Covfefe

Panel from The Life of Pope John Paul II one-shot (January 1983), script by Steven Grant, pencils by John Tartaglione, inks by Joe Sinnott, colors by Marie Severin, letters by Jim Novak

Four out of five Silver Surfers recommend

Explaining current events through comics

An Olympic mystery, solved

I'd climb the Empire State Building, fight Muhammad Ali / Just to team-up with DD

From Metro, the free newspaper that makes littering on the subway a fun game for the entire city, here's a headline that's a stern warning to those who would take the law in their own hands, the vigilante heroes of the Big Apple. Especially one guy who is the man without fear:



Well, there's some gratitude for all the times Matt Murdock has saved New York City, huh?

DD knows when he's not wanted. And he's not touching you, Empire State Building. He's not touching you!:

Man Bites Accursed Dog Dept.

Front-page headline in today's Metro ("The free newspaper you can leave behind on the subway!"):


Well, no duh. That ain't news. Doom has never promised us anything but misery and torment in our future. That's not breaking news, that's just consistency.

"Parker! Get out there and get me photographs of stick-skinny models in goofy superhero costumes! And Spider-Man!"

On Monday, The New York Post, the major metropolitan newspaper that comes pre-wrapped around a dead flounder to save you valuable time, featured a spread in their "Pulse" section (hmmm, why does that sound familiar?) spotlighting the current glitzy and glamorous "Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy" exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. So what's on the slate for Manhattan's bastion of fine journalism? A thorough history of the spandex super-suit in comics and movies? A pertinent essay by Jonathan Lethem? Reed Richard's recipe for making your own unstable molecules in your microwave at home?

Nope.

The Post gives you three full-color in-your-face pages of stick-skinny supermodels in couture "inspired by" their favorite superheroes and villains. Well, sure, that kinda makes sense. Here's every Carrie Bradshaw's favorite fashion icon, the late great Captain America (played here, I think, by Matt "My Dad Wrote Catcher in the Rye" Salinger). You can trust your car to the man who wears the star, but would Cap be caught dead in those spiked-heel boots? Not on active duty, soldier!:


Who's up next on our parade of famous superhero icons? A chemise inspired by Wonder Woman? An emerald green artfully tattered slipdress a la She-Hulk? A stretch peek-a-boo top in the Power Girl style? How about a girl dressed as a one-eyed cartoon mouse in a Honey Ryder bikini and a trio of models showing off sugar, spice, and everything priced over $300?


Well, one more page for the Post to redeem itself with, say, a nicely designed piece based on a major character like Superman, Batman, Spider-Man or...perhaps a commercial spokesbandit who commits crimes stealing fried beef and cheese patties? (Bonus classy points for the caption "She's in it for the special sauce.") And the sword is not included with the She-Ra look-a-like, but you could probably cut yourself just as sharply on her collarbones. Why don't you girls steal a cheeseburger while you're at it, huh?


Or, in the words of the quintessential Manhattan superheroine, Miss Carrie Bradshaw:

You can't spend too much money on the right outfit. But you can attract too much attention in the wrong one.

"Print more stories about Spider-Man!"

"Plaster that wall-crawling menace all over the front page!" bellows J. Jonah Jameson at his beleaguered staff. "That's the way you sell papers in this town!" Well, Triple-J and the Daily Bugle, while rooted in the muckraking Manhattan tabloid tradition, may be merely fictional, but here's the actual front page of today's New York Post, the only daily paper that makes the Bugle look like The Wall Street Journal:



Check out the headline inside:

GRAND THEFT HITS SPIDEY'S 'MARY JANE'

Not "Kirsten Dunst." Not "Starlet Dunst." Not even "Spidey's Kirsten Dunst."

SPIDEY'S 'MARY JANE'

If you were worried at all that this role would typecast you, Kirsten...well...welcome to Adam West Country.

AP Breaking News

The Associated Press presents this amazingly up-to-the-minute breaking news item, dated March 10, 2007:

Stephen King Ventures Into Comic Books

By COLLEEN LONG
Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK (AP) -- There are few things Stephen King hasn't tried when it comes to his work. He's already the master of horror fiction, a tour guide through disturbing and fantastical worlds, a writing coach, a nonfiction author, a screen writer and even a director.

He can now claim a new genre with the recent Marvel Entertainment comics publication "The Dark Tower," based on his books of the same name.

Wow. Just...wow. Way to stay on top of the news, Associated Press reporter Colleen Long. Yes, I know I shouldn't make fun since any bit of publicity for comics is good news, and this is actually a nice lengthy piece.

But just for fun, I like to imagine what the Daily Bugle would be like if it were run this way:

"Leaves of three, let them be. Leaves of four, eat some more."

From an article in today's Yahoo News:

Study: Global Warming Boosts Poison Ivy

WASHINGTON—Another reason to worry about global warming: more and itchier poison ivy. The noxious vine grows faster and bigger as carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere rise, researchers report Monday.

And a CO2-driven vine also produces more of its rash-causing chemical, urushiol, conclude experiments conducted in a forest at Duke University where scientists increased carbon-dioxide levels to those expected in 2050.

Carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas — a chemical that traps heat similar to the way a greenhouse does — that's considered a major contributor to global warming. Greenhouse gases have been steadily increasing in the atmosphere since the Industrial Revolution...

"The fertilization effect of rising CO2 on poison ivy...and the shift toward a more allergenic form of urushiol have important implications for the future health of both humans and forests," the study concludes.

That's funny. All along I thought it was Harley who boosted Poison Ivy:


Still, if global warming makes Ivy stronger, you know that that means:

Ra's Al Ghul versus Poison Ivy smackdown 12-issue crossover series!

I think the guy with the hornrimmed glasses took it, Miss Saltz.

From today's MSNBC News Headlines:

"We all have secrets. We all have parts of ourselves that we don’t share with anyone else. But when do these veiled truths become destructive? What drives a person to live a double life? Why would a soccer dad by day become a pimp by night? Or why would a law-abiding woman in her 50s have another “self” who shoplifts? In her new book, Anatomy of a Secret: The Psychology of Living a Lie, Dr. Gail Saltz, a regular Today contributor, examines how several people—composites drawn from her patients as well as famous historical figures—created secret lives. Dr. Saltz was invited on the show to explain our impulse to create and nurture alter egos."

She had then planned to read from her book, but the reporter from The Daily Planet and the photographer from The Daily Bugle grabbed the only copy and started fighting over it.

Abe Lincoln can join the X-Men now!

From today's Yahoo News:

"Historians have long puzzled over whether Abraham Lincoln might have had a genetic disorder called Marfan syndrome, but new research has members of the beloved president's family tree wondering if his clumsy gait may actually have been caused by something else. Researchers at the University of Minnesota have discovered a gene mutation in 11 generations of relatives who descended from Lincoln's grandparents. The gene causes spinocerebellar ataxia type 5, a degenerative neurological disorder that affects coordination, including walking, writing, speaking and swallowing. There's a 25 percent chance that Lincoln also inherited the mutation, said Laura Ranum, a genetics professor who led the research."

She then went on to explain that Lincoln would now protect a world sworn to fear and hate him, and that yes, he was indeed the best he was at what he did.