365 Days of Defiance, Day 92: One! Two! Three! Four! What are we fighting for!

Oh no! The Fantastic Four have been captured! And Stan 'n' Jack take maybe a little too much pleasure in imagining their terrible fates!


Panels from Fantastic Four (1961 series) #16 (July 1963), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
Are they gonna give up? Heck no!


And they do it like this:

Countdown to Halloween: Jack Kirby's Monsters! Night Eight: The Beetle Who Said He Was Bigger Than Jesus*

Hey hey we're the Beetles
And people say we beetle around

Whoops, wrong pop group.


Cover of Tales to Astonish #39 (January 1963), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
For all the Fin Fang Fooms and Xemnus and Rombii that manage to survive the Monster Age and move into the Marvel Age, brushing shoulders with Thor, Wolverine, and Chipmunk Hunk, there's dozens of monsters who just couldn't cut the mustard to make it into the big 616. Alas, poor Lt. Broccoli, Roller Ghoster, and Ting Tong. You just weren't good enough to eventually face off against the Hulk, the She-Hulk, or Teen Hulk.

And then there's this schlemiel.


Splash page from "The Vengeance of the Scarlet Beetle!" in Tales to Astonish #39 (January 1963), plot by Stan Lee, script by Larry Lieber, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
Ant-Man! The hero so important Stan Lee passed him off to his brother to write. Ant-Man! The only one of the monster mags-turned-superhero anthology headliners who didn't get his own series in the late sixties. Ant-Man! He has the powers of the ants! The same ants, in fact, who alert him to danger when they're not busy appearing in Raid commercials. Dangers like...this! Yep, Batman had a Bat-Signal. Ant-Man has bugs.


This scarlet beetle is aptly named The Crimson Cootie! Naw, I'm just kiddin' ya. He's called the Scarlet Beetle. And since his plans were so contingent upon growing to enormous size using Ant-Man's patented Pym Particle gas, it's a pretty good thing Ant-Man is the one who stumbled across the Scarlet Beetle in the first place. Good thing he didn't run into, say, Giant Man first. Oh wait, that would have worked too. Okay, good thing he wasn't facing the Wasp. Darn it! I guess the S.B. woulda gotten big any way.


And so the Scarlet Beetle unleashes his inhuman (well, literally) army upon the word! Termites tear down the telecommunications systems! World leaders are poisoned by itsy-bitsy spiders! And…uh…bugs carry away crates of dynamite right behind the back of Beetle Bailey. And with that name, he's the one G.I. who might have been sympathetic to their cause! Also: the Scarlet Beetle breaks into your local newscast.


I'd like to think, however, that in the Marvel Universe, they're always prepared for just such a television station interruption.


Natch, the ants remain faithful and obedient to their human master, the Ant-Man! (Which is kind of creepy on the natural scale if you think about it.) He orders them to fetch DDT to use against the Scarlet Beetle's men insects. Whoa, Hank, that's hardcore. I kind of thought there were some sort of Geneva Antvention rules about the use of a chemical weapon so deadly it will wipe out both sides. Eh, what does he care? He's Ant-Man!


An Ant-Man story that has a climatic battle among giant-sized toys? That'll never be realistic! Incidentally, I like how the Scarlet Beetle has put Hank Pym's belt around himself. Why does a beetle wear a belt? To hold up his ants.


Around about this time Captain America or Iron Man or Daredevil would have been dragging this insect irritant down to the police station, or, failing that, put them up for the weekend in the local Roach-tel California. ("Bugs check in, but they can never leave.) What does Ant-Man do? He puts the Beetle in a balloon. Y'know, just for fun I like to imagine that it's Michael Douglas doing all this crazy stuff. Hey, two-time Academy Award-winner Michael Douglas...put a big beetle inside a balloon! Haw!


And then he just lets him go. Good work, Dr. Pym. No wonder the last two frames are about how the public thinks you're completely useless.

The Scarlet Beetle next appears in 1972's Iron Man #44, but thanks to the magic of chronological ret-continuity implant, his next historical appearance in the Marvel Universe is in 1996's Untold Tales of Spider-Man, where a freshly-bitten Peter Parker squares off against our favorite red roach. Thanks, Kurt Busiek, for helping us laugh at Scarlet Beetle, again!





Panels from Untold Tales of Spider-Man #12 (August 1996), script by Kurt Busiek, pencils by Pat Olliffe, inks by Al Vey and Pam Eklund, colors by Steve Mattsson, letters by Richard Starkings
Now, a quick jump back to '72, where the Scarlet Beetle returns, feistier than ever, once again setting the insect world against the human world. Also, apparently, he's a mutant. Ah, that finally explains all the issues of Wolverine and the X-Men where Scarlet Beetle is hanging around in the back of the classroom scribbling "S.B.+O.M." in his Mead® Square Deal® Black Marble Composition Book. Sadly, all of the other mutants used to laugh and call him names.


Panels from "Armageddon On Avenue A" in Iron Man #44 (January 1972), script by Roy Thomas, pencils by Ross Andru, inks by Mike Esposito, letters by Jean Izzo
Wow, if that guy thinks this is the end of the world, wait until Earth-1610 crashes into the planet. Kinda puts a few bugs into perspective, doesn't it? And proving you can't teach an old bug new tricks, Scarlet here tries to take over the world using the exact same trick he used in his first appearance: stealing the Pym gas. I like to think that he actually just missed the dramatic look and stylish lines of that snazzy belt, though.


Scarlet Beetle is defeated the way all good insect villains usually go out: trodden under the sole of the shoe of a guy who was trying to burn down his own business for the insurance money. Man, what a cliche! If we've seen that story ending once we've seen it a milltimes!


So there ya go. the Scarlet Beetle: dead. Until he wasn't anymore. (gestures dramatically) Comics!


Panels from West Coast Avengers #34 (July 1988), script by Steve Englehart, layouts by Al Milgrom, finishes by Mike Machlan, colors by Paul Becton, letters by Janice Chiang
And did I mention this time there's a whole hive of Scarlet Beetles, and they're working for a Communist dictator? Because that's what you do when you seize ultimate and total control of a country: bring in the giant red bugs. Incidentally, if you ever wondered what Vision's weakness is, it appears to be fighting insects. Ah, that explains all the times that Scarlet Witch would tie him down to the ground and pour honey all over his body! Um, I think. Possibly not.


Oh, wait. He can just use his super-forehead power beam on them. So, pretty much like every other enemy Vision fights, huh? He renders them irrelevant! Also: dead.


But, as the career of Ringo has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep a good beetle down. When he next returns, it's to beetle-devil the new Ant-Man, Scott Lang, by forming a super-villain team of his own, starring Bug-Punisher! Insectiron Man! Wolveroach! (©1981 Dave Sim) And many other Steve Ditko-pencilled background figures. Meet the all-new, all-different Mighty Antvengers! Unless this splash panel is some kind of crazy nightmare. Which, in fact, it is. The events in this panel do not occur in this comic book, folks!


Splash page from "Amazing Fantasy" in Amazing Spider-Man Annual #24 (1990), script by Tony Isabella, pencils and inks by Steve Ditko, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Rick Parker
Cool, it's a Kirby monster drawn by Steve Ditko! You don't get that too often. Steve's taken such care to preserve the Kirbyosity of the original appearance that he's homaged the first two panels of Kirby's story (top) in his own style (bottom).


Oh, the Beetle's back and you're gonna be in trouble / Hey-la-day-la, the Beetle's back! Incidentally, he's still claiming to be a mutant. You know, Beetly, you can insist and argue all you want that you're a mutant and it's still not gonna increase your sales. Look at what happened when Cloak and Dagger were being promoted as being mutants. Their book still got cancelled! Plus, it's an insult to all true mutants. I think what I'm saying here is be what you are, not what you aren't.




Whew! It was just a dream.

Or…was it?

Yes. It was.


So, let's see how carefully you've been paying attention. Later, when She-Hulk is attacked by giant robotic insects, who do you think is behind it?



Panels from The Sensational She-Hulk #60 (February 1994), script by Scott Benson and Len Kaminski, pencils by Pat Olliffe, inks by Steve Montano, colors by Glynis Oliver, letters by Brad Joyce
Could the villain be the Locust? Black Tarantula? The Human Fly? Could it be Swarm, the Nazi Made of Bees? Nope, sorry! Those are all terrible guesses. It's the Scarlet Beetle.


And then She-Hulk kills him by swatting him with a newspaper.


We haven't seen exoskeleton or setae or the Red Beetle since then, even though he threatened to have his own four-issue miniseries during Secret Wars entitled Scarlet Fever. But the actual only sighting, if'n you can call it that, is a transcript of his disastrous local-cable debut, interviewed by Defenders supporting cast member Dollar Bill! Warning: may read like fan fiction.


Text page from Marvel Monsters: From the Files of Ulysses Bloodstone and the Monster Hunters one-shot (November 2005)
And so, as Bob Dylan famously sang

That's the story of the Scarlet Beetle
Got pinned in a book by a collector's needle

---

*To be fair, the Scarlet Beetle only claimed he was taller than Jesus.

Today in Comics History: January 1, 2013: Happy New Year! Now, find Waldo.

from FF (2013 series) #3 (March 2013), script by Matt Fraction, pencils and inks by Michael Allred, colors by Laura Allred, letters by Clayton Cowles

Monday Night Murals: All Four One

Hey, I haven't done one of these in a while, have I? But I can't resist Mike Allred's...shall we say...fantastic portrait of the new FF across the covers of FF #2-5:

Covers of FF (2013 series) #2-5 (February-May 2013), pencils and inks by Michael Allred, colors by Laura Allred
(Click picture to Miss Thing-size)

A Merry Marvel Christmas: The Avengers

Splash page from Ant-Man's Big Christmas #1 (February 2000), script by Bob Gale, pencils by Phil Winslade, inks by Phil Winslade, background inks by Tom Palmer, Nelson DeCastro, Jimmy Palmiotti, colors by Richard Isanove, letters by Saida Temofonte

Hank Pym did a bad, bad thing

Is anybody in any doubt about where tonight's post is set?

So, cats and kittens, let's roll on through the desert and up Route 15 into fabulous Las Vegas: Sin City! Glitter Gulch! The Entertainment Capital of the World! The City of Lights! The Venice of the Desert! Franksinatraville! Gateway to Adventure! City with a Past! City with a Future! And tonight...City with Hank Pym and Janet van Dyne!


Panel from Avengers v.3 #71/486 (November 2003), script by Geoff Johns, pencils by Steve Sadowski, inks by Andrew Currie, colors by Chris Sotomayor, letters by Rus Wooten

Now, I've gotta warn ya...tonight's post may not be suitable for all audiences. (But I sure like it, you betcha!) It is, in fact, a frank and intimate examination of Hank Pym in an adult situation, using his shrinky-dink powers not for the betterment of society but for his own pleasure and benefit...why, if we can shrink down to the size of that panel above, we'll find out that even Janet van Dyne objects to Hank's anty-actions! Scandalous!



Yikes! This scene ain't fit for man (you) nor beef (me)! Why, the Shrimpy Scientist Supreme himself is bragging about what he's about to do. Won't someone think of the ant children?!?



Look away! Look away! Look away!

Eh, what the heck, let's peer in on Hank and see how he's misusing his power. Get you high-powered binoculars and take a steamy gawking gander! (Not you, sonny, this one's a little too hot for ya!) Yes, it's that incident...


Panel from Avengers v.1 #48 (January 1968), script by Roy Thomas, pencils and inks by George Tuska, letters by Artie Simek

Yes...it's the issue where Hank Pym cheats at roulette using ant ringers.

This scandalous adult situation is no doubt brought on by one of Pym's crazy schemes to rob a casino belonging to a villain. So here he is at fabulous Kingpin Kasino, putting into action part 19 of his simple, easy-to-follow, can't fail 78-stage plan. Meanwhile, Janet van Dyne distracts the Kingpin and his henchman Princepin by leaning over the table in a Balenciaga dress cut low to show off her décolletage (I wasn't allowed to look that word up, but I think it means sunglasses). And, behind the scenes, the other nine members of Pym's Eleven (Hawkeye, Quicksilver, Black Knight, Victor "The Vision" Shade, Rick Jones, Jarvis, Ant-Boy, and Larva-Girl) crack safes, shimmy down walls, drink martinis, play the piano, pose elegantly, and listen to lounge music.

Also helping Hank on his Robin Hood crime spree? Ants and plenty of 'em! But I'm guessing they don't get a cut.

I don't claim to understand Pym's elaborate plan myself, but it seems to revolve around trying to be inconspicuous in yellow and blue spandex, all while carrying roulette ball (a half-inch to five-eighths diameter, according to my Vegas bookies). Which, judging from this picture, makes Ant-Man a little over three inches high, which...sorry to say, ain't that inconspicuous.



Well, nobody ever said Henry Pym was a scientific genius.

So, there ya go...Hank Pym bein' bad. What? You thought I was talking about something else? About a different issue of the Avengers where Hank and Jan were in Vegas doing naughty, naughty things?

I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. Seriously, people, don't bring your heroes down to this level. I don't care what you think, the Avengers are a high-minded, civil bunch whose behavior is always aon the up-and-up and never suspect or morally questionable. After all, these are the Avengers we're talking about. Isn't that right, Hawkeye?

Panels from Avengers v.3 #84/499 (August 2004), script by Chuck Austen, pencils and inks by Scott Kolins, colors by Chris Sotomayor, letters by Albert Deschesne

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Oh well. Dance us off, Ann-Margrock!

The Ballad of Henry Pym

Plug-a-rama Department!: I keep meaning to hype this but hadn't yet (so sorry for the delay, guys!)

If there's one Marvel character who totally rocks and has the name Henry, it's...well, the blue furry guy. But the other one has gotta be everybody's favorite schizophrenic insect-whisperer, Hank Pym!

Here's a music video done by comedy team and my good pals the Boffo Yux Dudes (seriously, I've known these guys for so long it feels like I'm much older than six) and I was delighted and honored when they asked me to help out a little bit with a project for this years SpinTunes Super Song Fight 2010. All the talent and creation belongs to the Dudes; all I did was sit and clip pictures of Ant-Man, Giant-Man, and Yellowjacket out of my old first-printing Marvels to use in the video. (But, as we like to say around here, it was fun, and so is "The Ballad of Henry Pym"!:



You can download "The Ballad of Henry Pym" and others in the first round of the competition, as well as all the tracks (including more new BYD tunes!) in the other rounds of the SpinTunes competition. (And you can watch the upcoming rounds and vote on the SpinTunes Blogspot.)

Also, Don't miss out on some of the classic material on the BoffoYuxDudes Weblog. Here's some of my favorites:

• Johnny Quest Toothpaste
• Alfred’s Thanksgiving Turkey Tips
• Tennessee & Chumley Worship the Devil
• The Pirates Walk the Plank
• Tiny Tim Sings The Flintstones
• Mahatma Candy
• Alfred’s St. Paddy’s Day Tips
• Editorial Reply

What, more? Well, yes! You can download their classic comedy album Stays Funny​.​.​. Even in Milk! For free! Well, the price is right!

Remember, folks: four out of five dentists who use laughing gas recommend Boffo Yux Dudes for their patients who like to laugh.

What do Hank Pym and Peter Rasputin have in common?

All panels in this post are from Tales to Astonish #44 (June 1963),
script by H. E. Huntley, art by Jack Kirby and Don Heck, lettering by Artie Simek

Think about it, won't you?

What the Sam Scratch is goin' on here?!? #10

(Marvel Feature #4, July 1972)

Proving that a Hank Pym who's a bit of a jerk isn't an invention of Mark Millar, here Ant-Man attempts to give a helpless victim incurable tetanus.

And Peter Parker is Spider-Man?!?! Wow, why didn't this cover come with a spoiler warning?