You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille

I like to consider myself a little stuffed bull who's involved in his neighborhood, so I enjoy pedalling my Big Wheel up and down the streets of Park Slope, Brooklyn, waving at everybody, stopping in at the fabulous new location of LaBagel Delight to cry "I'll have a chocolate croissant!" when one of the guys behind the counter shouts "Next!", or peering in through the window of Little Things to see what new toys have arrived, or excitedly hopping on the number 67 bus, popping my Metrocard in the slot, and journeying down to see my pals Tom and Amy at my fave comic book store, Bergen Street Comics. Hooray, always so much fun! When I'm out and about around the Slope, I even keep my eye out for the guy who rips down all the flyers that people put up on poles. He woulda had his work cut out for him this week, tho', because Park Slope's been blanketed by these flyers:



These signs are everywhere. Wow, Lucy must have really made an impression on this guy Karl. Also, he must have terrible, terrible jokes. And, he must live in the 1970s if part of his conversation includes the question "Hey Lucy, what's your sign?"

And hey, Karl, if you walked her home, why are there posters all over the Slope, and not just around the area you walked her home in?



Well, Karl, I do happen to know Lucy, and I've got both good news and bad news for you. The good news is...I happen to know Lucy. Oh wait, I've already told you that. Okay, how about the bad news? Karl, let me break it to you gently, man: you really don't want to date Lucy. She's rude, abrasive, cranky, sarcastic, selfish, hostile, and sometimes outright violent. In fact, you might even call her a fussbudget! No, take it from me, Karl...if I were you, I'd run far, far away from Lucy.


Lucy's no prize girlfriend, let me tell you that. She'll insult you at the drop of your blanket:


She'll take over your life, because she just loves meddling in your personal business:


And don't think that you can charm her over with those jokes that she didn't laugh at. Lucy is very critical of any sort of attempt to entertain her!


Why, Lucy's so spoiled that you won't impress her with an informal date at a local Park Slope eatery. She wants diamonds, pearls, black tie and grand formal dances to entertain her:


But truth to tell, she's pretty boring on a date:


Don't think she'll be pleasant and cheerful, oh no no no no. The girl does love to bellyache!


And in the end, Karl, I'm sorry to tell you...Lucy is brutally violent:


So, Karl, Karl, Karl. Take it from your friendly neighborhood little stuffed bull...run, don't walk, away from Lucy. She'll be a bad girlfriend who will take advantage of you at every moment, and what's more, she'll psychoanalyze you at every drop of a nickel. Now, I know your sad, sad story sounds like it comes straight out of a viral campaign for an online series of indie film shorts, but you and I both know the heartache of unrequited love. (Sigh). So all I can tell you is buck up there, pal...there's plenty of fish in the sea and turnips in the garden and tire change shops down on Fourth Avenue and there's a great Greek restaurant on the corner of...oh wait, where was I?

Forget about Lucy, Karl. She'll break your tender, aching heart. And besides...she's already got a boyfriend.