365 Days of DC House Ads, Day 176: Ma Hunkel's fav'rite comic

House ad for Scribbly #1 (August-September 1948); printed in Detective Comics #138 (August 1948)
Comic cover and ad art: pencils and inks by Sheldon Mayer

Bear Attack! Month, Day 25: Tom Orzechowski was so scared he forgot to letter this page

Page from New Mutants #18 (August 1984), script by Chris Claremont, pencils and inks by Bill Sienkiewicz, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Tom Orzechowski

On my planet, it stands for Safety. Road safety.

Dagnabit, you kids today with your Hot Wheels and your Snoopy Snow-Cone machines and your Mans of Steel moving picture cinemeolas...you don't know what it was like when we wuz growing up! Oh, wait, sorry; I was channeling Grampy Bull there for a moment. His point (and he did have one before he went to the rest home) is that Superman, America's Most Popular Action Character™, has been around for more years than you can swing a cat to the side of the barn and back with a plug o' tabaccy and a buffalo nickel left over to buy a fresh new Oldsmobile. I have no idea what that means.


What I wanted to talk to you about is this nifty-keeno Superman story from Action #12, and that's not the one written by Grant Morrison. Unless, of course, Grant Morrison utilized a tesseract-slicing time-travel method to hack into Joe Siegel's nineteenth-century-standard wetware and transplant a meme of five-dimensional ideas of semiotically pleasurable conditions biogenetically originating a human virus in the form of a character in a brightly-colored strongman's costume. Heck, he's always doin' that.

Nope, this tale is from the original Action #12, and it's about the time that Superman fought for truth, justice, and traffic safety. Yep, the villain in here is not Luthor or Mxyztplk Mxyzptlk Klptzyxm or even Lois Lane's evil twin Penny. The entire story is built around Superman's crusade to improve automobile and road safety in Metropolis. Keen!


Panels from the Superman story in Action Comics (1938 series) #12 (May 1939), script by Jerry Siegel, pencils and by Joe Shuster, additional pencils by Paul Cassidy (?)
The story opens when Dick Tracy arrives on the scene...wait, no, that's Clark Kent...of a hit and run accident in which one of his co-workers is killed. No, sorry folks: it's not Jimmy. ("Clark Kent's co-worker: first appearance and final appearance, Action Comics #12.") When Clark implores the mayor of Metropolis "won't somebody think of the children?" the mayor shows all the backbone and political power of a limp piece of linguini at the Olive Garden. (This paragraph has been sponsored by The Olive Garden, where you're our big Italian family! And we sit you on chairs with wheels.)

Superman decides to take to the air...waves to begin his battle against deadly drivers. Yes, he enters local Metropolis radio station WVUX ("All the hits and no Luthor!") by destroying a window, which is only the first of several "Superman: Threat or Menace?" moments in this story. Seriously, Kal? Couldn't find the door?


Superman politely interrupts Orson Welles' Mercury Theater of the Air with the phrase "I'll make a bee-line for his gizzard." This is the slang all the kids were rappin' in the Three-Ohs, homey!


Superman declares war on people who text while driving, and on Jeremy Clarkson! Then, he swiftly leaves through the door and...OH FOR PETE'S SAKE SUPERMAN


He then zips over to the Metropolis Car Impound Lot and destroys all the cars. So, it's too bad for you if your car was stolen and then recovered and taken there, I imagine. Still, he's having fun, and you've got to admit, Henry Cavill would have looked great doing this.


Then, he visits the local car salesman, and walks away with a brand new Volkswagen just by signing for it! Then he throws it into the sun and wrecks the rest of the entire poor guy's inventory. And this is the story of how this car salesman starved during the long winter of '40, and his wife and children passed away within weeks of him losing his job. ("Used car salesman: first appearance and final appearance, Action Comics #12.")


Continuing his balanced, passive-aggressive, well-reasoned war on traffic accidents, Superman then declares war on every car in Metropolis. Especially the 1939 LexMobile: "All the fine handling of a lush sedan and the Superman-killing power of a Kryptonite battletank."


When I first looked at that last panel there, I thought it actually said this:


HA HA HA HA HA HA IT'S A GAG ABOUT DESPERATE SPINSTERS:


Okay, so here's the first sign that maybe Superman might be right in his wild and crazy crusade: wacky comedy drunk! How he got his hands on the Golden Age Batmobile, we'll never know.


Superman is famous for many timeless catchphrases: "Up, up, and away!" "This is a job for...Superman!" And "Leapfrog is a lotta fun! No foolin'!" Geez, if only he had said "Comics oughta be fun! No foolin'!"...well, you'd see that panel in my blog header every day of the year.


Later, after Superman tosses the drunk guy and his car into a black hole and sends him across the universe (ironically founding the Drunk Lantern Corps), the Man of Steel, the Hero of Tomorrow, the Metropolis Ace gets clipped by a hit 'n' run driver. Oh man if you think he was mad at the radio station...


Superman chooses to use psychological warfare, thus proving he has read The Art of War, or maybe he's read Michael Fleischer's Spectre comics, by frightening the bejeezus out of the hit and run driver. In this blog I frequently ask "Where do you buy a green suit?", but of more concern to this guy is "Where do I buy clean underwear?"


At last it can be told: the true reason Detroit's auto industry failed: Superman killed it. Me, I'd like to think he spared the Mustang, but hey, who needs the competition in the category of "muscle"?


Not content on wrecking the unsafe cars, Superman destroys the entire car factory. Because, you know, if there's one thing that Superman hates in his seventy-five year history, it's restraint. (Also: imps.)


And now, a comedy callback to the radio station!:


The man of action (pun intended) that he is, Mayor McTropolis calls it a day and decides to head out to his summer home on Long Island Shuster Island. Say, where do you buy a green car? ...oh wait, that doesn't actually work.


Suddenly: SUPERMAN FIRE DRILL! because, you know, no matter how much he tears up Metropolis, Superman vehemently opposes usage of the racial epithet "Chinese fire drill." And HE WILL KILL YOU IF YOU SAY THAT.


Man, this is the weirdest version of A Christmas Carol I've ever seen.


NOW GAZE UPON THE DISMEMBERED BODIES OF ACCIDENT VICTIMS! Wow, Superman is slight less subtle in his early appearances. With this demeanor, I find it hard to believe he didn't fly to Berlin, grab Hitler, tar and feather him, and then drop him from fifteen thousand feet into Krakatoa, East of Java. It's Hitler, Superman!


Now, if'n I was writing this story, it would be a fifteen-part crossover with Superman comics and World's Finest and maybe even pop up over in Marvel Mystery, but Supes wraps it up with a moral taught to the mayor. Another subtle victory of sly finesse by Superman! And almost no one was accidentally killed!


The Mayor was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Jim Olsen, who did not die from being run over by a Dusenberg, he was a second father. He became as good a driver, as good a parker, and as good a directional signaller, as the good old city of Metropolis knew, or any other good old city , town, or borough, in the good old Earth-2.

And then...WAH WAH WAH COMEDY ENDING


So: Golden Age Superman. His last name was -L, he worked for George Taylor, and he grew up in an orphanage. And whatever else you say about him, he made the cars run on time.

365 Days of DC House Ads, Day 175: I thought that baby had a mustache

House ad for Black Magic (1973 DC series) #1 (October-November 1973); Weird Worlds [Ironwolf] #8 (November-December 1973 ); and Shazam! (1973 series) #6 (October 1973); printed in Secrets of Sinister House #14 (October 1973)

Here's that weirdly disturbing—heck, outright scary—Captain Marvel photomontage infinity cover:


Infinity cover to Shazam! (1973 series) #6 (October 1973), pencils and inks by C. C. Beck, photograph by Jack Adler
AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Kim Thompson (1956-2013)

Kim Thompson, co-publisher of Fantagraphics, has been much on my mind since he passed away last week, but I haven't been able to write about him until now—thoughts come much easier than words. These are words I wish I hadn't had to write.

I first met Kim in 2001, and I worked with him in the publishing industry through 2008. It was a grand education. Mention "Fantagraphics" and generally the first person who comes to mind is Gary Groth, often described as the comic industry's bête noire: his take-no-prisoners attitude, his gleeful refusal to suffer fools gladly, and his bombastic energy are legendary—so I was surprised as i got to know Gary better and found him to be, if not a pussycat, then one of the nicest, smartest men in comics I've ever had a chance to know, a man who has had a respect for the knowledge of publishing I brought to the Fantagraphics table and a patience to teach me the Fanta way. I say this all about Gary with a great admiration and thanks to Gary because, as Kim's passing reminds me, I'd much rather say these things while the person is around than afterwards.

Kim was the quieter partner of the two, but you would never mistake any placidness for a lack of passion or energy. (And, I'm reminded, Kim could be pretty delightfully bombastic as well.) From him I learned a love and respect of the large line of acclaimed Fantagraphics books and comic. Many—in fact, by sheer nature of the concept of sales, most—of these were never strong sellers, but it captivated me to hear him speak and express his admiration and appreciation of many comics I'd never heard of, but Kim's endorsement was enough to get me to give them a try. Especially in the field of European comics, there are few others who have his knowledge, and this will be sorely missed. He taught me the intricacies of translation, the love of European "fine line" style, and he got me, a lifelong Asterix snob, to finally read and treasure every volume of Tintin. I learned a lot from him, and I'm proud to have done so and to have been his friend if only for a short time.


And...because even now I can't resist tweaking him a bit...never, never forget that even though he knew more about Hergé, Jacques Tardi and Lewis Trondheim than all of us put together...never forget that he was also once a Marvel fan.


Letter printed in The Amazing Spider-Man #144 (May 1975)



Letter printed in Kull the Conqueror #11 (November 1973)



Letter printed in The Incredible Hulk v.2 #185 (March 1975)


I intended to post these to tease Kim about his humble teenage fandom, and I missed my chance. I'll miss Kim very much, too.


Oh! And so, while I have the chance:


Letter printed in Thor #162 (May 1968)

—John

Bear Attack! Month, Day 24: The true origin of bears' craving for the taste of human flesh

Panels from Classics Illustrated Junior #508 [Golidlocks and the Three Bears] (May 1954), creators unknown
Now, at this point in the story, Golidlocks tries to remember if bears are more afraid of you than you are of them, and she tries to make herself bigger to startle them away, but eventually she runs away into the forest screaming and howling in terror, stampeding into trees and giving herself such a traumatic experience that she'll be dealing with it in therapy for ages, perhaps in group right alongside Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel. At least, that's the way I've been told the story by Mama Bull, and you probably have too, and that's where it ends, right?

Not in the Classics Illustrated version. Here Mrs. Goldilocks's Mama consults her Emily Post and writes a beautifully calligraphed note of apology in a quick effort to stave off an impending legal injunction against her daughter.


And then they all had breakfast together and were very good friends. WHAT THE FABLES?!?

Why, everybody knows that it happened like this:

Ten of a Kind: Everybody Hates Superboy

(More Ten of a Kind here.)

365 Days of DC House Ads, Day 174: But that trick never works

House ad for Mister Miracle (1971 series) #19 (September 1977); printed in Batman #291 (September 1977)
Ad art by Marshall Rogers

On hiatus since March 1974's Jack Kirby-written and drawn issue #18, Mister Miracle returned with issue #19 in September 1977. It lasted 7 more issues and was cancelled a year later.

Today in Comics History: The "Pickles the Clown Will Write Your Child a Surprise Letter" company goes bankrupt

Panels from Nightwing (1995 limited series) #1 (September 1995), script by Dennis O'Neil, pencils by Greg Land, inks by Mike Sellers, colors by Cathi Bertrand, letters by John Costanza

Bear Attack!: Month, Day 23: The Avengers can't bear it

Panels from Avengers #119 (January 1974), script by Steve Englehart, pencils by Bob Brown, inks by Don Heck, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Artie Simek