Professor X is a Jerk!: Gonna be your man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels

It's not only in the actual Marvel comic books that Professor X is a jerk—he's pretty much an all-over arrogant good-for-nothing varmint, as they would say way out west if he were caught rustling cattle, which he actually did in X-Men/Rawhide Kid Team-Up #43 (July 1976). Mind you, he looked mighty fine in those leather chaps.

Instead, let's take a look at a medium in which you'd hardly expect Charles Xavier to be a complete and utter skunk: a children's picture and sticker book. How does this make him jerky? Well, you have to remember he sold off the likeness and personality traits of every one of the X-Men to various publishers in exchange for filthy, filthy lucre. (Except for Maggott. No one wanted to buy the rights to him.) Here's one of the more egregious examples from that bargain made with the devil X: 2003's Wheels of Steel, written by Michi Fujimoto, author of such Marvel classics as Football Spider-Man: Touchdown!, Hulk Rage! Get Ready for Hulk!, and Elektra Wins the Girl Scout Cookie Competition. The art's by Ron Lim (yes, Marvel Comics artist Ron Lim from Silver Surfer and Captain America) and Emily Y. Kanalz. The "Y" is for "Why, Professor Xavier, why?"

As the story opens, Professor Xavier is hanging out at the park, approaching and speaking to young boys who don't know him. Maybe they should call him Predator X. Quick, somebody phone Chris Hansen! And hey, what kind of basketball court doesn't have a smooth flat asphalt surface? And in Westchester, yet? My guess: this was a paved court until the Juggernaut tore it up. Which only goes to prove: unlike the Dukes, all the Xavier boys are jerks.



Professor X resists no impulse to twist the knife at any chance. "It's nice to be able to do things that others can't." Wow, now that's a reassuring idea to a kid who's in a wheelchair. Luckily, he's exposed the secret identities of his nearby school by bringing out two of his students, in costume, so that other children on the playground will be able to sell their cell phone photos to the Daily Bugle's "Page 6," which will be published with the headline "CUEBALL PROFESSOR IS MUTANT MENTOR!" And also "SPIDER-MAN: THREAT OR MENACE?"



Storm creates a wind strong enough to lift Kyle and his wheelchair up into the air. So, wow, it's just like flying! Except, y'know, still in a wheelchair. It's a little like riding Space Mountain completely covered in bubblewrap. On the one hand, you can say you've been on Space Mountain. On the other hand...



Hooray, Kyle made a slam dunk! Coincidentally, the deadly mutant Proteus has transformed the grass to asphalt in between the last two pages. Even tho' he's made it so the basket faces away from the court by 90 degrees. Proof positive that mutants are jerks.



You've got to admit that's pretty cool, and all the kids are so delighted that their faces are frozen into identical grins. Possibly Professor X has filled the basketball with Joker venom. In any case, to quote: "The kids cheered. 'Do it again!'"

At which point Professor Xavier immediately takes off so that Kyle will never be able to do that again.



Whatta jerk.

On the other hand, this book provides us with two pages of gooey, gummy, 'glutinative stickers! Nobody doesn't like stickers! Look at them all! Including a Rogue/Mystique catfight! Mrrowwww!



I, of course, have wasted no time in creating a lovely sticker tableau for your enjoyment and entertainment. Turn it into your computer desktop image. I dare ya!



As befitting Proffesor X's usual jerkiness, however, some of the stickers are less than entertaining. What the Sam Scratch is this thing?!?:



Finally, no set of stickers is complete without a British supermodel-turned-pilot-turned-superhero transformed into a purple-haired Asian ninjette in a swimsuit with stretchy bands around her thighs. Yes, that's right...hey, look, it's Psylocke!



So, to sum up: Professor X is a jerk. But you knew that already.

365 Days with the Warriors Three, Day 38

Panel from Thor Annual #5 (1976), script by Steve Englehart, breakdowns by John Buscema, finishes by Tony DeZuniga, colors by Don Warfield, letters by San Jose

Yahoooo!

Ten of a Kind: It's a big pretty white plane with a red stripes, curtains at the windows, wheels, and it just looks like a big Tylenol.

(More Ten of a Kind here.)

365 Days with the Warriors Three, Day 37

Panel from Thor #390 (April 1988), script by Tom DeFalco, pencils by Ron Frenz, inks by Brett Breeding, colors by Jack Scheele, letters by Christie Morelli

Same Story, Different Cover: She ain't heavy, she's my victim

L: [Adventure into] Fear #23 (December 1975), art by Gil Kane and Dan Adkins
R: Morbius Revisited #5 (December 1993), reprinting Fear #23, art by Walter McDaniel and Matt Banning

(Click picture to Dracu-size)

365 Days with the Warriors Three, Day 36

Panels from What If? v.1 #20 (April 1980), script by Tom DeFalco, layouts by Alan Kupperberg, inks by Bruce Patterson, colors by Carl Gafford, letters by Tom Orzechowski

Zing!

Panels from New Mutants v.3 #5 (November 2009), script by Zeb Wells, pencils and inks by Zachary Baldus, colors by James Campbell, letters by Joe Caramagna

365 Days with the Warriors Three, Day 35

Panel from Thor #276 (October 1978 ), script by Roy Thomas, breakdowns by John Buscema, inks by Tom Palmer, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Joe Rosen

Harley '67

If you're a fan of Harley Quinn, the Clown Princess of Crime, then you no doubt know that she was created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm in the 1992 episode of Batman: The Animated Series titled "The Joker's Favor."



Later, the show fleshes out Harley's wacky worldview, her fatal attraction to her beloved "Mistah J," and, in an episode adapted from a well-received comic book, examines the origin of her "Mad Love"—detailing how criminal psychologist Dr. Harleen Quinzel first met the Joker.



Harleen's professional interest soon turns into romantic obsession...



And it never seems to permanently sink in that Joker's only interested in Harley while she can help him. She's no more than a tool to his end; but for her the world revolves around the Joker. And she'll keep coming back to him again and again, no matter how much he hurts her, emotionally and physically.



But...didja know...that if the producer had followed up on it...we very possibly could have had Harley Quinn...back in 1967? In an entirely different Batman TV series?



Yes, it's true, there was very nearly a Harley Quinn-type character on the Batman 1966-69 TV series!



It happened in the 1967 second season two-part episode "Pop Goes the Joker" and "Flop Goes the Joker." That cackling criminal the Joker (the white-faced, right down to his mustache, Cesar Romero) has crashed an art gallery...



...where, unimpressed by the art world's traditional offerings, he vandalizes them using a pair of paint guns.



He even shoots Batman point blank in the chest! With, um, red paint. More laundry for Alfred! And those stubborn stains never come out!



Joker's surreal scribbles attract the attention and awe of the Gotham City art world, who, in keeping with the idiocy of Gotham's police department, political families, and socialites, make the Crime Cackler into their new idol—especially art world cutie "Baby Jane" Towser (Diana Ivarson), heir to the paper clip fortune. So, obviously, she's easily bendable to his will.



Joker woos and wins the easily-impressed Baby Jane: he's easily impressed by her insanely rich side (the rich part as well as the insane bit), especially with his art offering, a blank canvas entitled "Death of a Mauve Bat." "Where's the bat?" "He's dead."



Thus, let the co-dependence begin!



Worthy of a Steve Ditko story, the script gets in some barely-concealed jabs at the world of modern art...



...and the sheer insanity of the instant fame its heroes find.



Eager to impress the Joker, Harley Baby Jane captures his essence as a modern sculpture:



But Joker's more interested in holding the entire roomful of Gotham's elite for ransom...including millionaire Bruce Wayne!



Baby Jane's reaction to the Joker's criminal turn isn't surprising to those familiar with the sympathetic yet frequently-betrayed attitude of Joker's girl Friday Harley, as she protests "Even me, Joker?" Yup. Even you.



Hey, look...Jane's even got the traditional Harley Quinn pigtails!



Bruce Wayne...in trouble? Why, this is a job for Batman! But only Robin shows up to save the day. Huh, wonder why that is?



Fight scene ensues! With even Bruce getting to paste a haymaker on the Joker's grinning jaw! Go, Bruce, go!



Just in case you'd forgotten you were watching the sixties Batman TV series:



Uh oh! Robin and Bruce are captured and trapped in a frightening "Bat-Mobile" death trap! Will they escape? (Answer: yes.)



Back among the hostages, Baby Jane attempts to appeal to Joker to release her and the others, but Joker's having none of that. Rejected, Jane snaps back angrily: "You tied me up and tried to steal my art collection?"



But just like he does with Harley, the Joker's got Jane wrapped around his chalk-white finger: "I couldn't help myself dear...I'm an artist! I have a desire for things of beauty. Beauty is irresistible to me!...You've got to stand by me!"



Jane, of course, melts. "Your paintings were impressive...certainly not the work of an ordinary mind!" You don't know how right you are on that part, sister!



By the time the Boy Wonder bursts back into the room (aw, c'mon, you knew he was gonna escape that death trap, didn't you?), Joker's totally got Baby Jane turned to his side. That's co-dependence, kids!



Jane protests that the Joker hasn't actually stolen anything yet. She stops herself from murmuring "Except my heart!" Thankfully.



Can this relationship be saved? Ehhhh...no. This sort of love affair always eventually ends up on Cops, doesn't it? Well, whatever, save your receipt on the wedding gift, okay?



Later, at Jane's family mansion, Joker enjoys her every pampering and attention as he takes full advantage of her—repeat it with me, just as he always did with Harley Quinn. And that includes her giving him...all-you-can-eat chicken wings!



Sure, Jane can't help but feel a little bit used when the Joker uses the family's antique table as his new canvas...



...especially when his goons turn it into "modern art" with their axes. Modern art, everyone. Modern art.



"Don't look at it this way, darling!" reassures the Joker. "You're not losing a table...you're gaining a masterpiece!"



So, happily, all is well in the Joker-Jane household.



D'oh! Well, that's what you get for dating an insane criminal with violent mood swings! (Just ask Katy Perry, Jane!)

Joker's plot is to use Baby Jane to gain entrance to her family's wing of the Gotham City Art Museum, and to substitute his own artwork for the priceless works on display, getting away with millions of dollars of classic art! Wow...that's...a complicated but effective plan, huh? "Is that why I'm tied up?" Baby Jane rants. "After all I've done for you?"



Heck hath no fury like a woman betrayed. Harley would have found a way to kick the Joker's butt at this time...oh, who are we kidding? This is a moment when big fat wet tears would well up in her eyes and she'd sob helplessly pleading for her puddin' to not hurt her, at which he'd laugh and kick her through a window or something. At least Baby Jane escapes that violent fate.

Phoning the ever-clueless Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara to give his ransom demands for the paintings, Joker is unaware that Batman has entered the room behind him, listening and then speaking on an extension line. It's one of Adam West's best moments at Batman, and if you think the show is only camp and hijinks, this scene is well worth checking out.



Suddenly, of course, in pure Harley style, Baby Jane is useful again! As a hostage, yes, but useful! Thwarted from his art gallery scheme by Batman, Joker grabs Jane and heads for Stately Wayne Manor, threatening to blow her brains out in front of Alfred and Aunt Harriet if he isn't given access to the Wayne safe immediately! ...



...leading to the totally awesome scene of Joker and Alfred fencing for their lives! I'm telling you, Batman, pfui. Robin, meh. The real hero of this series is the ever-unflappable and always-awesome Alfred!



Trying to escape, Joker dashes into Bruce's study, inadvertently triggering the hidden button in the bust of Shakespeare:



...and opening the secret entrance to the Batcave! Oh no! Will the Dynamic Duo's most deadly arch-nemesis discover their secret identities? Looks like it!



...except...no! Earlier in the episode, Alfred had fortuitously removed the "Access to Batcave via Batpoles" sign and the "Dick" and "Bruce" labels on the poles themselves so that he could re-paint them. Holy deus ex machina, Batman! Yes, I'm sorry, I couldn't get through this post without doing that at least once. So the Joker doesn't see that these poles lead to the Batcave, because ever-quick-thinking Alfred punches the (hidden) "emergency Batpole elevator" button, bringing the Joker back up before he can see the hidden cave...



...and sending him careening up and down until he cries like a little girl, begging to be let off this wild ride. He's only too happy to be taken away by the time Batman and Robin arrive.



Baby Jane (on the sofa, with everyone's favorite busybody, Gladys Kravitz Aunt Harriet), explains to Batman how taken in by the Joker she was. Aunt Harriet comforts her by explaining that "anyone could be taken in by the Joker's slick talk!" Well, anyone with serious psychological needs and crippling co-dependence issues, that is.



In an epilogue, Bruce explains that "Batman" arranged for the museum to swap the real art treasure's for Alfred's paintings, thus foiling the Joker. A gentleman's gentleman, a fighter, a wit, and an artistic genius...is there anything that Alfred cannot do?!?



And that's the last we see of Diana Ivarson as Baby Jane Towser, the girl so enamored of the Joker she let him trash her family table. Man, that's love. But it's a pity the character didn't appear in any later episodes. She shares many of the psychological characteristics of Harley Quinn, a great Batman character with a tragic flaw of loving too much and not wisely. There's all the signs in Baby Jane that she could have returned in a later episode, still obsessed by the Joker, so infatuated by him she dons a colorful costume to become his beloved sidekick...always clinging, always returning no matter how rejected. It happened in 1992, but it coulda happened in 1967. Which only goes to show: the Batman '66 show is not only more awesome than you think, it is more awesome than you can comprehend.