365 Days of Defiance, Day 129: Please try to guess the startling identities of our amazing guest stars...oh, it's Namor and Sue.

It's the third issue of Alpha Flight! So naturally, the heroes to stand firm against the devilish deeds (done masterly) of The Master of the World is...Alpha Flight Sub-Mariner and Invisible Woman WHAT?!?



Panels from Alpha Flight (1983 series) #3 (October 1983); script, pencils, and inks by John Byrne; colors by Andy Yanchus; letters by Tom Orzechowski

Oh man, John Byrne forgot which comic he was writing. Again.

365 Days of Defiance, Day 33: Don't be a Logan, be a Sue Storm

Panels from [Uncanny] X-Men Annual #5 (1981), script by Chris Claremont, pencils by Brent Anderson, inks by Bob McLeod, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Tom Orzechowski

365 Days of Defiance, Day 19: Last Line of Defense

One of my very favorite interpretations of Ben Grimm. He will never, never, ever give up.



Panels from Startling Stories: The Thing one-shot (October 2003), script by Ron Zimmerman, pencils by Don Kramer, inks by Scott Hanna and Sandu Florea, colors by Studio F, letters by Dave Sharpe
Note the dialogue reference to the classic Fantastic Four #40!

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 288: I'm snapping off the lamppost at the corner of the street / In case a certain little lady comes by

Panels from "J. Jonah Jameson" in Civil War II: Choosing Sides #3 (September 2016), script by Derek Landy, pencils and inks by Filipe Andrade, colors by Miroslav Mrva, letters by Clayton Cowles
Never any reason to snap a lamppost? Aw, man, is Ben Grimm gonna be disappointed.


Panels from "J. Jonah Jameson" in Fantastic Four (1961 series) #18 (November 1962), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, letters by Artie Simek

A Month of... Pancakes! Day 7: Doctor Doom is part of your complete breakfast

Panels from "Ladies Who Brunch" in Marvel: Now What?! one-shot (December 2013); script by Sara Benincasa and John DeVore, pencils and inks by Tana Del Rio, colors by Andrew Dalhouse, letters by Clayton Cowles
Ah yes, a nice little calming tale that features no more excitement than the She-Hulk eating pancakes. That's quyite a relief from the oh-so-usual comic book that pits hero against villain and turns into a big punchfest. Thank you, Marvel, for giving us this change-of-pace story with a gentle, quiet look at superheroes and


OH FOR PETE'S SAKE DOCTOR DOOM

365 Days of KirbyTech, Day 92: The Fantastic Four's Washing Machine

Panel from Fantastic Four (1998 series) #61/490 (November 2002), script by Mark Waid, pencils by Mike Wieringo, inks by Karl Kesel, colors by Paul Mounts, letters by Richard Starkings and Albert Deschesne
Say, I wonder what brand of detergent Sue uses to keep those whites whiter than white blues bluer than blue?

Comics News for March 12, 2014

Top: from "The Battle of New Britannia!" in Astonishing Tales #8 (October 1971), script by Roy Thomas and Gary Friedrich,
pencils by Herb Trimpe, inks by Tom Sutton, letters by Artie Simek
Middle: from Fantastic Four #42 (September 1965), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby,
inks by Vince Colletta, letters by Sam Rosen
Bottom: from Invaders #40 (May 1979), plot by Roy Thomas, script by Don Glut, breakdowns by Alan Kupperberg, finishes by Chic Stone, colors by Carl Gafford, letters by Tom Orzechowski

Countdown to Infinite Weddings, Day 0: Oh, Fantastic Day

The Wedding of Susan Storm and Reed Richards!

from Fantastic Four: The Wedding Special (Marvel, January 2006), script by Karl Kesel; pencils by Drew Johnson; inks by Karl Kesel, Drew Geraci, and Drew Hennessy; colors by Morry Hollowell, letters by Dave Lanphear
(Click the picture to big-love-size)


from Fantastic Four Annual (1963 series) #3 (Marvel, 1965), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Vince Colletta, letters by Artie Simek

Say, who are those two party crashers outside giving the boys a hard time? Find out tomorrow!

365 Days with Sue Storm, Day 4

Panel from Fantastic Four #21 (December 1963), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by George Roussos Sinnott, letters by Artie Simek

365 Days with Sue Storm, Day 3

Panel from Fantastic Four Annual #6 (November 1968), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Joe Sinnott, letters by Sam Rosen

365 Days with Sue Storm, Day 2

Panel from Fantastic Four #13 (April 1963), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Steve Ditko, letters by Artie Simek

365 Days with Sue Storm, Day 1

I'm so eager to start my new year-long series, I'm beginning it a week early! So sit back and enjoy the first installment of...

365 Days with Sue Storm!

First up:
Panel from Fantastic Four #21 (December 1963), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by George Roussos, letters by Sam Rosen

Aw geez, Johnny, no, not again!: More of the Inappropriate Loves of Jonathan Spencer Storm

Johnny Storm. The Human Torch. One of the Fantastic Four. At the heart of it, a nice guy who tries to do the right thing. Except...well, how can I put this diplomatically...Johnny isn't the sharpest knife at the end of Wolverine's fist. He is, in fact, as dumb as a bag of HAMMER agents. He's not the brightest guy who ever set himself on fire, now, is he? Sure, we all love the light-up lug, but again and again he proves that the boy ain't right. You may remember his unfortunate obsession with Alicia Masters, who looked, in fact just like...ah, now you remember?...just like his sister Sue. No, Johnny, no! Geez, Johnny, stop that!



Geez, Johnny! Okay, yeah, but that's in comic book...we all know those things rot your mind. To take our minds off Johnny Storm and his CRUSH ON A GIRL WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS SISTER let's turn to the world of literature and pick up a good book to read. Ah, this looks like an entertaining tome over here on the right: Peter David's What Lies Between...and what luck, it just happens to be about the Fantastic Four as well! Fine literature and comic book superheroes...two great tastes that go great together.

Hmmm...uh huh...mmmm, not bad...mmmm...hmmm...uh huh...hmmwha...

What the Sam Scratch?!?:



Now, I'm guessing Johnny doesn't the swiftly-cancelled Marvel UK comic book character Hell's Dark Angel but this swiftly-cancelled Fox sci-fi syfy TV show:



Okay, let's back up a minute here, Johnny. Now let's just get this straight, okay? You think this girl is hot...



Um, let me put it like this, Johnny. What do you think your sister Sue would have to say about that?



Okay then, what if we got your sister and this actress together in the same place so you could hang out with them together?



What do you think about that, Johnny?



Ummm...okay. So let me just double check on this, Johnny, 'kay? Girl of your dreams...



...hangin' out with you and then meets your sister?



Any reaction to that, Johnny? Make you think, or...



So, just DOUBLE-checking here, Johnny...



Nothin', huh? No reaction? Anybody home? Aw, c'mon Johnny, geez, take a look at YOUR DREAM GIRL:



...and YOUR FREAKIN' SISTER:



Say Johnny, why don't you stand here and look at this hot girl AND your sister for a while and chew some Doublemint Gum, huh?!?



ANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT AT ALL, JOHNNY?!?



Aw, fer cryin' out...geez, Johnny, no no no NO!!!

Sigh. Eh, let's skip ahead in the book and see if there's any good bits about Ben Grimm.



Yeah, well, Ben, ain't it true? Everybody can't be Michael Chiklis, now, can they?

365 Days with Ben Grimm, Day 289

Panels from Fantastic Four: ¡Isla de la Muerte! one-shot (February 2008), written by Tom Beland, art by Juan Doe, letters by Dave Lanphear
(Click picture to you've-got-a-friend-size)

365 Days with Ben Grimm: Day 82

Panels from Marvel Monsters: Fin Fang 4 one-shot (December 2005), co-written by Scott Gray, co-written, pencilled, and inked by Roger Langridge, colored by James Brown, lettered by David Lanphear

Carry On My Wayward Bags

Hullo folks hullo! Wish me a safe and happy trip, 'coz I'm off on a jet plane for sunny, funny Los Angeles, home of movie stars, hardboiled detectives, Disneyland, and that restaurant where Lindsay Lohan threw up. But I'm not there to sit at a soda fountain and be discovered and put in a series of entertaining yet timeless moviola adventures. Oh, no no no no. (Well, maybe.) I'm heading out to attend the 2008 BookExpo America (BEA), the publishing industry's annual trade show, exhibition, and place to pick up shopping bags full of free book galleys. If you're gonna be at BEA this weekend, stop by the W. W. Norton booth (booth #1320), ask for my pal John (the big guy with a snazzy tie), and shake my hoof...I'll be delighted to meet you!

But today is a traveling day, so I've packed my little bags and I'm hopping into the car service towncar to head for the airport. I note that my carrier American Airlines will be charging $15 for checking a second bag. Wha—?!? Why, I'm only a little stuffed bull on a budget...I can't afford to spare fifteen bucks! That's a whole one and a half Indiana Jones movies, or five Jeff Parker comics!

Now, that Susan Storm Richards, she's pretty smart: she knows the way to get bags on board without anybody noticing:

Panel from Fantastic Four #227, written by Doug Moench, art by Bill Sienkiewicz and Bruce Patterson, coloring by George Roussos, lettering by Jim Novak

Reed spots her deception immediately because she's "walking funny," and that means they'll definitely be dipping into Willie Lumpkin's Christmas tip money to pay for those to be checked. Still, like her famous hothead brother, sometimes Sue is as dumb as a bag fulla hammers. Because, you know, it's not like she could have used a force field or anything to carry them on.

Anyway, as I always say: "Travel light, and buy snacks at the airport." See ya in Los Angeles!

Johnny Storm is a Dumbass, Exhibit A

To paraphrase Pseudolus: "Wodehouse tomorrow, Johnny Storm tonight!"

Okay, let's do a little roleplaying here, shall we? Get yourself for a moment in the head of Mister Johnny Storm, a.k.a. The Human Torch, won't you? Okay, you set? All comfy in there? Wait...stop thinking about Angelina Jolie...okay, shove Beyoncé over to the side of your mind...okay, now clear your head of this and this...you all set?

Okay, you're Johnny Storm. First, step away from the drapes. Next...imagine that you're alone in the Baxter Building when suddenly...Dr. Doom attacks! Awwww, he's always doin' that. And he's brought some kind of sophisticated battle robot that's just meant for clobberin' time, but which is impervious to flame. Now, think about this: in the middle of the pitched battle, you've got a moment to leave a warning message for the rest of the FF, or perhaps your beloved sister. You're gonna be quick and succinct, right? A few fast words to outline the situation, huh? What would you write? What would you write?

Well, maybe you could write "DOOM & ROBOT ATTACKED" or "FIGHTING DOOM + ROBOT" or even "BEWARE DOOM." Something fast. Something quick. Something that'll let your teammates know the terrors facing them without taking too much time about it, right? You'd think you'd write four, maybe five words, huh?

Panel from Fantastic Four #34, written by Stan Lee, art by Jack Kirby and Chic Stone, lettering by Artie Simek

I mean...at least...at least abbreviate it as "Dr.".

To sum up: Johnny Storm: dumbass.

Friday Night Fights: Girl Fight Tonight!

All panels are from Fantastic Four #332 (November 1989), written by "John Harkness" (Steve Englehart); art by RIch Buckler, Romeo Tanghal, and George Roussos; letters by Bill Oakley

Girl fight tonight!
Girl fight tonight!



Look, there she is
I'm going to kick her blonde butt
Hey girl, I wanna talk to you



I've seen the way that you check him out
When you think I'm not around
Mentally undressin' him
Whoa-oh, tryin' to shut me down



Well, you know last night he told me
All those nasty things that you said
You asked him if he gets lonely
Now you're asking to be dead!



Girl fight tonight!
Shoo-be-do-bop and a shoo-bop-a run away
Revenge is gonna be so sweet



Girl fight tonight!
Shoo-be-do-bop and a shoo-bop-a run away
Your lips are gonna kiss the street



You only want him 'cause I want him
Back off, girl, or else
Girl fight tonight!



I hate the way that your sweater fits (tight)
I hate your baby talk
I can read your dirty mind
I watch you watch him walk



When you told him he looked like Rob Lowe
Well, that was the last straw
So now I have to tell him
That you wear a padded bra!



Girl fight tonight!
Shoo-be-do-bop and a shoo-bop-a run away
Ooh, we're gonna have some fun



Girl fight tonight!
Shoo-be-do-bop and a shoo-bop-a run away
Blood and mascara will run



We'll see how long your tan lines last
When you're in a body cast
Girl fight tonight!



All in love is fair
She'll rip out your hair
Now I'm declaring war
You know she's killed before
'Cause I'm a lover and a fighter...bitch!



Shoo-be-do-bop and a shoo-bop-a run away
Revenge is gonna taste so sweet
Girl fight tonight!
Shoo-be-do-bop and a shoo-bop-a run away
Your lips are gonna kiss the street



You only want him 'cause I want him
Back off, girl, or else
Girl fight tonight!



Then, Franklin runs away crying to Reed, who rushes in and breaks up the big bad catfight. No kiddin'.

Oh, and did you notice the sound effect in the panel where Crystal came back in the window?


Best...sound effect...ever.


Now fire this up and read it again!:


"Girl Fight Tonight!" by Julie Brown (1987)

(Bahlactus would never hit a girl.)