Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Who's that girl, who's that girl? It's Jess!

Sometimes comics focus too much on the hitting and the fighting and the kicking with the feet and the don't punch me in the face, oh missus lady person! So let's begin a new feature that focuses strictly o n the pretty-much civilian social life one of of your and my favorite heroines! Yes, it's time for some perfectly ordinary scenes of Spider-Woman Jessica Drew having a perfectly ordinary romantic life with perfectly ordinary consequences! And as befits her position as Marvel's swingin'-est gal of the High-Flying Seventies, Jessica ain't at no party...she's at a disco!


Panel from Spider-Woman v.1 #17 (August 1979), script by Mark Gruenwald, plot assist by Josh Wilburn, pencils by Carmine Infantino, inks by Mike Esposito, colors by Ben Sean, letters by Diana Albers, hairstyle by Clea of the Dark Dimension

Say, why so blue, Jess? Honestly, don't worry...people won't laugh at you when you order a sloe gin fizz, and even if it makes you hallucinate the floating head of Tony Stark and other eligible bachelors of the Marvel Universe. (Whoa, heckuva birthmark on that one guy's face.) Why, here comes one now! I'm pretty sure he's a roguish extra left over from one of Infantino's Star Wars stories, but that's okay: he goes right with Jessica's Shi'ar-styled haircut! So boogie down, Spider-Woman! (What is wrong with me?)


But what's this? (I just can't stop impersonating WIlliam Dozier!) Spider-Woman shimmying seductively on the samba stand? But that can't be, because I'm Spider-Woman. I mean, she's Spider-Woman! Gosh, can't Jess just have a night off from belly-aching mysteries?


Let's flash back for a moment and check out the aptly named Fluffy McRedHead* who has stolen Jessica's purse! The hussy!** Despite apparently having cross eyes (and hey, who wouldn't with that haircut!), she sees the perfect opportunity to turn the head of her love interest Tony Mercury. Well, at least she has a chance. After all, it's not Freddie Mercury.


Luckily, Jess lunges right into the frame, Kirby-style, in time to see Faux-sica boogie on down out on the balcony and onto a pink thing that does not like being stepped on. Pepto-Bismol? Pink lemonade? Some discarded cotton candy? The liqufied remains of Elvis's Cadillac? The Psychedelic Furs's greatest hit?*** Alecia Moore?


Later, Jessica strips the costume off her and leaves her in her undies at the bottom of a cliff. So far this is running about the same course as most of her dates.


Well, that's done with! Time now for some parkin' and smoochin'****. Look out, Eric! Don't gouge your eye on Jessica's sharp, sharp hair spikes!


Then, just like any other ordinary date, her guy starts melting.


THIS WAS ONE OF JESSICA DREW'S BEST DATES EVER.

*She is not actually named that.
**Da da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da da...DO THE HUSSY! Da da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da da...
***Okay, "The Ghost in You" is pretty great, too.
****I only understand this concept theoretically, but my extensive research has shown me this is what does happen there.


2 comments:

Blam said...


I just can't stop impersonating WIlliam Dozier

Don't you mean Desmond Doomsday? ; ^)

There's just so much that's awesomely ridiculous about this — Jessica's thought balloons in that first panel and your remark(s) on her hairstyle, especially.

Great stuff, Bully!

SallyP said...

This guy really can't handle rejection!