More about the Vision than you ever wanted to know.

In the spirit of The Vision in a Sweater and a Bathrobe and The Vision in a Turtleneck comes these astonishing follow-ups from the synthezoid men call...The Vision! In...something. This time it's...

The Vision in a Speedo!

Panels from (top to bottom) The Avengers #137 (July 1975); The Avengers v.3 #23 (December 1999); What If? v.2 #9 (January 1990)


Special Bonus! From the immortal Avengers #254, here's an all-new, all-elegant fashion parade by Vizh! He shops at Casual Male...so you don't have to!

The Vision in a Polo Shirt, Sex Dungeon Wear*, and Hanging Around the Playboy Mansion!

Panels from The Avengers #254 (April 1985), script by Roger Stern, breakdowns by Bob Hall, finishes by Joe DelBeato and Joe Rubinstein, colors by Christie Scheele, letters by Joe Rosen


Extra Special Bonus!: what if the Vision had the same musculature as Rob Liefeld's Captain America**? We'd all freak out, that's what!


Panels from The Vision #1 (November 1994), script by Bob Harras, pencils by Manny Clark, inks by Al Vey and Mike Machlan, colors by Joe Andreani, letters by Bill Oakley


And if you've come this far, you can't avert your eyes in time to unsee

NAKED VISION!

Think that's bad enough? Does that make you feel uncomfortable? Then maybe you haven't noticed the crowning point in the Vision's miniseries of the nineties skeeviness:

HE HAS A PIN-UP OF PSYLOCKE.

I'm pretty sure that's about all you want to know about The Vision for quite some time.


*Not that I know anything about that.
**Persons of a nervous disposition should not click on this link. Probably too late, sorry.

Professor X is a Jerk!: Gonna be your man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels

It's not only in the actual Marvel comic books that Professor X is a jerk—he's pretty much an all-over arrogant good-for-nothing varmint, as they would say way out west if he were caught rustling cattle, which he actually did in X-Men/Rawhide Kid Team-Up #43 (July 1976). Mind you, he looked mighty fine in those leather chaps.

Instead, let's take a look at a medium in which you'd hardly expect Charles Xavier to be a complete and utter skunk: a children's picture and sticker book. How does this make him jerky? Well, you have to remember he sold off the likeness and personality traits of every one of the X-Men to various publishers in exchange for filthy, filthy lucre. (Except for Maggott. No one wanted to buy the rights to him.) Here's one of the more egregious examples from that bargain made with the devil X: 2003's Wheels of Steel, written by Michi Fujimoto, author of such Marvel classics as Football Spider-Man: Touchdown!, Hulk Rage! Get Ready for Hulk!, and Elektra Wins the Girl Scout Cookie Competition. The art's by Ron Lim (yes, Marvel Comics artist Ron Lim from Silver Surfer and Captain America) and Emily Y. Kanalz. The "Y" is for "Why, Professor Xavier, why?"

As the story opens, Professor Xavier is hanging out at the park, approaching and speaking to young boys who don't know him. Maybe they should call him Predator X. Quick, somebody phone Chris Hansen! And hey, what kind of basketball court doesn't have a smooth flat asphalt surface? And in Westchester, yet? My guess: this was a paved court until the Juggernaut tore it up. Which only goes to prove: unlike the Dukes, all the Xavier boys are jerks.



Professor X resists no impulse to twist the knife at any chance. "It's nice to be able to do things that others can't." Wow, now that's a reassuring idea to a kid who's in a wheelchair. Luckily, he's exposed the secret identities of his nearby school by bringing out two of his students, in costume, so that other children on the playground will be able to sell their cell phone photos to the Daily Bugle's "Page 6," which will be published with the headline "CUEBALL PROFESSOR IS MUTANT MENTOR!" And also "SPIDER-MAN: THREAT OR MENACE?"



Storm creates a wind strong enough to lift Kyle and his wheelchair up into the air. So, wow, it's just like flying! Except, y'know, still in a wheelchair. It's a little like riding Space Mountain completely covered in bubblewrap. On the one hand, you can say you've been on Space Mountain. On the other hand...



Hooray, Kyle made a slam dunk! Coincidentally, the deadly mutant Proteus has transformed the grass to asphalt in between the last two pages. Even tho' he's made it so the basket faces away from the court by 90 degrees. Proof positive that mutants are jerks.



You've got to admit that's pretty cool, and all the kids are so delighted that their faces are frozen into identical grins. Possibly Professor X has filled the basketball with Joker venom. In any case, to quote: "The kids cheered. 'Do it again!'"

At which point Professor Xavier immediately takes off so that Kyle will never be able to do that again.



Whatta jerk.

On the other hand, this book provides us with two pages of gooey, gummy, 'glutinative stickers! Nobody doesn't like stickers! Look at them all! Including a Rogue/Mystique catfight! Mrrowwww!



I, of course, have wasted no time in creating a lovely sticker tableau for your enjoyment and entertainment. Turn it into your computer desktop image. I dare ya!



As befitting Proffesor X's usual jerkiness, however, some of the stickers are less than entertaining. What the Sam Scratch is this thing?!?:



Finally, no set of stickers is complete without a British supermodel-turned-pilot-turned-superhero transformed into a purple-haired Asian ninjette in a swimsuit with stretchy bands around her thighs. Yes, that's right...hey, look, it's Psylocke!



So, to sum up: Professor X is a jerk. But you knew that already.

365 Days with Hank McCoy, Day 277

Panels from Uncanny X-Men #460 (August 2005), script by who else but Chris Claremont, pencils by Tom Raney, inks by Scott Hanna, colors by Gina Going, letters by Rus Wooton

365 Days with Hank McCoy, Day 266

Panel from X-Men Annual #1 (1992), script by Fabian Nicieza; layouts by Jim Lee; pencils by (inhale) P. Craig Russell, Brian Stelfreeze, Adam Hughes, Stuart Immonen, Dan Panosian, Greg Capullo, Mark Texeira; inks by P. Craig Russell, Brian Stelfreeze, Joe Rubinstein, Harry Candelario, Dan Panosian, Mark Texeira; colors by Joe Rosas; letters by Tom Orzechowski and L. Lois Buhalis (exhale)

365 Days with Hank McCoy, Day 246

Panel from X-Men #2 (November 1991), co-plot and script by Chris Claremont, co-polt and pencils by Jim Lee, inks by Scott Williams, colors by Joe Rosas, letters by Tom Orzechowski

365 Days with Hank McCoy, Day 206

Panel from X-Men #22 (July 1993), script by Fabian Nicieza, pencils by Andy Kubert, inks by Mark Pennington, colors by Joe Rosas, letters by Bill Oakley

365 Days with Hank McCoy, Day 185

Hank McCoy and all his mutant pals wish you a Happy Fourth! Have a great holiday weekend! And play safe near the pool!

"X-Men Pool Party" pin-up by Jim Lee
(Click it to see the whole picture...and then help me out here, X-Fans! Who's the woman on Hank's back? Who's the woman with Gambit and Jean? (Cecelia Reyes?) Who's the woman with Bobby? And hey, where's Kurt?)

365 Days with Hank McCoy, Day 148

Page from X-Men #12 (September 1992), script by Fabian Nicieza, pencils and inks by Art Thibert, inking assists by Dan Panosian and Trevor Scott, colors by Joe Rosas and Marie Javins, letters by Tom Orzechowski

Extreme Makeover: Jubilation Lee

Jubilee, 1990 edition:

Panels from Uncanny X-Men #268 (Late September 1990), script by Chris Claremont, pencils by Jim Lee, inks by Scott Williams, colors by Glynis Oliver, letters by Tom Orzechowski

Jubilee, 2007 edition:

Panels from New Warriors v.4 (September 2007), script by Kevin Grevioux, pencils by Paco Medina, inks by Juan Vlasco, colors by Marte Gracia, letters by Joe Caramagna

365 Days with Hank McCoy, Day 18

Panel from X-Men Annual #1 (1992), script by Fabian Nicieza, layouts by Jim Lee, pencils and inks by a buncha guys, colors by Joe Rosas, letters by L. Lois Buhalis

365 Days with Hank McCoy, Day 15

Panel from X-Men #33 (October 1991), co-plot and script by Chris Claremont, co-plot and pencils by Jim Lee, inks by Scott Williams, colors by Joe Rosas, letters by Tom Orzechowski
(Click picture to all-together-now-size)

Monday Night Murals: Everybody Pile-On Magneto!

The first issue of a comic book series...now, that's some exciting stuff, if a little chancey: you don't know quite what you're in for when you first pick up that #1 issue now, do you? It's a little like playing a game of "Mystery Date": will you get a dream (ooooooo!) or a dud (ickkkkkk!)?

A new X-Men series, now that doesn't come along every...bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha !...Sorry, I couldn't even finish that sentence with a straight face! Okay, so maybe every other week there's a new X-Men series (coming this week: X-Men: The Search for Cyclops' Socks #1!), but once in a while the good folks at Marvel really roll out the adamantium carpet to make a series special...like the time in 1991 when Adjectiveless X-Men #1 came out with...wait for it...four different covers:

Covers to X-Men #1 (October 1991), art by Jim Lee and Scott Williams
(Click picture to nineties-size)

Four covers! Four covers to the same comic book that interconnect into tonight's spectacular Monday Night Mural! When you look at the art of Jim Lee, complete with orange-toned Psylocke, and hear those angelic bells pealing, folks, it feels like heaven, doesn't it? Wait a minute...those bells aren't chiming, they're going ka-ching! That's the sound of your money vanishing into the pockets of Marvel Comics, because in a shrewd and common move for the decade, the different versions of X-Men #1 featured not only different covers but different interior pin-ups in each version! Even more exciting, each version was released a week apart, so even if you felt the need to pick 'em all up, you had to return to your LCS every week for an entire month. And ya wanna know the fun part, boys 'n' girls? We did it. (Well, some people did. Me, I picked up the first version the first week an' enjoyed it jus' fine.)

For those willing to wait until the four connecting covers had been released, you could also pick up (for a mere 3.95 times the price of a single issue) the deluxe version which featured all the covers in a big fold-out pin-up and all the interior extra pages. And I think it went something like this:

I do like the expanded, deluxe edition: the logo is organically built into the landscape, the green background pops the X-Men's figures more prominently, and Betsy doesn't quite look so much like she overdid it with the QT.



And, ya gotta love Magneto's gritty-teeth superiority. "Ha ha, X-Men, I'm behind an impenetrable field of pure magnetism and you're throwing at least two guys made of metal at me! PWNED!" (Note: Magneto's dialogue may not be authentic.) Why, he's so cocky about his victory that he ain't even looking at them. And the worst thing is: the X-Men fall for this stunt, every single time. Again



and again



and again



Whoops, no, that's not the X-Men but rather X-Menmania, a startling simulation of the X-Men that's so realistic, you'll swear they're uncanny.

So anyways, there ya go. A pretty-cool mural consisting of four X-Men covers for the same comic that really kickstarted the whole "let's do a bajillion X-Men comic books until we pretty much kill the franchise" trend, but at least it's got some dandy art by Jim Lee from the days when you didn't need to take off your socks to count the number of X-Men. And nobody ever saw Psylocke colored in a citrusy tone, ever again.



Oh, for cryin' out loud.