Thursday, July 14, 2011

How can you say someone is great who's never had his picture on bubblegum cards?

So, on Monday I was talking about this Volstagg trading card sticker:

...and I thought it would be fun to feature an entire week of Warriors Three Marvel trading cards from all those various series licensed to card companies! far as I can tell (and let me know if I'm wrong, Bully-boosters!), none of the various 1990s Marvel cards featured our trio of titanic troopers. By Odin! What's up with that?!?

Yeah, sure, there's a card featuring the Asgardians, but only Thor, Odin, and Loki appear on it.

In fact, it's usually only Thor and Loki, and occasionally Beta Ray Bill, who make any appearances at all on Marvel cards. (Tough luck for you Sif fans, huh?) And even when he is featured, Thor, not unlike his Midgardian secret identity Rodney Dangerfield, seldom gets any respect. Here's a mural of nine cards featuring the "mythic" characters of 1990s Marvel. Sure, Thor's on there...but is he in the middle?

No. He is not. Instead, that honor is reserved for one of Marvel's most popular and enduring characters:

COBWEB! With the power of...mildly making your home a little more disheveled. Yep, remember when Sleepwalker was popular? Sleepwalker!: Created with the express purpose of being more Sandman than anything else Marvel published, including that Spider-Man villain spin-off Sandman. And he had a dog named Rambo! Yep, that topical reference will never get old!

Say, Bully, (you're probably asking), what other Marvel characters were considered more worthy of being featured on a bubblegum card than three immortal warrior-gods co-created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby? And, how do you keep your fuzzy fur so shiny and glossy? Answers: plenty of raw eggs and a nightly dose of castor oil. Also, these guys:

Cardinal! The superhero with the power of voting for the next Pope!

Heart Attack! She strikes...with the proportionate strength of a stick of butter!

Splice! He'll fix your ruined VHS and Betamax tapes!

MLF! Hey, how come Marvel never uses that acronym anymore?

Proctor! Don't cheat on that standardized test near him!

Blackheart! From the post-Frank Miller, ultra-gritty and realistic years of Daredevil!

Calypso! She's...not wearing a bra. Geez, lady!

Deadzone! One of the terrifying members of the supervillain team King's Klan, including Cujo, It, Night Shift, Tommyknocker, and Stephen King Goes to the Movies!

Slayback! Alt-rock band out of Austin, Texas!

Wild Heart! Stevie Nicks's second LP!

Hardcore! Even his name says Merry Christmas he's hardcore!

Goddess! Her real name is Goddess! Her parents must have met at Woodstock!

And then there's this guy.

Whoa, enough cards there, Gambit? Remember the rule of this blog, folks: this is the only acceptable Gambit, in card form or otherwise!

Well, that's just plain Ragnarok-grettable. So many chances to feature the Warriors Three, so many cards tossed away on second- or third-stringer has-beens whose action figures gather dust in the Big Lots of America's strip malls. Remember folks, Kirby Kharacters will endure! Also, kooler to kollect.

To be absolutely fair, earlier this year the W3 were featured on cards tying in with Marvel's hit movie Captain America Thor! It was really rather humiliating, however, that the Warriors Three had to cut patches out their undershortsr to create these cards.

Say, what was that Lucy van Pelt said at the beginning?
He never got his picture on bubblegum cards, did he? Have you ever seen his picture on a bubblegum card? Hmmm? How can you say someone is great who's never had his picture on bubblegum cards?
Huh. Well, this blog is all about righting rights and Jane Wiedlin, so let me introduce, for the very first time ever, straight outta Asgard...

Warriors Three Bubblegum cards!

There ya go, kids! Cut them out and collect 'em all! Trade 'em with your friends! Put 'em in your bicycle wheel spokes! Use them to whup the asses of anybody playing the Pokemon trading card game! Slip 'em into a deck of cards at a Vegas gaming table! But most of all, love them. And they'll love you right back. That's how cool they are.

Oh yeah! And here's your gum.

Warning: do not eat gum.


Anonymous said...

Dude, that is just awesome.

goatfalcon said...

*choke* *cough* -- this gum -- *hack* -- it tastes like attic...

Zundian said...

I may be wrong, but judging by the pose/chestal area of Heart Attack, I believe he's a she.

Tyler is a weird name for a girl though.

Jon Jermey said...

Proctor -- don't turn your back on him!

Adam Hoffman said...

To be fair, the '90s trading card sets were a product of their time. If a new character was getting a big storyline or just debuting, they usually got a card. Trading cards were one of the things that got me into comics, though I was more partial to the DC Cosmic Cards than the Marvel cards.

Oh, and I still don't understand your great dislike of Gambit. I mean, he's not great but he's not that bad either.

Bully said...

(It's more of a running gag than anything more serious, Adam.)

Adam Hoffman said...

Oh, I guess I just didn't get the humor.

chiasaur11 said...

Well, Marvel probably doesn't use the MLF because they're afraid they'll be confused with the M.I.L.F. (Minions International Liberation Front), which had a pretty big story last year.

Good comics.

Delta said...

Re: Heart Attack, "... was once the leader of the all-woman strike force called H.E.A.R.T.!" (Per bottom of card.)

Delta said...

Also this:

Bully said...

Thanks, guys! I'm a little stuffed bull, I didn't notice the boobs. (tee hee...boobs.)