Monday, March 22, 2010

Supporting Character Slamdown: And So It Begins!

Hulk vs. ThingCould The Thing take The Hulk? (Much as I'd like to disagree, he usually can't.) Can Ghost Rider beat Thor? (Why, I'd set my own head on fire to see that!) How about Ant-Man...can he defeat Giant-Man? (Now that's just plain silly.) As fanboys, fangirls, and fanbulls of the Marvelous Mighty World of Marvel, we've argued all of these bouts back and forth one bajillion times. What the heck can the Marvel Universe give us that's new? Dazzler vs. Doctor Doom? Spider-Man vs. The Juggernaut? Aunt May vs. Galactus? Hank Pym vs. Janet van Dyne?!? We've seen these all, and we know how they end. You wouldn't put your money down on any of these fights any more than you'd bet against Gene Hackman in Hoosiers. But what if...What If?™...a little stuffed bull really gave you some throw-downs to tickle your fancy. What then, huh? Huh? Huh?

Tonight begins an all-new running feature (and let's hope it doesn't run for months and months and months and months):

Supporting Character Slamdown!

Quite simply, the rules are this: there are no rules! Well, yes, there are a few. I've chosen sixty-four of the Marvel Universe's supporting characters...those guys and gals that hang around the lead hero like limpets on a cruise ship, waiting for their day in the sun, a chance subplot, or (gasp) an exciting wedding scenario! Or even, just to hog some of the spotlight for a while, a juicy death scene! And I'm going to pit them against each other, one by one, until there's only one cast member standing...winner takes all! (Which, as of this writing, is a bag of Pepperidge Farm Milano Cookies and the home version of the "Family Feud" board game. I need some better promotional considerations.)

Each Ultimate Earth-616 Fighter has been chosen to fit specific guidelines that I myself, the Little Stuffed Beyonder of this Battleworld, see fit to enforce or not as the case may be! Go ahead, argue with me in the comments...just try it...yer outta here! Aw, c'mon back, you know I wouldn't hurt a fly. Also, I'm depending on you guys for buying popcorn and Cokes. Each fighter will be a supporting character in the Marvel Universe, and more important, not a trained fighter. (So no Dum-Dum Dugans in here). With very few exceptions, nobody's going to have had their own comic book series or a special codename. We're talking boyfriends and girlfriends, dads and aunts, receptionists and bureaucrats, and maybe a supermodel or two! But no supervillains...just ordinary joes and jills beatin' the stuffin' outta each other! Now that's entertainment!

And you know what the best thing is about this all?

You choose the winner!

That's right, true bull-lievers! Each and every one reading this blog has a chance to cast their votes for who they want to win in every bout! Vote for who you think will win! Or vote for who you would like to win! Or vote for the girl with the nicest legs! I don't care! Just vote! Vote, my monkeys, vote!


Richard Rory

In the swampy corner: Richard Rory, supporting character from Man-Thing, Daredevil, Foolkiller, She-Hulk and just about everywhere else Steve Gerber had a chance to write him!

Richard Rory

His strengths: he knows how to survive in harsh environments like the Citrusville Swamp! He's faced off against supervillains like Foolkiller and lived to tell the tale! And, he's totally kissed She-Hulk! His weaknesses: A George Harrison fan, Rory will probably take the path of peace and harmony...and, since he's aware that he's in a comic book, he might refuse to play along with this very blog post! DING!

Richard Rory

Chili Storm

And, in the fashion corner: Chili Storm! Supporting player in all sixty-three different Millie the Model comic book series, Ms. Chili's role as rival model to Millie ensures that she knows how to play the game of sneakiness and subversion! (And, in a mild violation of this tournament's rules, she's had her own short-lived title, but who's gonna tell her that? In the words of Bil Keane's ghostly arch-nemesis, 'Not me!')

Chili Storm

Her willingness to fight dirty is a definite strength for this glamour girl...and who needs a weapon besides killer looks and a razor-sharp tongue that would cut adamantium? Chili's weakness? Born with no belly-button, she may be a clone or hatched from an egg. We don't know. But she's ready to fight! DING!

Chili Storm

Now here's where it gets exciting, folks: vote for your favorite!:

Fight Over

Vote before 12:01 AM, Wednesday, March 24, and remember, Bully knows when the ballot boxes have been stuffed! (Also, the manicotti, nom nom nom.) Until then, watch out for the hippie-hippie shakes and the supermodel smackdowns, and remember: may the best supporting character win this contest!

Richard Rory vs. Chili Storm


McGone said...

Chili gets my vote because I can't vote for a guy whose entire platform is "I was in a bunch of Man-Things." I mean, I'm liberal and all, but that's just not right.

Isaac said...

Yeah, I'd wish I could vote for Rory, but I have to believe that Chili fights dirty. Having hung out with some Gerber-penned heroes isn't going to save Richard Rory from a high heel to the groin.

Shelly T. Otter said...

Supporting character smackdown - THE TEMPLATE:

Just in time for the March Madness! ^_^

Anonymous said...

Hasn't Richard Rory been the third banana in a minimum of three Marvel comics? If it weren't for Rick Jones, that would make him a loser from the get go--except I know of no one clamoring for more Richard Rory appearances.

Edward Liu said...

I'm voting for Chili Storm because that sounds like a much tastier meteorological phenomenon than a Richard Rory. Mmmmm....chili.

Plus, she's a redhead which means she wins by default.