Saturday, November 01, 2014

Archie's Generic Celebrities Month, Day 1: Not Actually Johnny Depp

Which comic book character do you think has met the largest number of famous people? Wolverine? Wolverine? Do you think it's Wolverine? It's probably Wolverine, isn't it? Well, actually, it's those crazy kids of Riverdale, USA: Archie, Betty, Veronica, Jughead... um... Gerry...Pingu... Vyvyan and Rick... um... Spanky and Alfalfa... and the Professor and Mary Ann. But somehow all those celebrities who ride the little-seen Acela Express from Westbridge, Massachusetts straight to the Riverdale / Pembrooke / Greendale tri-state area seem to be...not quite the real thing. I don't know whether this is to avoid Archie Comics being sued by a celebrity (although let's face it, Angelina Jolie was just a really poor sport about that story where Jughead dumped a bucket of mustard on her head) or just that Riverdale exists in a parallel universe where big-time Hollywood stars have close-but-not-legal-actionable names. In any case, let's take thirty days' look-see at fake celebrities that don't really exist, like Michael Jonkson, Scarlett Jansonberry and Glenn Scarpelli!

In short: this month, all month: Archie's Generic Celebrities! First up: that dreamboat star who made us all forget that pirates were hateful, murderous villains who looted, pillaged, and participated in internet hate crimes against women: Jon E. Depth!

Panel from "Pirates Ahoy!" in Archie Comics Digest #237 (August 2007), script by Mike Pellowski, pencils by Henry Scarpelli, inks by Jon D'Agostino

You know, I liked the original Spy Guy movies much better before they rebooted them with Steve Martin.

1 comment:

Blam said...

I'm... not gonna like this. Just warning you now, Bully, and it ain't your fault. I have an outsize, blinding hatred for these. As Mad parodies? Fine. As supposedly real things within the Archie universe? Stoopid. Of the tropes that Batton Lash worked lovingly into the "Freshman Year" story, I could've so done without this one, especially since a certain TV show became a running gag. Even making fun of them is more attention than I care to give them, but I'll try to stay tuned.

// Which comic book character do you think has met the largest number of famous people? //

Mark Evanier.