Comics' Stupidest Titles: ...And Starring Joan Crawfish

If you read 'em long enough, you'll find more than a fair share of tone-deaf, dumb-ass comic book story titles, and no, I wouldn't even dare count the class Stan Lee-isms like "And Lo — There Shall Come an Ending!" (Part 3 of Five). No, let's reserve this feature for the worst of the worst, the cheesiest, the corniest, the stupidest titles in comics. Titles like this watersogged "classic:"


Splash page from "There Are No Wire Hangers Underwater!" in Iron Man Annual (1976 series) #10 (September 1989), script by Fabian Nicieza, pencils by Don Perlin, inks by Don Ald, colors by T. Fine, letters by Rick Parker
It's only 1989, which means that I can't use my What can we say? It was the nineties tag. You can pretty much agree that the nineties began in the eighties, however, what with the introduction of chrominum covers, Venom, Batman: The Killing Joke, and the New Teen Titans' Danny Chase. Also: the beginning of single-story mega-crossover events in comics annuals, which will eventually lead to Eclipso: The Darkness Within, The Terminus Factor, JLApe, and perhaps the world's worst summer event since the invention of that ice cream van song: Bloodlines. But it all started here in 1989's Atlantis Attacks, in which former President Jimmy Carter, media mogul Ted Turner, and redneck comic Jeff Foxworthy waged war against the entire Marvel Universe…oh, excuse me, I've made another one of my silly mistakes. That's Atlanta Attacks.

Anyway, "There Are No Wire Hangers Underwater!" continues the saga of true blue Atlantean Andromeda, former member of the Defenders and future member of the underwater heroic team named (groan) "Deep Six." I was fairly sure that she was a member of the Avengers during the hazy, please-try-to-forget-them latter years of Avengers Volume 1, circa Deathcry and Teen Tony Stark, but I was wrong. That's how memorable Andromeda is: she wasn't in the worst years of the Avengers.

But she is returning home to Atlantis pretty much concurrent with it attacking, since beloved bare-torsoed fishy king Namor is believed to be dead, floating face down on the surface of the ocean. Not so: Namor would be non-dead for many more years until finally meeting his fate in that epic battle against the Gorton's Fisherman in 2012's limited series Namor No More. Also not realistic: that weirdass, appearently waterproof version of the Times of London, which in real life doesn't look anything like it's portrayed in this panel. For one thing, there's no crispy and delivious fish 'n' chips wrapped inside it.


Andromeda, wearing the world's least aero- water-dynamic boots, is determined to find out the villain behind the plot of Atlantis Attacks! But since she can't find Tom DeFalco, she's going to confront her own Daddie Dearest, the fearsome Attuma! Or as she calls him: the clam behind the madness. I dunno, I woulda gone with "the clam before the storm." But I'm shellfish that way.


The (stupid!) title of the story is a reference to the 1981 cult classic movie Mommie Dearest, and I'm pretty sure including Joan Crawford in this not-entirely-Iron Man story would have improved it immensely.


Instead, we get Andromeda's dad and Namor nemesis Attuma. I haven't read the rest of this story, serialized across several issues of Atlantis Attacks, but I'm just betting one of the sequels is titled "Attuma with a View."


Thus follows the most anti-climatic battle in the history of Iron Man Annual #10: Andromeda confronts Attuma, Attuma threatens Andromeda, Attuma gets all creepy, Andromeda runs swims away. Also, he insults Andromeda's mom (Andmomeda?) Lady Gelva by calling her a sea cow. I dunno, for some reason I myself don't see that as a insult, personally.


TO BE CONTINUED! In X-Factor #4.


X-Factor Annual #4 is pretty cool because it has artwork by Walt Simonson and John Byrne, an appearance by Jake and Elwood Blues…


Panels from "Inferno Aftermath" in X-Factor Annual #4 (September 1989), script by Mark Gruenwald, pencils by Jim Fern, inks by Joe Rubinstein, colors by Greg Wright, letters by Joe Rosen
...but best yet, it doesn't actually contain a continuation of the Andromeda story. Thus not giving us exactly what we don't want! Hooray for comics!

Seven Brides for Seven Serpents

Letters! I get letters! Well, actually I don't, because I don't have a mailbox. What I do get here is comments on posts, like this one from Jack Roberts commenting on a recent Death of the FF post:

Once again I find myself bringing up What If the Marvel Heroes Lost Atlantis Attacks. We see them die there, too. Can we see that possibly?

You're in luck, Jack, 'cause I've dug my tear-stained copy of What If? volume 2 #25 out of the Bully longbox comic vault (aisle 14, section W) just to watch the Fantastic Four...and pretty much most of the Marvel heroes...die at the hands of giant snakes! Well, not hands, to be accurate. They die at the...slithering of snakes. (Not to be confused with Slytherin.)

Welcome to Earth-9151, a world where (as the cover above tells ya) the Marvel Super Heroes lost Atlantis Attacks! Not to be confused with Atlanta Attacks, the crossover that pitted the Confederate Avengers (Cannonball, Husk, Rogue, Gambit, and Man-Thing!) against Jimmy Carter. Please do not read that annual if you have a peanut allergy.

As far as I remember, that's pretty much the plot of Atlantis Attacks, too, except that the machinations of Set the Serpent God led to the kidnapping of seven superheroines—Marvel Girl, Invisible Woman, Andromeda, She-Hulk, Storm, Scarlet Witch, and Dagger—by Ghaur, the Deviant. (Not to be confused with Gwar, the metal rock band.) Apparently, Ghaur is plotting to have all seven of them marry Set in one big mass-marriage ceremony of the sort not seen since Matt Murdock and Frank Castle walloped the heck out of Reverend Moon in Daredevil/Punisher Team-Up Super-Special #2. Still, as Set was heard to cackle: "Well, that's big 'o me."

Somewhere along the line, as the Watcher is apt to point out, somebody did something different and the Fantastic Four wind up dying. And this time, they've got company! Here goes Benjamin J. Grimm, the ever-dyin' blue-eyed Thing, swallowed whole like a raw oyster into the gaping maw of one of the seven, count 'em, seven heads of Set. Now I've got nothin' against Jim Valentino, scribe of What If? #25, even for killin' off Ben Grimm toot-sweet. What I do hold against Valentino? He can't spell Kukla.


Panels from What If? v.2 #25 (May 1991), script by Jim Valentino, pencils by Rik Levins, inks by Ralph Cabrera, colors by Tom Vincent, letters by Brad K. Joyce

Well, one down, three to go. And just to prove that he's not jokin' around, Set has a giant avalanche crash down on a whole buncha superheroes, including (#2) Johnny Storm, the Human Torch. Another casualty here Sharon Ventura, the temporary FF member known imaginatively as She-Thing. Not to be confused with She-Hulk, She-Surfer, She-Spider-Man Spider-Woman, and She-Clops. And, just to go for the first frame strike, this attack takes out Hawkeye, the Wasp, Captain America, the Vision, Mockingbird, the original Human Torch, and yes, even Squirrel Girl. You can't see her because she's way in the background, attacking an Atlantean with her nuts.*



What's that burning smell that's a cross between scorched metal, smouldering rubber, and barbecue? Why that would be Iron Man and the third member of the Fantastic Four, Mr. Fantastic, biting the dust. And hey, look, Captain Marvel is trying to give Set a bad case of heartburn by flying straight down his throat! I'm guessing that will all end well, huh? Oh, and look, there's Wonder Man. Don't go to pieces, Simon!



But, you know, I bet Ben Grimm is still alive. He always finds a way to survive. After all, if you don't see the body, there's a good chance that...



Oh, that ain't good.

Well, every member of the FF is dead except for Sue, and almost all the heroes are dead. Most of those still alive have been transformed into walking snake-guys, like Cobralossus!



Here's the New Mutants as snakes! Even as a reptile, Tabitha "Boom Boom" Smith manages to maintain her Flashdance look. Now that's dedication to style for ya.



Spider-Snake, Spider-Snake / Deadly neighborhood Spider-Snake / Is he tough? / Listen pal / Cut him in two / He grows another tail / Hey, hey! He is the Spider-Snake!



Rogue-Snake! Actually, this will probably work out the better for her, since while original Rogue couldn't touch anyone with her power-stealing skin, Snake Rogue can just shed it.



Punishersnake! Daresnake! This is kind of frightening, sure, but they would have made the coolest action figures ever.



But hey, if you can count or if you, like Homer Simpson, have three fingers and thumb, by now you're saying "Hey, What If?! You only killed off three members of the Fantastic Four!" Well, apparently but luckily off-camera, the seven heads of Set mated with the seven brides, including Sue Richards—and then all the brides got eaten by their snake-sons. Whoa, ultra-downer, Watcher. Ick. Why can't you ever tell us about a universe where everyone got candy and went to the movies?



So, there ya go. The FF are all pushing up snake-daisies. Everybody else is dead or turned into a snake on legs. Then the serpents started invading other dimensions. AIEEEE they're coming right at us!



Well...pleasant dreams, kids! Play us off, Whitesnake!




*I do apologize, but I can never resist that joke.


This post written with apologies to Siskoid, who will have to read this turkey for his definitive and comprehensive What If? feature in about nine weeks, and will probably treat it with more care than I did.