Who's that girl, who's that girl? It's Jess!

Welcome to another exciting installment of Who's That Girl? It's Jess! (I'm determined to get this feature in at least once every three years.) It's the fun-filled, spider-flavored focus that spotlights the romantic life and dating mishaps of our very own seventies diva Miss Jessica Drew! (I bet she looks good on the dance floor.) So let's join her on another typical romantic date with...I dunno, some guy, s'posed to be good for you.


Panels from Spider-Woman #8 (November 1978), script by Marv Wolfman, pencils by Carmine Infantino, inks by Al Gordon, colors by Francoise Mouly, letters by John Costanza
Judging from the way Jerry — oh, that's his name! — meanders in his "let's make out" speech, you would be mistaken in guessing this is one of the issues of Spider-Woman written by Chris Claremont. But it's Marv Wolfman! Instead, just picture these words are spoken by Terry Long. And we can at last see what relation Spider-Woman has to the original-recipe Spider-Man: it's not her powers or her mask or even her name; it's her inability to get through a date without having to duck out to fight or save somebody! Next time, Jess, date somebody whose hair isn't going grey, and who buys you cotton candy that isn't half-melted already!


Turns out the guy she saves from killing himself is from the Bicentennial. Geez, Marvel, it was two years ago, give it a rest, already! You've already proven that your Bicentennial Super Special Treasury was better than DC's. Also: way to suddenly try to date an even older guy, Jess.


Bicentennial Boy Samuel Davis is cursed by a witch (hey, why didn't they burn her?) to live forever. Holy Hob Gadling, Batman! Or, that is, live forever until he finds someone so in love with him she'll be willing to die with him. (Typical cisminded 18th century witch, assuming that Sam Davis is heterosexual, huh?) So, of course, Spider-Woman will be perfect to die along with him. HEY WAIT WHAT


Then suddenly, the greatest date interruption of them all: bear attack!


WAIT where was this amusement park or fun fair that is so close to bears, huh? That's mighty poor planning on behalf of the park operators. "Should we build it by the wild bear habitats?" "Eh, couldn't hurt."


As the signs say, bear left. Then Jessica Drew agrees to die along with Revolutionary War Dude and pushes him off a cliff. Then, she flies off, leaving him to be impaled on the conveniently sharp rocks below (seriously, where is this amusement park? Barsoom?). Nice brush-off, Jess. You coulda just given him a fake phone number. This guy will never ask her for a date or a death-pact again!


THIS WAS ONE OF JESSICA DREW'S BEST DATES EVER.

Who's that girl, who's that girl? It's Jess!

Sometimes comics focus too much on the hitting and the fighting and the kicking with the feet and the don't punch me in the face, oh missus lady person! So let's begin a new feature that focuses strictly o n the pretty-much civilian social life one of of your and my favorite heroines! Yes, it's time for some perfectly ordinary scenes of Spider-Woman Jessica Drew having a perfectly ordinary romantic life with perfectly ordinary consequences! And as befits her position as Marvel's swingin'-est gal of the High-Flying Seventies, Jessica ain't at no party...she's at a disco!


from Spider-Woman (1978 series) #17 (August 1979), script by Mark Gruenwald, plot assist by Josh Wilburn, pencils by Carmine Infantino, inks by Mike Esposito, colors by Ben Sean, letters by Diana Albers, hairstyle by Clea of the Dark Dimension
Say, why so blue, Jess? Honestly, don't worry...people won't laugh at you when you order a sloe gin fizz, and even if it makes you hallucinate the floating head of Tony Stark and other eligible bachelors of the Marvel Universe. (Whoa, heckuva birthmark on that one guy's face.) Why, here comes one now! I'm pretty sure he's a roguish extra left over from one of Infantino's Star Wars stories, but that's okay: he goes right with Jessica's Shi'ar-styled haircut! So boogie down, Spider-Woman! (What is wrong with me?)


But what's this? (I just can't stop impersonating WIlliam Dozier!) Spider-Woman shimmying seductively on the samba stand? But that can't be, because I'm Spider-Woman. I mean, she's Spider-Woman! Gosh, can't Jess just have a night off from belly-aching mysteries?


Let's flash back for a moment and check out the aptly named Fluffy McRedHead who has stolen Jessica's purse! The hussy!** Despite apparently having cross eyes (and hey, who wouldn't with that haircut!), she sees the perfect opportunity to turn the head of her love interest Tony Mercury. Well, at least she has a chance. After all, it's not Freddie Mercury.


Luckily, Jess lunges right into the frame, Kirby-style, in time to see Faux-sica boogie on down out on the balcony and onto a pink thing that does not like being stepped on. Pepto-Bismol? Pink lemonade? Some discarded cotton candy? The liqufied remains of Elvis's Cadillac? The Psychedelic Furs's greatest hit?*** Alecia Moore?


Later, Jessica strips the costume off her and leaves her in her undies at the bottom of a cliff. So far this is running about the same course as most of her dates.


Well, that's done with! Time now for some parkin' and smoochin'****. Look out, Eric! Don't gouge your eye on Jessica's sharp, sharp hair spikes!


Then, just like any other ordinary date, her guy starts melting.


THIS WAS ONE OF JESSICA DREW'S BEST DATES EVER.

*She is not actually named that.
**Da da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da da...DO THE HUSSY! Da da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da da...
***Okay, "The Ghost in You" is pretty great, too.
****I only understand this concept theoretically, but my extensive research has shown me this is what does happen there.