There Is No Hope in Crime Alley, Night 8: Dumbass Things You Especially Shouldn't Do in Crime Alley

Panels from Legends of the Dark Knight (digital comic) #48 (April 2013), script by Tim Seeley, pencils and inks by Freddie E. Williams II, colors by Wendy Broome, letters by Saida Temofonte
I'm pretty sure the Batman doesn't want to hear philosophical musings by a guy who holds people up at gunpoint in Crime Alley, so I can only presume the rest of the comic is Batman continuously pummeling this guy until Alfred tells him to come in for breakfast.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 186: This is totally the wrong day to attack Captain America, Jonah

Panel from Avenging Spider-Man #3 (March 2012), script by Zeb Wells, pencils and inks by Joe Madureira, colors by Ferran Daniel, letters by Joe Caramagna

Dumbass Things You Shouldn't Do: My intention here is serious, even tho' I have Tigra in this post

So, this psast Psaturday, in the midpst of a dipscupspsion about Psylocke, I brought you this panel showing Captain America (in his civilian identity as District Attorney Grant Gardner illustrator Steve Rogers), getting so many obsessive love vibes from a fictional version of Marvel writer Ann Nocenti during a job interview that he jumps out of the window. Creeeeeepy, FictionAnn! Stop staring at Steve's butt!


Panels from Avengers v.1 #215 (January 1982), script by Jim Shooter, pencils by Alan Weiss, inks by Dan Green, colors by Christie Scheele, letters by Joe Rosen
As I commented at the time: And that's why Ann Nocenti punched Jim Shooter in the face. I'd now like to make it clear that was a joke. (That's a joke, I say, that's a joke, son!) Ann Nocenti would never punch Jim Shooter in the face. (For one thing, she couldn't reach.)

But is this the worst time that Captain America has ever gotten these sort of vibes from someone during an interview? Heck no. (Or else I wouldn't have much of a post tonight.) There's this "classic" moment where Steve, man-hunk that he is, loses out on a job after refusing to date Ms. Irene Clancy.


Page from Captain America Annual #5 (1981), script by David Michelinie, pencils by Gene Colan, inks by Dave Simons, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Joe Rosen
Immediately following this scene, Steve Rogers hired his good friends Matt Murdock and Foggy Nelson, who filed a five million dollar suit against Irene Clancy and Concept Inc. for sexual discrimination and sexual harassment. The company later agreed on an out-of-court 1.5 million dollar settlement, which Steve immediately spent on shield wax. Ms. Irene Clancy was immediately terminated from her position. She now manages a Hardee's in Buffalo, NY.

My point, and I do have one...don't do that.

Don't do this, either:


Panels from Avengers v.1 #215
That guy's perfectly-rectangular briefcase will never be the same again! This falls not only under this blog's usual criteria of Dumbass Things You Shouldn't Do but is also sexual harassment. Even though this is the most crowded bank in Manhattan since October 29, 1929, there simply ain't no excuse for pawing (please excuse the pun) Tigra. Not how she's dressed, not how furry she is. As one, and on behalf of all furry creatures I say "Hands off, buddy!"


It's an inappropriate, illegal, and dumbass thing to do, and not only should it get you arrested, it may just get you railed.


So let's remember this as we move into comic book convention season, and I shouldn't have to tell you this: don't be a dumbass around other people, no matter how they're dressed. Treat them with respect and hands off. Let's have comic book conventions without anyone getting manhandled, catcalled, insulted, badgered, groped, molested, or treated as an object. Okay? Okay.


Panel from Avengers v.1 #214 (December 1981), script by Jim Shooter, pencils by Bob Hall, inks by Dan Green, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Janice Chiang

OH FOR PETE'S SAKE GHOST RIDER

Dumbass Things You Shouldn't Do in the Marvel Universe, Number ∞

Hey Absorbing Man!


Panel from Infinity Crusade #3 (August 1993), script by Jim Starlin, pencils by Ron Lim, inks by Al Milgrom, colors by Ian Laughlin, letters by Jack Morelli


Never attack...




...Avengers Mansion...




...during a company-wide crossover event.




So remember, kids...and villains...and villainous kids...don't be s dumbass...

Stay home during a crossover.

Dumbass Things You Shouldn't Do in the Stephen J. Cannelloverse

In a multiverse which contains the tough-guy no-holds barred worlds of The Rockford Files, Baretta, Black Sheep Squadron, Hardcastle and McCormick, Wiseguy, The Commish, 21 Jump Street and, uh, The Greatest American Hero, you should beware of doing dumbass things that you know deep down are going to get your face bashed in by the stars of the show around whom that world revolves. But of all the shows from Silk Stalkings to Tenspeed and Brown Shoe, of all the characters in the Stephen J. Cannelloverse from Richie Brockelman to Rick Hunter, who is the one person you most don't wanna do dumbass stuff to?...

Here's a hint: if you do that dumbass stuff, you're a fool, and I pity you.



Pages from The A-Team (Marvel, March 1984), script by Jim Salicrup, pencils and colors by Marie Severin, inks by Chic Stone, letters by Brad Joyce
Yep. Do not bother Mr. T. while he's drinking his milk.

I like these pages a lot. They've got a cinematic vibe, doing something you can do easily on the TV screen but which isn't often seen on the comic page, certainly at that time. Eisner has done it, and Frank Miller was doing it in the mid-80s, but you wouldn't expect to see this technique used in an off-the-beaten-616-track miniseries like The A-Team, which holds the "camera" steady and lets its figures wreck havoc throughout, allowing us to precisely follow the action, the motion, and the ass-whupping therein. Bob and Ray have the right idea: get out of the way and let the chaos commence. Then, create a critically acclaimed comedy radio show about it. Anyway, my point, and I do have one: Marie Severin is wonderful. But we all knew that already, right? Right.

So, what have we learned?


To sum up: don't do dumbass things around Mr. T. 'Coz you know what happens.


Ah. I love it when a plan comes together.

Disproving Croce's Theorem (Dumbass Things You Shouldn't Do in the DC Universe)

A wise man once said "You don't tug on Superman's cape." And he oughta know: he had a box just for wishes and dreams that had never come true. (You can get 'em at The Container Store.) Among other things he advised against: spitting into the wind and messing with Jim. I'm a bit uncertain on that last one. Not only do many people mess with Jimmy Olsen, but they usually succeed in getting away with messing with Jim:






Panels from Jimmy Olsen #67 (March 1963), scripts by Edmond Hamilton, Leo Dorfman and Jerry Siegel; pencils by John Forte and Curt Swan; inks by John Forte and George Klein

Well. I think we've proved quite convincingly you can mess around with Jim. There's only one exception...you don't mess around with Jim when he's dressed as a girl.


Page from Jimmy Olsen #159 (August 1973), script by Leo Dorfman, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger

Whoa! You've come a long way, baby!

Disproving one of the science world's famous "Croce equations" casts doubt on the others. As I've mentioned above, "don't tug on Superman's cape," advises the renowned mathballadeer, but can we disprove this theorem? Why, yes, I think we can. Here's exhibit A.


Cover of Superman v.2 #176 (January 2002), art by Ed McGuinness and Cam Smith

Lemme ask you this: if you tug on Superman's cape...what's he gonna do? He's freakin' Superman, you know! Superman won't do much about that. e'll probably say "Stop it, please." (He's very polite.) If you're a cute small child (or stuffed bull) tugging on Superman's cape generally results in a smile, a pat on the head, and a souvenir diamond made out of that lump of Kingsford you've got in your pocket. He is, I repeat, Superman. He's not violent towards cape-tuggers. Even if Darkseid does it, Kal will probably just say "Hey, quit it. Quit it. Darkseid...quit it, okay?"




Panel from Superman/Batman #50 (September 2008), by a whole lotta people; you figure it out



What about tugging on the cape of a more renowned badass of the DC Universe: Elongated Man Batman? Surely that's a bad idea, right? Mmmmmmaybe not, as can be seen in these verified examples. Here's some specific documented proof of Tim Drake tugging on Batman's cape.


Panels from Batman #600 (April 2002), script by Ed Brubaker, pencils by Scott McDaniel, inks by Andy Owens, colors by Gregory Wright, letters by John Costanza

Well, he didn't say please, but hey, Tim survived the actual experience. Truth is, it's actually pretty easy to not only tug but to take Batman's cape. Why not just help yourself to it when he hangs it up in the Batcave? It's just on the middle hook right between the hooks where Robin's costume and Ace the Bat-Hound's hood usually dangle.


Panel from Batman #156 (June 1963), script by Bill Finger, pencils by Sheldon Moldoff, inks by Charles Paris, letters by Stan Starkman

How easy is it to steal Batman's cape? So easy that Perry White did it.


Panel from Jimmy Olsen #117 (January 1969), script by Otto Binder, pencils and inks by Pete Costanza

So easy that Lady Gaga did it!



Huh! So apparently you can tug on Superman's cape, steal Batman's, unravel Wonder Woman's golden lasso, untie Flash's sneakers, and use Plastic Man to copy comic strips from the newspaper. So what is it that you really should never, ever, do? What is the most totally dumbass thing to do in the DC Universe?

Oh yeah...you should never, ever, try to sucker-punch Superman.





Why? Because this happens:


Panels from Batman #429 (January 1989), script by Jim Starlin, pencils by Jim Aparo, inks by Mike DeCarlo, colors by Adrienne Roy, letters by John Costanza

Later on they had a good laugh at it and Supes flew Bats up to his Arctic Fortress of Solitude so Batman could sit outside for a while and ice his hand and cry where nobody could see him. So yeah...don't do that. Dumbass Batman.

So! Have we learned a lesson at all today? Why yes...yes we have!


Panel from Jimmy Olsen #67 (March 1963), script by Leo Dorfman, pencils by Curt Swan, inks by George Klein

Dumbass Things You Shouldn't Do in the Marvel Universe #7: Can we fix it? Yes we can!

When driving a cab in the Marvel Universe, never attempt to shake down the Hulk for a tip.





Especially when the Hulk is in his Joe Fixit persona.





Okay, you can probably get away with doing that. But, really: don't do this.





So, to sum up: don't be a dumbass in the Marvel Universe.



Really. Don't.
Panels from (of all places!) Wolverine v.1 #7 (May 1989), script by Chris Claremont, pencils and inks by John Buscema, colors by Mike Rockwitz, letters by Ken Bruzenak

Dumbass Things You Shouldn't Do in the Marvel Universe, Number 23

Hey! You know enough not to be a dumbass, right? It's one of those things your mama taught you, right...like not putting your elbows on the table or licking the television screen. Sadly, as we can see each and every day in our ordinary lives, out and about in public, there's a plethora (thanks, Word of the Day Calendar!) of dumbasses, especially in the workplace. Why, that even extends to job interviews! Remember that jerk who put you through your last job interview by making you talk about your biggest fault? And you said "Well, I sleep during the day and I like to steal office supplies," and suddenly you're not in the running anymore. Whatever happened to honesty is the best policy?!?. (PS: Don't steal office supplies.)

Now, one of the places where you'd think people wouldn't be dumbasses is the Marvel Universe, right? After all, this is the universe that gave us the Superhuman Registration Act and prejudice against mutants and the Sons of the Serpent and...wait, on the other hand, one of the places you'd think people would be total dumbasses is the Marvel Universe. And you'd be right. Because even in regular ordinary everyday job interviews, big bullies (in the worst sense of the word) pick on perfectly respectable job applicants, taunting them like that guy who kicks sand in the face of Mac at the beach. Sure, this red-shirted guy has big muscles and big eyebrows, but does he have a big brain? A: He does not.


Panels from Avengers #23 (December 1965), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Don Heck, inks by John Romita, letters by Artie Simek

See, when you have a job interview that goes badly thanks to a dumbass interviewer, take a cue from Blondie here...sock the jerk in the glass jaw with a solid WONK! (That tactic is in all the good job interview books...go ahead, look it up! I dare ya!



And that, dear friends, is how Steve "Chuckles" Rogers started off his new career of punching people out in the countryside, working for a carnival showman straight out of the 1890s. Sadly Steve's new position would quickly evaporate, so fast that he didn't even have a chance to fill out his W-4 form and get his photo taken for his business cards and company ID, because just like he always does...dumbass that he is...

Kang attacks!

Yep. That'll happen!

So, to repeat: don't be a dumbass. Don't try to be all high and mighty making fun of a prospective job applicant, and don't bend all of space-time in a galactic quest to resurrect your high school girlfriend who wiped out on Dead Man's Curve on prom night. Don't be that guy.

Dumbass Things You Shouldn't Do in the Marvel Universe, Number 3

Here's a fair warning to those ordinary civilians of the Marvel Universe. Sure, Spidey's a friendly guy who'll wave at you as he swings over Manhattan, and Captain America will stop and shake your hand and remind you that folks like you are the real hero. Even The Thing will shoot back a gruff but charmingly witty rejoinder if you remind him about that time Terrax punched him through the Chrysler Building.

But never, ever, even dare to tell Namor the Sub-Mariner no shirt, no service...

All comics panels in this post are from Namor, The Sub-Mariner #3 (June 1990), script and pencils by John Byrne, inks by Bob Wiacek, colors by Glynis Oliver, letters by Ken Lopez

Because he'll give you the Atlantean Withering Gaze of Utter Disdain™.


So, remember. Don't do that thing.

And say hey, true bullievers, what magazine is that nurse reading anyway? Could it be the hot-off-the-newsstand latest issue of J. Jonah Jameson's Now (cover story: 'Spider-Man, His Makeup and Hairdo Tips: Are They Threat or Menace?")? Well, whatever the magazine is, let's take a little closer gander at its pages:


Hmmm, just who are those two guys spotlighted in the mag? Sadly, we never find out, as the Marvel Implosion of 1990 cancelled the debut issue Wisecracking Sassy Nurse #1 before it even came off the presses. (And she was dressing down Wolverine for eating a ham without a fork and knife in the first issue, too!) So, in the words of that Tootsie Pop narrator, "the world may never know."

But here's my guess...could it be...Namor inker Bob Wiacek and writer/penciller John Byrne (seen here in photos from the ComicVine.com entries on Wiacek and Byrne?:


Honestly, that's just a guess. I really don't know. And short of venturing into the wild, untamed territory of the Byrne Robotics Forum and posing a question for "JB" (remember, it's rude to answer the question before Mister B. gets a chance to!), I'm probably not gonna know.

But I like to think that in a word where Norse gods walk the earth and intelligent robots get to marry hot Balkan chicks who later go nutzoid and remake the world in the image of an issue of What If?, that maybe there are magazines that celebrate that cadre of creators at Marvels Comics who portray our amazing, uncanny, incredible, invincible, and fantastic heroes.

All the same, if Byrne and Wiacek walk into her hospital, they darn well better be wearing shirts.

Dumbass Things You Shouldn't Do in the Marvel Universe, Number 140

In between exclamations of "Goddess!" and "By the bright lady!" and "Wolverine, get out of my underwear drawer!" Ororo Munroe has been heard to gossip to her closest friends that she don't want no scrub. A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from her, hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride, trying to holler at her. So before asking Ms. Munroe out on a date, it helps to know her likes and dislikes. Her turn-ons include walking or flying in the rain, Japanese thrillseekers, Modesty Blaise novels, mentoring teenage girls and African kings. Turn-offs include telephone booths, elevators, storage lockers, small caves and hall cupboards. But a kind word, a friendly smile, and a knowledge of what cable station you can find the Weather Channel on can go a long way towards charming her. On the other hand, never, never try to pick up the future Mrs. Black Panther like this:




Panels from [Uncanny] X-Men #140, written by Chris Claremont, art by John Byrne and Terry Austin, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Tom Orzechowski

That's right, Jimmie "J.J." Walker. I don't think you're ready for this jelly.