Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Home of the Fighting Spiders

Peter Parker IDIt's back to school days, and if you're heading off to college for the very first time, well, you're on the road to a grand, exciting adventure, where you'll learn the basic skills and talents that will serve you well for the rest of your life, make friendships whose bonds will never be broken, create memories and experiences of fun and frolic, and have beautiful campus romances that open your eyes to the wonder of love. Also: alcohol poisoning.

If you've been accepted here to prestigious Empire State University in Greenwich Village, Manhattan, you've chosen one of the finest of New York's many colleges, including NYU, Columbia, Dr. Stephen Strange's College of Magic and Mystificationing, The Norman Osborn Institute for Advanced Evil, and DeVry. ESU's talented staff includes several national and international award-winners in their fields, including entomologist Professor Buck Mitty, Dr. Miles Warren of the ESU Applied Cloning Department and his assistant Dr. Miles Warren, physical fitness and self-offense instructor Dr. Frank Castle, and a hobbit:

Panels from Marvel Comics Presents #127 (1993), script by Joey Cavalieri, pencils by Dave Hoover, inks by Jeff Albrecht, colors by Mike Thomas, letters by Mike Higgins

There's no slacking off here at Empire State University, so be sure to budget your time accordingly, especially during your orientation! Be certain to fill in and submit all necessary forms, familiarize yourself with the time and location of your courses, pick up all textbooks at the bookstore who will assure you most sincerely that not only do give you the lowest possible prices, but that there is absolutely no place else where you can find these expensive texts and receive them quickly and professionally. Remember to believe everything the school bookstore tells you: remember, if you don't buy your $108 chemistry textbook there, where will you pick it up? (Also, they have sweatshirts.) Finally, remember to meet with your old high-school bully who is attending the same college, and work out a timetable for the next four years of getting wedgies. Scheduling them now will save you time later!

Panel from Amazing Spider-Man #31 (December 1965), script by Stan Lee, pencils and inks by Steve Ditko, letters by Artie Simek

But don't forget to make time to meet new and exciting friends with unusual and unlikely hair, like a 45-year-old freshman with cornrows and Dick Tracy's Moon Maid!


Remember, that cute little co-ed passing you by might turn out to be the love of your life! Go ahead, give her a "tumble!"


Speaking of which, in college you'll learn the most important life lesson ever: never, never do this:

Panels from Amazing Spider-Man #68 (January 1969), co-plot and script by Stan Lee, co-plot and layouts by John Romita Sr., finishes and inks by Jim Mooney, letters by Sam Rosen

But don't worry if you don't connect immediately. Sooner or later, she'll likely tumble 4 ya.

Panel from Amazing Spider-Man #121 (June 1973), script by Gerry Conway, pencils by Gil Kane, inks by John Romita Sr. and Tony Mortellaro, colors by David Hunt, letters by Artie Simek

Yes, campus life is more, much more, than attending boring old classes and researching term papers. Take time to hang out on the ESU quad with your pals 'n' gals. It's not merely suggested, it's mandatory! Remember, ESUer, grazing in the grass is a gas! Yeah, baby, can you dig it? (Offer of grazing in the grass is available only to students of the classes of 1966-1970).

Panels from Amazing Spider-Man #162 (November 1976), script by Len Wein, breakdowns by Ross Andru, finishes by Mike Esposito, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by John Costanza

Of course, there are other activities available to the socially-conscious young student. Become a member of one of ESU's many organizations for change and do or die, baby!

Panels from Amazing Spider-Man #68

But, don't neglect your schoolwork and your instructors...especially your Professor of Turning Body Mass Into Muscle!

Panels from Amazing Spider-Man #68

For the female freshmanwoman, remember that there's much more to college than gossip, drinking, sororities, clumsy sex and boys...

Emma Frost at ESU

Two-page spread from Emma Frost #13 (September 2004), script by Karl Bollers; pencils by Adriana Melo; inks by Sean Parsons, Andrew Pepoy, and Eric Cannon; colors by Transparency Digital; letters by Cory Petit
Click image to Harry Pierce-size

...there's also studying, prepping for your eventual later career of stripping at a private hedonistic club based on an old episode of The Avengers until you work your way up the corporate ladder to become the S&M queen in co-charge of psychically subjugating your goodie-goodie arch-enemy and then later initiating an mental adulterous love affair with her husband and long-time love before you move into his bedroom the day after her death and seize half-leadership of an entire race of humanity only occasionally pausing to work for for that race's deadliest nemesis and periodically sleeping with an amphibian, all while dressed in skintight minimum leather corset and high heels. Or, nursing.

Panels from Emma Frost #13

So let's wrap up your orientation to Empire State University by providing you with a copy of the campus map, including all six buildings and our famous Peter van Zante Memorial Fountain. Please, do not pitch pennies in it!

Page from Web of Spider-Man Annual #3 (1987), script by Danny Fingeroth, pencils by Don Perlin, inks by Keith Wilson

Oh, and whatever you do, don't miss our famous annual Homecoming Bonfire!

Panel from Fantastic Four #371 (December 1992), co-plot and script by Tom DeFalco, co-plot and pencils by Paul Ryan, inks by Danny Bulanadi, colors by Gina Going, letters by Jack Morelli


Matthew Craig said...

That last-but-one speech bubble takes on a new meaning in this whizzeau modern age of social butterflies and emoticon newspeak.

"L8K!" What's that? "Latek!" Some kind of yoot slang, no doubt.


SallyP said...

That's one swinging campus.

chiasaur11 said...


No mention of good old State U?


S Bates said...

My, there's a clash of architectural styles of the buildings at ESU.

Also, it appears Physics isn't a science in the Marvel Universe.

"You, young man, are going to regret that - I promise!"

"I'll teach you! I'm going to sleep with Harry's father instead"