How Do You Solve a Problem Like Bruce Banner?

The Hulk is on the loose! (And I think we all know how painful that can be!) It's the early days of the Marvel Universe, before Civil War, before Wolverine, even before Gwen Stacy. And, without the delightful Gwendy, it's a cold, cold world we peer into, when General "Thunderbolt" "Yes, That Was Totally My High School Football Nickname, No, Don't Look It Up in the Yearbook" Ross drops into the Baxter Building to buy some postcards of the Negative Zone ("We're Positive You'll Have a Great Time in the Negative Zone!") and to consult with the Fantastic Four. What's he there to confer about? Well, it seems like the Hulk is on the loose!...oh wait, that's where I came in.

Since no one had a copy of The Official Handbook to the Marvel Universe in those days, this is the era before the world knew that "Bruce Banner is the Hulk!" So, when there's smash-and-crash sabotage afoot at missile bases in the Southwest, General Ross immediately suspects the Hulk. He then went on to accuse the Hulk of the Kennedy Assassination, the Great Train Robbery, and the Humungous Smashing Epidemic during Rick Jones's 1965 comeback tour. Ross enlists the FF in his plan to stop the sabotaging Hulk, and each member of that cosmic-powered cwartet steps forward in turn to boast how he will stop the Emerald Eviscerator dead in his green gumboots.

The Thing prefers his usual physical approach. Remember, kids: Ben will, Ben will, rock you!:

All panels from Fantastic Four #12 (March 1963), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, letters by Artie Simek, colors probably by Stan Goldberg


Johnny Storm, an avid subscriber to Games magazine, plans to trap the Jade Jumbo in a burning maze of fire. Hey, that was my favorite Johnny Cash song!



Even Mr. Fantastic isn't immune to bragging that he can get the Viridian Vindicator under wraps. Whoa, bad touch, Reed! Bad touch!



And what of the fourth member of our Fearless Foursome, The Invisible Girl? How will she stop the...um, Spinach-Colored Smasher? Well, everyone pretty much agrees she'd be better off standing on the sideline and making sandwiches.



So, when the saboteur turns out not to be the Hulk but rather a Dirty Red Commie Spy (by kind permission of Iron Man comics magazine)...



...guess which one of the FF saves the day? That's right, bub, it's Sue "I'm As Good As Lincoln's Mother Anyday" Storm:



And guess who gets the credit for the capture? That's right: not Sue.



Special bonus fantastic stuff!: Say, how do the FF know that Voyager-Doctor lookalike Karl Kort is the bad guy framing the Hulk for a crime he didn't commit? Flash back a few pages where Kort makes a hasty exit and drops his wallet, which The Human Torch picks up with a flaming lasso. What, young man, are your arms broken? Lazy teens these days:



What terrible and evil secret can be found in Karl Kort's wallet that incriminates him as the dastardly deed-doer? A stack of dirty commie rubles used to pay for the operation? Folded notes and plans outlining the terrible terrorist attacks? His driver's license showing that his middle initial is "K"? No. It's because he left his Communist Party registration card in his wallet.



Communism: it didn't fall because of corruption in the Red Party, or because of the superior political skills of Ronald Reagan. It simply crumbled because the commies were complete dumbasses.