And this is another reason why nobody invites Namor to McKenzie family reunions.

Hey, let's look once more at Prince Namor, The Sub-Mariner! Or, if you're Ben Grimm, the Sub-Mareener. Regal and noble Namor is always a figure of power and authority, and even when he's losing his temper and slapping someone across the face with his prune-wrinkled fingers, he's always the very model of a modern marine gentleman. As much as the Sultan of the Seven Seas needs a continual course in anger management, there's never a moment when he acts like anything other than a perfect gentlefishman...



Eh, let's gloss right over that.

Other than that, there's nothing in his past that Namor is ashamed to talk about.

Except this:

So, down in the briny deep (arrrrrr!), it's just another normal day in Atlantis for regal Namor McKenzie, swimmin' through the ocean, scooping up the scallops, and poppin' 'em in his mouth. When suddenly! He spots a waterlogged corpse caught in the seaweed.





Yes, it's time for another exciting episode of

CSI: Atlantis!

But wait! She's alive! She's aliiiiiiive! And more important to Namor, she's hot!





Just like his own personal hero, Mitch Buchanan, the Sub-Mariner is always ready, and he will not let you out of his sight. In fact, he's gonna give an internal monologue while he carries your half-drowned bikini-clad body to the beach.





Even though you can't actually see where he's wearing it, Namor of course has his CPR badge, and he immediately begins administering the kiss of life (at least, that's what he always calls it when Reed walks in on him and Susan) to the helpless half-drowned girl. Hey, watch the tongue, Namor! This is around the moment Veronica always walks in on Archie and Betty, isn't it, now?





Whoa! Somebody's had a course in self-defense! Our bathing beauty clocks Namor with an uppercut that, if it were drawn by Gil Kane, would have knocked the Sub-Mariner's head clean into the next county, bouncing off the wall of the Target and rolling down the parking lot until it landed between a Dodge Durango and a Chrysler Town and Country minivan, looking puzzled and a bit peeved.





As a young boy, Subbie was often read by Princess Fen the fable of The Fox and the Grapes, although in Atlantis it's better known as the fable of the Shark and the Grapejellyfish. "Eh, I didn't wanna kiss her anyway," Namor justifies in his head, and we all know when he gets back to the Defenders he's totally gonna tell Hulk that he made out with her. Hulk, of course, will be completely puzzled by this and then ask Fish-Man to help him finish his jigsaw puzzle of Fred Flintstone at the drive-in movies.





Just to make sure she knows he didn't wanna kiss her crummy lips anyway, Namor keeps yelling at her as she swims back to the deck of the Minnow, or to Fantasy Island, or to that floating James Bond car, or maybe to Monster Island, or wherever she came from. He's still shouting at her a half-hour later when his only audience is a beach scavenger with a metal detector, Moondoggie getting in some late surfing, and a seagull.





Later, Namor faces off against one of his most deadly enemies, that supervillain we all love to hate, one of the most important archnemesisesesis in the Marvel Universe, the same man we've all got action figures of, the bad guy that Sir Derek Jacobi is slated to play in the Sub-Mariner motion picture...um...I think his name is "Walrus Man." And he seems to pretty cranky towards Namor because apparently his new contact lenses aren't very well fitted...





Ladies and gentlemen, check it out—it's Wendy Pini's Elfquest! Oh wait, no, actually it's Namor's cousin Namorita! (That's Atlantean for "Little Avenging Son," which coincidentally is also the name Namor has given to his...his puppy. His little sea-dog. What, what? What did you think I was goanna say?





Anyway, let us consider this: Namor was mashin' lips with his cousin. (inhale:) Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

In any case, that's why Namor was later heard to say:



All images except the first and the last one are from Sub-Mariner #50 (June 1972), script, pencils, and inks by Bill Everett, letters by John Costanza. The first panel in this post is from Fantastic Four #4 (May 1962), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Sol Brodsky. The final image is Photoshopped from a panel in Namor #20 (November 1991), script, pencils, inks and letters by John Byrne, colors by Mike Thomas