Friday, December 03, 2010

Steve Austin vs. a Crocodile!

No, no, not "Stone Cold" Steve Austin...sorry, wrestling fans...but actually Colonel Steve Austin, the Twenty-Six and a Half Million Dollar Man (adjusted for inflation).

The Six Million Dollar Man #4
Cover of The Six Million Dollar Man #4 (December 1976), cover art by Jack Sparling


Oh, sure, we all remember when Steve fought Bionic Bigfoot and the Fembots. (That great alt-rock band of the mid-seventies). But have we ever seen The Man with the Scientific Kung-Fu Grip battle an actual crocodile? No, we have not. Hey, and he'd better get there quick, because apparently that cold-blooded reptile is stalking a Disney Princess! Better sing your longing song quick, princess!

The Six Million Dollar Man #4
Pages from The Six Million Dollar Man #4 (December 1976), script by Joe Gill; pencils, inks, and letters by Joe Staton, except for: inks by Jack Sparling on Steve's face throughout, colors by Wendy Fiore


Will be be in time to prevent the Princess? It's pretty tense even when we can't hear that familiar neh-neh-neh-neh-neh of Dr. Rudy Wells's patented steam-powered bionics in action!




But don't be too worried, folks! All of Colonel Austin's dangerous underwater stunts are actually performed by Hollywood stuntman Colt Seavers! (He's been seen with Farrah, too.)

The Six Million Dollar Man #4


YEE-HAW! Ride 'em, Cyborg!

The Six Million Dollar Man #4


And now we find out that this crocodile infested sea is in...the desert? What the heck, Charlton Comics? I call shenanigans on that! But, hey, Steve always gets the girl...even if she does have eggs instead of ears.

The Six Million Dollar Man #4


Ummm, maybe the guys with the rifles could have done something about that crocodile? Huh, guys? Or was it your hookah break? Well, you can't blame them for slackin' off, seeing as their sun is going supernova behind them.

So there you go. Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man, our country's most advanced human/cyborg weapon, is a powerful deterrent against the invasion of aquatic reptiles. Put that in your report and toss it on Oscar Goldman's desk without checking in with his secretary Peggy Callahan first, huh? Now that's a real man's man! Betcha NBC's Saturday night spin-off bionictress Jaime Sommers couldn't fight a big aquatic beast...

The Bionic Woman #2


Oh. Wow. I...I stand corrected, Ms. Sommers.


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