another disgruntled employee who's decided that his previous plan of quiet quitting isn't working at all against his clockmaker boss. But the gears of his brain are ticking away at5 an evil plot he's going to intitute any minute! ... Clock!

Carl makes a deal with the Walpurgis demons (as he happens to have a hard-boiled egg in his pocket) and decides to pick what's behind the third door: death! He then kills (peers at comic carefully- Santa Claus by (squinting my eyes) stabbing him with the long hand from a clock face. No, you fool! That's a minute hand! (I suppose my joke would have worked better here if you had read that as mine-UTE instead of MIN-UT.)

The clockmaker curses Carl with a clock-related revenge: all the clocks in Clockville will stop forever! Oh no! Who can save us from this dread destiny, except perhaps Prez Rickard? Meanwhile, a Space Phantom looks on.

Well, don't the Walpurgis Devils (Atlantic Division in the Eastern Conference, 39-37 last season) love this! Since it's Walpurgis Night for the rest of eternity, they can romp and play and belabor and bedevil and run up flase charges on your Diner's Club card all night long! Also: the morning paper shall never be delivered!

But April is rainy season (Remember? The thing that brings May flowers? Geez, have you guys never studied serious poetry?) and it's pretty much flooding the demons fun frolicking out, and since the night will last forever, they can't ever declare a rain delay!

Because remember, devils and monsters are famously not water-repellent, with the single exception of the Naugahyde, who wipes clean with a damp sponge and remains as cuddly as ever.

Oh, and anyway, the devils tear Carl apart piece by piece. Which only goes to show.

How does that tale of Walpurgis Night suit you, kids? Did you find it scary? Even Count Bully found that story scary, and Count Bully doesn't scare easily, I tell you.

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