Well, you know that it's going to be all right/When we go shopping

I'm in the money, I'm in the money... Oh, hi! I didn't see you there! I just got my weekly paycheck (from selling copies of Grit magazine ("Grit: celebrating rural America since 1882"). So yes, that jingling and jangling you here...that's cold, hard, American cash burnin' a hole in my little pocket! (Also, my Tinkerbell video game.) Let's go buy some cool stuff, shall we? And there's no place better way to spend my $4.44 than to head into midtown Manhattan, hop on the 6 train and get off at 42nd Street and Madison Avenue. Look up at that skyscraper towering above us...that's the fabulous Baxter Building, home of the world's most amazing quartet of superheroes, the Fantastic Four! And just like all great sightseeing venues like the Louvre, the Taj Mahal, and that Texas restaurant where Ben Grimm once ate a 72 ounce steak just to get his name on the wall...there's a gift shop. In this case, the fabulous and frantic Fantastic Store!:


Panels from Fantastic Four #503 (November 2003), script by Mark Waid, pencils by Howard Porter, inks by Norm Rapmund, colors by Matt Milla, letters Rus Wooton
Step inside this amazing fantastic shop, and manually widen your eyes in wonder at the incredible fantastic souvenirs and other uncanny fantastic loot your hard-earned wampum will buy! Why, I want one of those back-scratchers in the shape of Ben Grimm's crusty paw, and a bottle of "Sue Storm Invisible Bath Beads," and what visit to The Fantastic Store is complete without picking up your very own Willie Lumpkin action figure?



What's that? You say you can't make it to The Fantastic Store, because you're cut off from Manhattan by secretly invading Skrull armadas, a rogue Negative Zone eruption, or maybe you're just plain not on Earth-616? Have no fear, Bully's here! With The Fantastic Store Online...all the finest trinkets, toys, souvenirs and shi stuff that Johnny Storm hurriedly stamped "approved" because he was late for his date with Amy Winehouse! (Remember kids...alcohol and open flames don't mix!). Get your mouse a-revvin' and limber up your clickin' finger to buy some Fantastic Four merchandise. Remember...and I cross my little satin heart here...everything you see is exactly as it's currently titled and pictured on Amazon.com. they may be goofy, mis-conceived, titled incorrectly or displayed on Amazon with the wrong image...they're all weirder than the Impossible Man, but they're all as real as Stan Lee. (Click on the links if'n you don't believe me!) You can't make up this stuff, folks!

Stuff like this:

"Fantastic Four Mini Busts Triple Pack"

Hey, let's do three busts of the Fantastic Four...and leave out the one guy that most people like the best! That's a sure seller!



"Comic Book Metal Tin Sign Marvel Fantastic Four"

Wha' th'...? This is no "tin sign!" And has The Invisible Girl suddenly become The Dazzler?



"Fantastic Four #1"

Fantastic Four #1...for only $5.95?!? Wow, sign me up for that...oh. Ohhh.



"Marvel Masterworks: The Fantastic Four #61-71 + Annual #5"

Oh, it's so cute...this graphic novel comes with it's own little Mini-Me!



"Marvel Comics Collector's Edition The Fantastic Four Volume 2"

Now that's an appropriate image for the cover of a kid's videotape. No wonder the box itself is shouting NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



"Custom Photo Plate - Fantastic Four Photo Plate - Customize Your Fantastic Four Photo Plate With Your Favorite Photo"

Let's face it, kids...you'll never get to eat breakfast with the Fantastic Four...not even when your mom puts your photo on a personalized plate that guarantees you to be the saddest little FF fan around! Because your mom loves you enough to buy you a dinner dish from a company called "Healthy Happy Pet Net"!



"The Fantastic Four: Belgian Aerobic Showdown"

Remember that period in the 1990s when the Hulk, Ghost Rider, Wolverine and Spider-Man replaced the FF? They've got nuthin' on these guys. Calling Marvel's legal department...



"Fantastic 4 Series III 6" Figure: Clobberin' Time Thing"

It's FLASHERIN' TIME!



"Fantastic 4 Series IV 6" Figure: Sping Attack Mr. Fantas"

Okay, who doesn't hear an accordion going huh-haw, huh-haw, huh-haw when you see this thing?



"Fantastic 4 Child's Costume Accessory Boots Boot Covers"

Oh, yes, we swear that this is absolutely an authentic Fantastic Four costume accessory! It's definitely not just a generic product we're trying to brand to tie-in to a motion picture, no sir!



"The Fantastic Four Plug And Play Video Game"

Why aren't they making this video game controller for the Wii?



"Fantastic Four Mr. Fantastic Infant Costume: Size 12-18 months"

I think we all remember the issue of FF where Reed was transformed into an African American infant. (Truth to tell, I just thought this one was relentlessly cute!)



"Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer by Unknown. ART PRINT ON CANVAS with 3/4 inch deep bars. 11.00 inches width by 17.00 inches height. Highest Quality Art Poster Print"

Mel Brooks is "Mister Fantastic!” Dom Deluise is "The Thing!" Marty Feldman is "The Human Torch!" And Madeline Kahn is "The Invisible Girl!" They're all Jewish and all hiliarious!



"Fathead Fantastic Four The Thing Wall Décor"

Thing! Stop jumping on the bed!



"Mask of Dr. Doom 1/1 Scale Replica"

What If™...Victor von Doom was a 1960s Doctor Who monster?



"Fantastic Four Bob Bag"

"But Mommy, that's not the Thing!" "Shut up and punch your balloon."



"Premiere Collection: Formalwear Sue Storm 12" Statue"

And finally...we reach the point at which it doesn't matter whether you officially license a character or just churn out some generic crap in a factory and call it an official tie-in product.

So, if you've ever been wondering how the FF could ever go bankrupt...



Now you know...the rest of the story.

365 Days with Ben Grimm: Day 27

Panel from MAD #456 (August 2005), by Johnny Ryan

Mystery Science Monday: Talk Soup Theater 3000

The cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 meets "Señor Sock" from Talk Soup



Mike and the Bots riff on The Jerry Springer Show on Talk Soup

365 Days with Ben Grimm: Day 26

Panels from Fantastic Four #118 (January 1972), script by Archie Goodwin, pencils by John Buscema, inks by Jim Mooney, letters by Sam Rosen

365 Days with Ben Grimm: Day 25

Panel from Fantastic Four Annual #6 (November 1968), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Joe Sinnott, letters by Sam Rosen

Ten of a Kind: No no no no, I don't read comics no more/I'm tired of waking up on the floor

(More Ten of a Kind here.)

Separated at Birth: Fishnets, fishnets, roly poly fishnets

L: Flash Comics #92 (February 1948), art by Carmine Infantino
R: Detective Comics #554 (September 1985), art by Klaus Janson
(Click picture to Big Bird-size)

365 Days with Ben Grimm: Day 24

Panels from Marvel Feature #12 (January 1982), script by Mike Friedrich, pencils by Jim Starlin, inks by Joe Sinnott, colors by Linda Lessmann, letters by Mike Royer

Saturday Morning Cartoon: The Beatles "Penny Lane"

The Beatles "Penny Lane" (1967), directed by Jack Stokes and featuring the voices of Lance Percival and Paul Frees
Read more about The Beatles cartoon here

365 Days with Ben Grimm: Day 23

Panels from Fantastic Four #238 (January 1982), written and pencilled by John Byrne, inked by terry Austin, colored by Bob Sharen, lettered by Joe Rosen

16 More Marvel Masterpieces!

Remember the days when all you needed to advertise a comic book was a snazzy cover...or four?


from Marvel comics cover dated September 1965


from Marvel comics cover dated October 1965


from Marvel comics cover dated November 1965


from Marvel comics cover dated December 1965

365 Days with Ben Grimm: Day 22

Panels from Ultimate Fantastic Four #42 (July 2007), written by Mike Carey, penciled and inked by Pascal Ferry, colored by Justin Ponsor, lettered by Rus Wooton

Esquire: Man at His Swingingest.

Hey, it's Clint Eastwood, the man so tough Chuck Norris calls him 'Dad,' on the cover of the January 2009 Esquire magazine. I'm allowed to read a few magazines made for grown-up folks, and Esquire is one of them, partly because of the incisive political and cultural reporting, partly for the style, cooking, automobile and fine living tips, but mostly for the incredible babes.

One of my favorite sections in Esquire is the monthly "What I've Learned" feature, where a celebrity passes on life lessons he or she thinks are important and helpful details useful for enjoying life, the people around you, and your world to its fullest. It's always fun to see what life lessons, say, Larry Hagman or Shelley Long have to pass onto a little stuffed bull. (Mostly: take care of your liver, and what was I thinking leaving network television's highest rated sitcom?!?, in that order.)

January's Esquire was therefore fifty times as fun to this little stuffed reader when I opened it to discover this is an all-"What I've Learned" feature issue. Not one, not two, not seventeen, but fifty people in entertainment, sports, politics, literature, and everyday life were spotlighted, every man and woman Jack and Jackie of 'em contributing a big-ass overflowing cornucopia of home-spun wisdom that not only do they take, they can dish out. Why fifty? Because each contributor represents a different state in the USA, so it's like a all-country road-trip with fifty great people riding shotgun. (And you can read it sitting on the toilet.) California provides cover boy Clint Eastwood, Nevada Wayne Newton, North Caroline Charlie Daniels, Indiana Larry Bird, Iowa Cloris Leachman, Alaska Sarah Palin a polar bear hopped up on fermented salmon.

Hey, let's see who's repping my favorite state, the place I live, the Empire State, the state that is so great they hired Stan Lee to write their state motto: New York. Which inspirational person will be representing New York, I wonder?:



Wha... Huh... Uh... Ummmm... Wha... Noooooooo.. No, Esquire magazine. Paris Hilton is not allowed to be the public face of lessons learned from New York. I simply will not let this happen. This will not stand! Especially with life lessons like

• Having a nightclub in your house really helps for a party, because then you don't need to go out.
• Things may seem to naturally come my way. But I work hard for them too. I have good karma.
• I put pheromones in a lot of my fragrances, and that attracts people to you. My new fragrance is called Fairy Dust. I'm dressed kind of like Tinkerbell.

No! Nein! Non! Nyet!

Okay, Bully, deep breath. If there's one thing Mama Bull taught you...a "what I've learned" of my own...is that bulls don't just sit back and lament mishaps when they can be fixed. A bull is an animal of decision and action. And tho' I may be a very little stuffed bull, I'm handy with a scanner, and the internet, and Adobe Photoshop Elements for Bulls 5.0. All I had to do was scratch my little fluff-filled head and come up with the name of a person synonymous with New York, whose very existence makes New York a better, happier, safer and funner place every single day of the year. After I came up with that person, the rest was easy as pie.

So pick up your copies of Esquire Volume 151, Number 1, tear out pages 80 and 81, crumple them in a ball and toss them out the window or at those pesky squirrels in your back yard, and replace them carefully with this new improved version of a New York celebrity telling us what he's learned that I made up for you:

(Click picture to Big Apple-size)

There we go. Much improved. Now, let's see who's on the next page. Ah, Florida, who will you...JEB BUSH?!? NOOOOOOOOO!

Okay, don't panic, folks. I've got this thing under control.

365 Days with Ben Grimm: Day 21

Panel from Marvel Two-in-One Annual #4 (1979), plot by Allyn Brodsky, script by David Michelinie, layouts by Jim Craig, finished art by Bob Budiansky and Bruce Patterson, colors by "George Bell" (George Roussos), letters by Irving Watanabe (Letters).

Waiting on the wire and I'm ragged to the bone/Mr. Rockefeller, won't you please pick up the phone?

Happy Inauguration Day! As a spirit of newfound hope, brotherhood, unity and free ice cream sundaes for all hammers out all over this land, all over this land, take a moment to reflect on our hard work and great brotherhood in getting Mr. Obama elected to the White House! And remember, altho' change may be gradual in coming and uphill work, at least we didn't elect a member of the Legion of Evil Presidents! That's right—we avoided the deadly trap of bringing to power one of history's major Presidential villains: Andrew Jackson! James Buchanan! Grover Cleveland! Grover Cleveland, again! William Howard "The Blob" Taft! Richard Nixon! The Bush Boys! Charles Logan! Guy "Whitey" Corngood! Victor von Doom! Johnny Gentle! Lancelot R. Gilligrass! Lex Luthor! Carolyn Reynolds! Richard Nixon's Head! And...Nelson D. Rockefeller!

What's that? (you ask in your best William Dozier voice). A pernicious president previously punctuated by peril? To which I reply: Don't practice your alliteration on me! And to which I add, that's right, true Bull-lievers! Rocky was president of the United States...on good old Earth-712! Which, as anybody knows, is just a hop, skip and a jump away from Earth-616 (actually...counting on my hooves...it's actually only ninety-six tears hops from Marvel-Earth), which is how, after a bumpy Quinjet ride in which the Beast filled up everybody's Stark International sick bags, the Avengers found themselves in Avengers #147 on the earth of...The Squadron Supreme! (duh duh duh!)


from Avengers #147 (Marvel, May 1976), script by Steve Englehart, pencils by George Pérez, inks by Vince Colletta, colors by Petra Goldberg, letters by Denise Wohl
So, the question is, of course: What if you could travel to parallel worlds? The same year, the same Earth, only different dimension. Now the only problem is...finding a way back home. Which, you gotta admit, would be a cool concept for a TV series. But for the Avengers, it's a very dangerous prospect, because this isn't their world, where funnyman Chevy Chase is not America's beloved 38th President of the United States:


No...the US President of Earth-712 is...oh wait, I gave away the surprise in the two paragraphs ago. It's Nelson Rockefeller!


And he's going to a hat party, where his will be the grandest of all! Oh wait, on second glance that's the infamous Serpent Crown, one of those evil Avengersy Macguffins that can reshape the universe in the image of its wearer! So basically, it's a Cosmic Cube you can put on your head.

Wearing that cobra-chapeau, Rocky's got the United States of his world under his wrinkled, green-ink stained little thumb, until your pal and mine, that sensational synthezoid The Vision plucks it off his head in a hardball game of Political Keep-Away. Now whose approval ratings are through the roof, Nel-stone? Huh? Huh?


Rockefeller of course springs into action, forming Voltron calling together his world's version of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes, the Squadron Supreme, who are just plain happy they haven't been retconned as naked by J. Michael Straczynski yet. Then, in his most startling plan ever, Rockefeller summons all the sea life around him, calling upon the power and strength of his finny friends! At least that's what I think he's doin'. Hey, your guess is as good as mine.


Englehart pauses to let us know that as Earth-712 falls, so does Earth-616! Or some such technobabble. Basically, all the Serpent Crowns in all the worlds are connected, which must make it easier to find if you drop one behind the sofa, but at the same time has got to be a major pain if you want to return it for credit at Marshall Field's. This, therefore, is the secret of the Serpent Crown: embarrassing black acne down the middle of your face! And, half of your glasses fall off.


As the Vision flies overhead with the captured Crown, we're reminded that this is an earth without a Richard Nixon...but with fabulous sunbathing babes in bikinis. Frankly, I'm not seeing the downside of alternate history, here.


As usual, it's Captain America who cuts through the bull-hockey to suss out just what's wrong with this universe. Without the Watergate scandal to tear this nation apart and provide Dan Ackroyd with a chance to do his killer Tricky Dick impression, this is the frightening nightmare world that would result! (But, don't forget: bikinis.)

By the way, editor Marv Wolfman (arrrrrroooooooo!) reminds us, in his best Roy Thomas impression, that if we wanna know what happened with Cap and the Secret Empire, we need to pick up a back issue of Captain America #175, and all the recent local papers to read up on the news. Make sure you head down to your local comic shop, kids, where they've got the last three years of your newspaper in near-mint condition, bagged and boarded at marked-up "Whip Inflation Now" prices!


Meanwhile, The Vizh foolishly leaves the Serpent Crown with The Scarlet Witch, who's spends the time caressing the Crown while she rehearses for her role as Gollum in The Wundagore Repertory Dinner Theater production of The Lord of the Rings.


Yep, Wanda has no history of going nutzoid and attacking her comrades. Nope, she's as level-headed as any mutant whose fictional babies were used as puzzle pieces by a demon servant of the devil while her husband was being disassembled just to see if he really had that "bobbing drinking bird" mechanism inside him. Oh, wicked Wanda! She'll never snap and mow down half the Avengers...she's too down to Earth!


By the time the next ish rolls around one month later, we've entirely forgotten what's going on, and in fact are kinda hoping Thor is in this issue. No such luck. The splash page of #148 reminds us that, oh, yeah, those Squadron Supreme yahoos are in this story, too:


from Avengers #148 (Marvel, June 1976), script by Steve Englehart, pencils by George Pérez, inks by Sam Grainger, colors by Hugh Paley, letters by Tom Orzechowski
Just who are these Supreme-o's? Why does Marvel keep using them? What's the joke here? Well, maybe you might recognize them if I did...this!:


That's right...hee hee hee...they're the...sigh...Justice League of America. Oh, what witty parody! What clever satire! What delicious pastriche! What...oh god...(breaks down, weeping)

Just in case you didn't realize they're a parody of the Justice League, let's peek in on...oh dear..."Lady Lark" and "The Golden Arches." They bicker and quibble about politics and society and how "dangerous" Golden...sorry, Golden Archer is. In the next panel, they find out that "Fasty," Golden Archer's ward, is a dirty stinking junkie, and in the issue after that "GA" and "LL" move to "Sea-Attul" to open a "shrubbery" shop. Oh, the hiliarity.


Meanwhile, Steve Englehart suddenly remembers he's got to keep the plot moving, so after a lot of rushing back and forth hither and thither and to a fro, we check in at the "White House"...which is this universe's version of the White House...to find Rockefeller lecture the Squadron Supreme. Apparently there's some sort of 'fiscal crisis' and the 'dollar' is getting weaker every 'day,' so that's a sure way you can tell this is set in an alternate nightmare universe where black is white and up is down and giraffes are Thompson's gazelles:


Then, suddenly, Rockefeller pulls off a rubber mask and he's The Beast! Whoa! I did not see that dramatic turn of events coming!


All's more or less well that ends well as the Avengers regroup to escape back to their world, but not before George Pérez gives us a shot of Nelson Rockefeller tied up and in his underwear. Oh, thank you George. Thank you so very, very much.


So! I hope you've learned your lesson from all this, folks. If you don't vote, you just might wind up with a rubber-headed mutant as your president in a world full of sunbathers and then Kevin Smith of Earth-712 will think he can write a Golden Archer comic book. So don't let that happen. Instead, vote for the good guys just like you smartly did in November. It's a hard road ahead, but it's nice to have hope in this grand country of ours, a nation where anyone can dream of growing up to become President:

365 Days with Ben Grimm: Day 20

Panel from Marvel Two-in-One #99 (May 1983), script by Bill Mantlo, pencils by Bob Hall, inks by Kevin Dzuban, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Rick Parker