Tales of the Spoiler (or, Bruce Willis was a ghost!)

Greetings, humans! It is I, Ardu, second cousin to Uatu and member of The Watchers, our ancient race which observes the goings on of the universe! Each Watcher is charged with but two tasks: to observe and to never interfere.

But that's boring. Like all other Watchers, I see all! I know all! But, unlike my boring brethern, I tell all...for I am...The Spoiler!



Today, I shall spoil for you some silver age Marvel science fiction comics, "Strange Tales" where no plot is too bizarre and the strange turns that fate has in store for ordinary men shall be revealed by...The Spoiler! In other words, what Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, and Jack Kirby slaved to make surprising to you mere mortals, I shall spoil by revealing the secret O. Henry-esque twist ending of each tale, thus decreasing your surprise and shock upon reaching the conclusion of the story! Also, I have removed these comics from their hermetically sealed plastic cases, thus spoiling their future resale value. Hah! Prepare for these stories to be spoiled, humans!

The alien spaceships were actually alive!

All along, it was the car who was the killer!

All along, it was the car who saved their lives!

He was actually the descendent of...Gulliver!

Those weren't really giant frogs after all!

Those weren't alien creatures after all...those were time travellers from the future!

Those weren't alien creatures after all...those were...ah, um...transmuted humans changed into weird forms after touching the alien gold!

The man who ran to sea to escape solitary confinement...was Robinson Crusoe!

Those weren't really magic paints...he's a hypnotist!

Those really were magic paints!

So there you go, beings of Earth! Classic science fiction tales from the Marvel comic magazine you call Strange Tales rendered rather less strange by...The Spoiler! I do, in fact, think it would be more apt to call them...Spoiled Tales! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Now I, The Spoiler, must take my leave of you, and let me leave you with this story-wrecking spoiler...



So, humans, farewell from...The Spoiler!

(Also, that Planet of the Apes? It was Earth, all along.)