366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 184: Foggy Nelson amazes all the attending audience with astounding alliteration

Panels from The Incredible Hulk (1968 series) #279 (January 1983), script by Bill Mantlo, layouts by Mark Gruenwald, finishes by Greg LaRocque, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Janice Chiang

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 42: Jurisprudence socks it to the Fourth Estate

Panels from Daredevil (1964 series) #177 (December 1981), script and breakdowns by Frank Miller, finishes by Klaus Janson, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Joe Rosen

All the News That's Fit to Never Be Seen

Oh, Matt Murdock, in a town that has 24/7 cable station NY1, why do you rely upon newspapers so much to get your hearsay and scuttlebutt of the crime comings and goings in Manhattan? Y'know, there's lots of alternatives to rubbing your hypersensitive fingers all over those filthy, ink-smudged rags like The New York Daily News, The New York Post, Metro and of course, The Daily Bugle, the only newspaper in the country whose slogan is "Curse you, Spider-Man!" He may be very good at rubbing his fingers over a newspaper and picking up the minuscule impressions left by those mighty presses upon flimsy wood pulp, but I still bet he has troubles reading Cathy. How can we explain Counselor Murdock's fondness for a dying industry in today's bold new information age, when he could be reading the news by rubbing his fingers all over his computer monitor? Well, that last one can be explained by Foggy's troublesome online porn addiction, but otherwise, where's the attraction to a newspaper, DD?

Maybe it's the fact that in the Big Apple, newspapers seem to love running headline stories about guys in red spandex with horns:


...but look out, DD! Just like an issue of Marvel-Team Up with Some Guy Who Turns Out to Eventually Be a Villain, you never know when the press is going to turn on you like a rabid dog!


Well, can you blame 'em? After all, a picture is worth a thousand words...even if it has been turned into the paper by "El Photoshoppo," the villain who can put Queen Elizabeth's head on Madonna's body!


Yes, Daredevil and newspapers have a strange and beautiful relationship...


Most of all, DD finds newspapers useful in his never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the seeing-eye dog's way...a good fish-wrapper is a crimefighter's greatest tool in combatting crooks:




But fear not for the defeated costumed crook, dear reader...instead, weep for the poor innocent 1970s Marvel comics caught battered and torn in the fight!


Yes, around Daredevil and his reckless Gladiator-tossing ways, all periodicals shiver in fear, especially comic books like Nova! And...um...Celam!


That's why Daredevil always champions newspapers and other popular methods of news dissemination:


After all, as we can see through the eyes of Elektra Nachos Natchios in this panel of Daredevil's Girlfriend, Elektra #6, newspapers tell us all sorts of amazing and interesting things, right up until the point where the typesetter has a heart attack!


Yes, in Elektra's world, newspapers fight illiteracy by featuring only a few words on each page plus lots and lots of easy-on-the-eyes white space.


Ya know, whoever wrote the headline Los Angeles Hit By Bad Weather...well, I just hope he got nominated for a Pulitzer.

Yes, after having her brain scooped out and replaced with special magic ninja foam, Elektra finds it easy to read newspapers with the classified section, business news, and London fax numbers all on the same page. Well, at least it makes more sense than Dilbert:


That's why in the Marvel Universe, the motto of the Los Angeles Times is Gotta dog? We'll advertise it in 128 point type!


So now you know all about the newspapers in DD's world and how they help out him and his little lady friend-and-psychopathic assassin-for-hire Ellie N. in their chosen careers as costumed vigilantes in a world they never made. Why, just about the only thing that frustrates Daredevil about being blind is that he can't fully appreciate everything they print in a newspaper:


But don't spare Matt Murdock any tears over that...why, he's got that problem solved with a subscription to his favorite Braille magazine:



So remember, Daredevil always says:


Except for the times when he says:

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.

Greetings, ocean dwellers, and welcome to the Sub Diego Sheraton for this afternoon's seminar: Law for Atlanteans! I'm your guest speaker, Aquaman. Thanks for coming today. In today's hectic submerged world, it's more important than ever to understand the workings of the modern courts and the law, and to prepare yourself for every eventuality in unexpected circumstances where may find yourself needing to understand the law, no matter which side of it you're on. Whether it's beating that SUI rap or suing the dry pants off that snake of an agent Ari Gold for not cutting you in on the movie deal he pitched you, the law is your super friend. Here in Atlantis we have a little joke: what's the difference between a shark and a lawyer? Give up? The answer is: one is an attorney at law, and the other is a Selachimorpha with a full cartilaginous skeleton. Heh heh heh. That's just a little lawyer humor.


Now, everybody out there in the audience: reach under your seat and you'll find a copy of your free book, Law for Atlanteans. That's just another perk we give you for attending this seminar—extra value for you smart info-hungry attendees...no, everybody has a copy...look, it's over there, it floated away...there you go. We're giving this book to you at no extra cost, but if you were to buy this at your local bookstore, this thing'd run you twenty-two clams. Heh heh heh. That's another joke, folks. Can you all hear me there in the back? Um, sir, if you are leaving the seminar, can you please return your book...sir? Sir? Sir?...Well, folks, I guess we know now who's a little shellfish there in the back. Heh. Okay, look up here at the big screen...no, past the walrus...and let's take a look at an ordinary typical Atlantean everyman and how he copes with a mild brush with the law. While I give you some handy tips, see if you can spot any mistakes he might make in dealing with legal matters!



Sooner or later you'll need a lawyer! Remember to engage the services of a professional attorney to get the job done efficiently and expeditiously!
Panels from Daredevil (1964 series) #7 (April 1965),
written by Stan Lee, pencils and inks by Wally Wood, letters by Artie Simek



You can locate lawyers in your Yellow Pages or check with the local Bar Association! Don't be impetuous when you hire legal help—do your research first at home with phone or internet.



Choose your lawyer carefully! Not any lawyer will do—there are hundreds of different specialties among attorneys. Don't simply waltz into a building from off the street and pick one at random!



Be patient! Many top attorneys have packed schedules and may not be able to see you swiftly. Set up an appointment and wait patiently for your meeting!



Show up punctually for your appointment! Don't be late for your meeting with your lawyer. It's best to arrive slightly earlier and relax quietly in the waiting room...they'll be out to see you swiftly!



Want to sue someone? Keep the lawsuit simple! It may be tempting to go for the grand, precedent-breaking legal suit, but simple and to the point wins your case more often than complicated and grandiose!



Listen to your lawyer! He's your educated and trained advocate in the field of law—pay attention to his ideas and take his advice!



Politeness counts! Keep your lawyer on your good side by explaining your case calmly and thorough. Don't lose your temper—that won't help your case!



Treat your lawyer's offices with respect! Keep your feet off the furniture and use that coaster, bucko! Show your attorney you're a cultured and refined person by acting the civilized Atlantean that you are!



When arrested, you have the right to remain silent! Remember, anything you say can be used against you. Don't jeopardize yourself or antagonize the police by blabbing...keep your trap shut until your lawyer arrives!



Never resist arrest! It's humiliating, but keep well within the limits of the law if you're handcuffed or put in restraints. They'll be removed at the station house, so keep calm and don't startle the police with sudden moves!



Dress smartly for your court appearance! A jacket is always proper attire for the courtroom.



Let your lawyer do the talking! You may have seen plenty of movies in which the defendant says, "I object," but remember your lawyer is a trained and paid professional: leave the legal stuff to him!



Wait out your time in lock-up patiently! A cell is no fun, but don't antagonize the police or jeopardize your court case by rattling the bars or making a fuss! As they say in the big house, just "do your own time!"



Never skip bail! Professional bail bondsmen have put up money to ensure you show up for your court case in time. If released into your own custody, follow their instructions and return to the court when ordered. Your bail bondsman will thank you!



Co-operate with paid officials of the law! If you accidentally or mistakenly miss your court appearance, the bail bondsman will send a paid bounty hunter to escort you to the court. Don't be misled by mass media portrayals like Dog The Bounty Hunter, Domino or Janet Evanovich novels: bounty hunters will attempt to coax you into returning with a minimum of fuss. Real-life bounty hunters don't use extreme force on their skips...it's not good business!



Above all, never leave the state while under parole! Doing so may seem like a quick solution, but the long arm of the law will follow you everywhere! It's your duty as a good citizen of Atlantis to face the music and the judgment of the courts, so stay in touch with your assigned parole officer. He's there to help you!


Lights, please...? Thanks! I hope all of you have learned from and find useful these tips on Law for Atlanteans! Let's take a quick kale break—everybody be back here at two-thirty for the section on historical legal court cases. We'll be starting with Roe. v. Wade.