Monday, February 07, 2011

Professor X is a Jerk!: Gonna be your man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels

Professor X is a Jerk!

Wheels of SteelIt's not only in the actual Marvel comic books that Professor X is a jerk—he's pretty much an all-over arrogant good-for-nothing varmint, as they would say way out west if he were caught rustling cattle, which he actually did in X-Men/Rawhide Kid Team-Up #43 (July 1976). Mind you, he looked mighty fine in those leather chaps.

Instead, let's take a look at a medium in which you'd hardly expect Charles Xavier to be a complete and utter skunk: a children's picture and sticker book. How does this make him jerky? Well, you have to remember he sold off the likeness and personality traits of every one of the X-Men to various publishers in exchange for filthy, filthy lucre. (Except for Maggott. No one wanted to buy the rights to him.) Here's one of the more egregious examples from that bargain made with the devil X: 2003's Wheels of Steel, written by Michi Fujimoto, author of such Marvel classics as Football Spider-Man: Touchdown!, Hulk Rage! Get Ready for Hulk!, and Elektra Wins the Girl Scout Cookie Competition. The art's by Ron Lim (yes, Marvel Comics artist Ron Lim from Silver Surfer and Captain America) and Emily Y. Kanalz. The "Y" is for "Why, Professor Xavier, why?"

As the story opens, Professor Xavier is hanging out at the park, approaching and speaking to young boys who don't know him. Maybe they should call him Predator X. Quick, somebody phone Chris Hansen! And hey, what kind of basketball court doesn't have a smooth flat asphalt surface? And in Westchester, yet? My guess: this was a paved court until the Juggernaut tore it up. Which only goes to prove: unlike the Dukes, all the Xavier boys are jerks.

Wheels of Steel

Professor X resists no impulse to twist the knife at any chance. "It's nice to be able to do things that others can't." Wow, now that's a reassuring idea to a kid who's in a wheelchair. Luckily, he's exposed the secret identities of his nearby school by bringing out two of his students, in costume, so that other children on the playground will be able to sell their cell phone photos to the Daily Bugle's "Page 6," which will be published with the headline "CUEBALL PROFESSOR IS MUTANT MENTOR!" And also "SPIDER-MAN: THREAT OR MENACE?"

Wheels of Steel

Storm creates a wind strong enough to lift Kyle and his wheelchair up into the air. So, wow, it's just like flying! Except, y'know, still in a wheelchair. It's a little like riding Space Mountain completely covered in bubblewrap. On the one hand, you can say you've been on Space Mountain. On the other hand...

Wheels of Steel

Hooray, Kyle made a slam dunk! Coincidentally, the deadly mutant Proteus has transformed the grass to asphalt in between the last two pages. Even tho' he's made it so the basket faces away from the court by 90 degrees. Proof positive that mutants are jerks.

Wheels of Steel

You've got to admit that's pretty cool, and all the kids are so delighted that their faces are frozen into identical grins. Possibly Professor X has filled the basketball with Joker venom. In any case, to quote: "The kids cheered. 'Do it again!'"

At which point Professor Xavier immediately takes off so that Kyle will never be able to do that again.

Wheels of Steel

Whatta jerk.

On the other hand, this book provides us with two pages of gooey, gummy, 'glutinative stickers! Nobody doesn't like stickers! Look at them all! Including a Rogue/Mystique catfight! Mrrowwww!

Wheels of Steel

I, of course, have wasted no time in creating a lovely sticker tableau for your enjoyment and entertainment. Turn it into your computer desktop image. I dare ya!

Wheels of Steel

As befitting Proffesor X's usual jerkiness, however, some of the stickers are less than entertaining. What the Sam Scratch is this thing?!?:

Wheels of Steel

Finally, no set of stickers is complete without a British supermodel-turned-pilot-turned-superhero transformed into a purple-haired Asian ninjette in a swimsuit with stretchy bands around her thighs. Yes, that's right...hey, look, it's Psylocke!

Wheels of Steel

So, to sum up: Professor X is a jerk. But you knew that already.


Anonymous said...

Looks like one o' those slap bracelets.

Steve said...

Funny stuff, Mr Bully. Like it.

Jacob T. Levy said...

You've got the world's most powerful telekenetic standing right next to you. So how do you choose to raise the kid in a wheelchair up into the air? With a hurricane-force wind, of course?

Anonymous said...

DNA, maybe? (A DNA sticker bookmark. Educational /and/ pretty! (But pretty useless.))

Jason said...

The sticker tableau is mesmerizing.