Top L: Apocalypse Now movie poster (1979), art by Bob Peak
Top R: Clint: The Hamster Triumphant #2 (January 1987), art by Ken Meyer Jr.
Bottom L: Incredible Hulk v. 3 #46 (December 2002), art by Kaare Andrews
Bottom R: Star Wars Tales #14 (December 2002), art by Pat Lee
(Click picture to Brando-size)
Cartoon segment ("The Faithful Wookiee") from The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978), starring the voices of Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels and James Earl Jones; animation directed by Ken Stephenson
It's Friday night...not just here on our insignificant little blue-green world, but also a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Work is done, sixteen tons of Kessel spice have been loaded, space barges and star bails have been toted and lifted...it's Space Miller Time for Han Solo and Chewbacca!
Panels from Star Wars #7 (Marvel, January 1978), written by Roy Thomas, co-plotted and penciled by Howard Chaykin, inked by Frank Springer, lettered by Joe Rosen, colored by Carl Gafford
So it's off to the local Cantina in search of R&R for our dashing space smuggler rogue captain and his fuzzy throw rug of a navigator. And you know what that means!...
No, no, no! Not them. I think everyone's tired of Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes trying to live off the royalties of their one hit single from thirty years ago. Sure, they might make a decent living hitting the Galactic State Fair circuit, but since that VH-1 Behind the Music special exposed Tedn Dahai's sad spice addiction problem and Nalan Cheel's botched sex-change operation, they just aren't in demand for star-weddings and space-mitzvahs anymore.
No, what Han's lookin' for is the ladies.
Yes, years before the Star Wars universe introduced us to Lando "Colt .45" Calrissian, the smoothest operator this side of the Five Fire Rings of Fornax, Missus Solo's little boy Hannibal was oohin' and ahhin' over the fine, fine spaceladies of the Known Worlds. It's clear here that in this issue, the first to branch out into new, original stories, Roy Thomas thought it would be a great idea to address the paucity of female parts in the original film and to introduce an element critically lacking in the Star Wars Universe: space trollops.
Han wastes no time in makin' his move. Just like his old Corellian freighter, he's the fastest operator in the quadrant. Why, he once pitched woo at Barbara Kesel in less than twelve parsecs!
By the way, didja notice the woman in the background of that panel? Proof positive that Leia Organa wasn't the only one in the galaxy with that hairstyle. Then again, she may have started the trend. Remember how everyone wanted a "Rachel" do? I can imagine once your perky teen princess appears on the scene with a Cinnabon hairstyle, every fashionista wants in on that look. Why, I bet at least three out of four cast members of the popular holonet entertainment vidshow Sex and the Sprawling Megalopolis Planet Known as Coruscant had that same 'do.
Meanwhile, Han's mackin' on a Blue Man Groupie, who falls instantly for that old smuggler charm (+2 charisma, roll 2d20 to sweep off one's feet/pseudopods). It's nice to see things work out so well for Captain Solo. Last blue woman he'd been with was that waitress from Hoth who'd just stayed outside too long.
But, remember this: Han Solo may be in like Flinn...
...but it's Chewie who's the true playa. Hey-oh! Play us off, Cantina Band:
When we last left our heroes, the Duke Boys Star Warriors were in more trouble than a mess o' possums tryin' to steal a corncob from an Alabama senator a Rodian trying to get into an all-Ithorian cabaret. How are they gonna get out of this one? What do you think, Luke Exposition?
Whoa, what did I tell you about ad-libbing to pad your part, Hamill? Somebody do something to shut him up!
WHOA! Not like that, Princess! Believe me, you're gonna regret this by the third movie! And there'll be a whole lotta awkward moments around the palace at Coruscant, trust me. So just move along here, folks...nothing to see here, nothing to see...
Hands up all those who believe Lucas really did have the whole saga plotted out at this point. Put your hand down, Supershadow!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: he's here to kick ass and chew bantha gum. And he's all out of bantha gum.
Labored science fiction metaphor coming up in five...four...three...
"You forget, my former master...in this universe, we call spoons 'personal consumption concaves!"
By the way, why is "The Force" in quotes throughout the entire comic? It makes it sound as if they don't quite believe in it. Either that, or Jack Kirby is doing the dialogue.
"Alec Guinness here, kids, reminding you of the dangers of plugging in a toaster while in the bathtub. I'm dead now. Don't do like I did."
Hamill! What did I tell you about ad-libbing! And stop doing your Cagney impression! Somebody shut him...
...Now cut that out!
Warning: this scene does not take place in the movie.
This one, either. Exciting tho', ain't they?
Thus perishes one of the noblest heroes of the Star Wars saga...Lt. Tono Porkins. I'm so pleased his best friends remember him by a dignified nickname.
Say, does it smell like bacon in here?
I'll take "Things Darth Vader Wouldn't Really Say" for two hundred, Alex.
HAMILL!Stop doing that!
And thus the Star Wars comic adaptation ends, but not without Roy Thomas trying to fill in the S-canon backstory of why the Wookiee didn't get a medal. What, they don't have stepladders in outer space, Leia?
So, there it is. Star Wars. And if you missed it...
Here it is again...the entire movie in one easy-to-digest super-recapping splash page.
And, just in case you blinked and missed it...well, here's another one.
And another one, brought to you in glorious Cinnabon-vision.
And here's...hey, what the Sam Scratch is goin' on here? The Star Wars comic books have more freakin' flashbacks than an episode of Friends!
Still. Star Wars, huh, everybody? Star Wars. Where men are men, Wookiees are Wookiees, Jedi are extinct, and Princess don't wear bras.
Nothing but Star Wars
Give me those Star Wars
Don't let them end
Ah, Star Wars
If they should bar wars
Please let these Star Wars
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...say, 1977 at the local movie theater...we all piled in with our buckets of popcorn and our big cups of Mr. Pibb to see Star Wars yet another time. We didn't even know that it was called A New Hope yet! But we could recite all the lines and dialogue from the movie, over and over again, until we all knew 'em by heart.
Let's revisit those timeless, classic lines of dialogue from Star Wars...through the magic of Marvel Comics!
Here, Darth Vader (and the caption) let us know that Captain Antilles (no relation to Wedge) is not only merely dead, he's almost most sincerely dead. Say, need a throat lozenge, Raymus?
Darth Vader of the comics is even more impressive than the movie version...because in the comic book, he doesn't even spill his Starbucks coffee as he force-throttles General Motti, who, he alerts us, just has to laugh. Good to the last drop, Darth!
What, Luke? What were you going to do in Toshi Station? Gosh, we'll never know now!
You know, Obi-Wan Kenobi has been called a lot of things over the course of six movies, a couple cartoon series, and umpty-ump Expanded Universe sagas, but I think it's safe to say he's never been called that.
Wait a minute, is he your only hope or your last hope? Curse these crummy recording droids!
No, Luke, no! Remember what your Uncle Owen said! When you're with that crazy old wizard, never touch any button, not brightly colored ones, especially not ones 'by the pommel'!
Hey, Obi, what happened to the scum?
Who knew Walrus Man was so verbal? Oh, sorry, I mean Ponda Baba. He and his hetero lifepartner Dr. Evazan only appear for a few panels here, but like all Star Wars cantina denizens, were later slated to appear in multi-part Expanded Universe sagas that postulate their entire history from birth to the end of the universe. For example, we later discover that Walru Ponda Baba, after murdering a doctor's wife, is pursued by that innocent man across the galaxy in an attempt to prove his own innocence and...aw, that'll never play on television.
Ah, that explains that. Not parsecs, par-secs. It makes perfect sense now.
Hey, kids, it's Walrus Jabba!
"...or it could have been that chili I had for lunch."
Darn it, Hamill! Stop trying to pad your part by ad-libbing!
Hey kids, special bonus: Clip 'n' save this vaguely off-model Star Wars pin-up!
Howard Chaykin-drawn busty spread-legged Princess Leia says "Well, hello there, space sailor!"