"Parker! Get out there and get me photographs of stick-skinny models in goofy superhero costumes! And Spider-Man!"

On Monday, The New York Post, the major metropolitan newspaper that comes pre-wrapped around a dead flounder to save you valuable time, featured a spread in their "Pulse" section (hmmm, why does that sound familiar?) spotlighting the current glitzy and glamorous "Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy" exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. So what's on the slate for Manhattan's bastion of fine journalism? A thorough history of the spandex super-suit in comics and movies? A pertinent essay by Jonathan Lethem? Reed Richard's recipe for making your own unstable molecules in your microwave at home?

Nope.

The Post gives you three full-color in-your-face pages of stick-skinny supermodels in couture "inspired by" their favorite superheroes and villains. Well, sure, that kinda makes sense. Here's every Carrie Bradshaw's favorite fashion icon, the late great Captain America (played here, I think, by Matt "My Dad Wrote Catcher in the Rye" Salinger). You can trust your car to the man who wears the star, but would Cap be caught dead in those spiked-heel boots? Not on active duty, soldier!:


Who's up next on our parade of famous superhero icons? A chemise inspired by Wonder Woman? An emerald green artfully tattered slipdress a la She-Hulk? A stretch peek-a-boo top in the Power Girl style? How about a girl dressed as a one-eyed cartoon mouse in a Honey Ryder bikini and a trio of models showing off sugar, spice, and everything priced over $300?


Well, one more page for the Post to redeem itself with, say, a nicely designed piece based on a major character like Superman, Batman, Spider-Man or...perhaps a commercial spokesbandit who commits crimes stealing fried beef and cheese patties? (Bonus classy points for the caption "She's in it for the special sauce.") And the sword is not included with the She-Ra look-a-like, but you could probably cut yourself just as sharply on her collarbones. Why don't you girls steal a cheeseburger while you're at it, huh?


Or, in the words of the quintessential Manhattan superheroine, Miss Carrie Bradshaw:

You can't spend too much money on the right outfit. But you can attract too much attention in the wrong one.