Love Actually in (Sorta) Real Time: Four Weeks to Christmas

Despite my lateness with this post, technically, it's still 4 weeks to Christmas, and Prime Minister David is worried. What's he worried about?



Is he worried about shopping on the High Street, seeing as there are only (technically) 28 shopping days left until Christmas, and all the good buys at W. H. Smith, Mark and Spencer's, and Oddbins will be sold out by the time he gets his primarily ministerial arse in gear? No! Is he worrying about the delightful Natalie and how he's become instantly attracted to her? Well, probably, but not mainly. Is he worrying that he has no scenes in this movie opposite Keira Knightley? Well, no, because that's what I would be worrying about.

What David is concerned with is the upcoming visit to the UK by the American President (special uncredited guest star to be named later). While his Cabinet ministers strongly suggest that he make a strong stand to prove their independence from the American Eagle, David's hesitant: he's new at his job and needs that powerful ally from across the pond. "I'm not going to act like a petulant child," he explains, much to the disappointment of his Cabinet.



No doubt at this moment they would have leapt across the table and started beating him with those lovely crystal goblets (courtesy of Tutbury Crystal, I'm guessing), but he's saved by the bell belle—the entrance of Natalie, to be precise, bringing tea and a smile:



...and definitely turning the PM's mind from thoughts of affairs of state to...well, other affairs, I s'pose:



Later, Natalie brings tea (and delicious, yummy, chocolate biscuits) to David in his office. Gosh. Keira Knightley is wonderful, but she had better start bringing people yummy, scrumptious desserts in this movie to start competing with Natalie! Mmmm, choc biscuits.



Like any right-thinking person, David's very, very pleased to see chocolate biscuits arriving. Or maybe he's just happy to see Natalie. Since this movie is not entitled Chocolate Biscuits Actually, I'm guessing it's the latter.



After a brief interlude where Jack and Judy (the two movie body doubles) have some small talk about the Prime Minister (while performing nude in scenes I can't show off on this blog), we catch up again with Colin and Tony in Colin's sandwich delivery van. My goodness, no wonder I like this movie so much—there's multiple scenes of people bringing other people food! Colin's hit upon a solution to his strike-outs with women: he's bought himself a plane ticket to America, and he's leaving in three weeks, a schedule useful for those of you tracking this movie in (sorta) real time. Colin's heading, as he says, to "a fantastic place called...Wisconsin!"



Looks like Colin has forgotten all about his frost "future wife" Mia, and good riddance to cold fish! Speaking of which, let's check in at Fairtrade, and see what's going on: Harry, with Mia's help, is planning the office Christmas party. (The fact that it's not been canceled for budgetary reasons tells you immediately that as timeless as story as it in, Love Actually does not take place in 2008.)



There's a couple half-baked theories I have about Richard Curtis's direction of Love Actually and this is one of them: watch the actors' eyes and line of sight to check the relationships between them. Just like you could draw a perfect line, even without using your trusty straight-edge and a marker, between Mark's camera and the object of his affection, watch Mia's eyes in this scene—she follows Harry's every step. Mia's got a bit of a crush too, it seems, on her boss.

Even though Love Actually is a movie that cheerfully greets the suggestion of office romances with an enthusiastic "thumbs up," there's something a little bit calculating and...well, wrong about Mia's attention to Harry. Exactly what, we won't find out, but for the moment, Harry's focused on the party and its guests, asking Mia "You haven't got some horrible six-foot, tight-t-shirt wearing boyfriend you'll be bringing, have you?"



"No," smiles Mia, gazing at Harry forcefully. "I'll just be hanging round the mistletoe...hoping to be kissed."



Ah-ooga! Ah-ooga! Danger, Alan Rickman, danger!

The first part of Love Actually introduced the characters and their situations; this second week continues their stories, opens up the stage and expands the complications of love. Not every storyline is continued in this week's scenes (Keira! Where are you this week? Get back from your honeymoon!), but Curtis does a solid job of pacing and spacing the various storylines. We'll see them start to spin together in next week's installment, but for the moment, friends Karen and Daniel discuss the loss of Daniel's wife...



...and—more pressing at the moment—Daniel's young stepson Sam's withdrawal from communication and interaction. He's locked himself in his room, seldom emerging, "And when he sometimes does come out," Daniel explains, "it's obvious he's been crying."



Karen consoles Daniel's twin troubles with a kind word and an Emma-Thompsony pat on the shoulder: "Get a grip. People hate sissies. No one's ever going to shag you if you cry all the time."

Also,totally excellent choice of breakfast cereal, Daniel! I'm so coming over to your place for brekkies.



Daniel takes Sam out on the South Bank of the Thames for a walk and a talk. It's a lovely vista that sets up the scene: St. Paul's Cathedral and the still-under-construction Swiss Re building in the background. It's one of my favorite places in London and one of the most beautiful views of this city:




Speaking of pretty background sights, check out the redhead in jeans and the long coat in the scene above. She crosses behind Daniel and Sam's bench and disappears off screen past them:



...and emerges again to pass by them once more when the scene shifts angle to focus on Daniel and Sam. Hey! Continuity person! I think she's the one who stole Hugh Grant's tie!



Daniel's understandably worried about Sam's problem and talks to him kindly and honestly to try and help him out. Is it drugs? Is it bullies? Is it that weird red-headed lady who keeps following him everywhere? No, says Sam: "The truth is, actually...I'm in love."



Daniel's clearly relieved and also a bit amused. "Aren't you a little bit young to be in love?" he asks.



"No." says Sam, firmly.



The following exchange is short and pointed and one of my favorite in the movie. And it sums up the whole film pretty well on its own (not to mention that Kelly Clarkson song from the soundtrack):



Sam and Daniel aren't the only persons in the film who know the total agony of being in love, of course. Cut to Sarah, working late in the Fairtrade offices. (Note the photograph on her desk. We'll meet him later.)



Karl finishes his work day and shuts down the office lights...



...as Sarah watches his every move. There's that absolute adoring direction of vision again:



"Night, Sarah," Karl says.



"Night, Karl!" she replies, mock-cheerfully, ultra-casual.



The second Karl leaves, Sarah's ever-present mobile phone rings, and with an exasperated grimace, she answers with the same sort of mock-cheerful voice: "Yup, absolutely...I'm free as a bird. Fire away."



Who Sarah's speaking to will have to wait (golly, ain't this all so exciting!\ Can you stand the anticipation?), because with one swift film edit, we're out of London and away to the Continent: a farmhouse in France, to be precise.



I have no photographs of me in France so I'll just content you with this film still of Jamie sighing as he sits down in his French farmhouse vacation home. Cheating Girlfriend is conspicuous by her absence, or, as Jamie sighs aloud, in the words of that great poet Gilbert O'Sullivan: "Alone again. Naturally."



As the week starts to wind down, let's skip merrily back to Number 10 Downing Street for another visit to everyone's favorite romantic Prime Minister, Harriet Jones David...



...who's trying to get to know Natalie a little better.



In addition to the line-of-eyesight theory I have (which is probably nothing more than Acting 101: Look at the person you're in love with), I've also got another theory about Richard Curtis's filmmaking: his films are very thin at one end, bigger in the middle, and then...wait a minute, that's the wrong theory.

I've noticed when I've been trying to take screen shots that it's occasionally difficult to capture a scene's two characters in the same shot at the same time. Curtis generally places a camera on one and cuts to the camera on the other. For example, in this whole scenes, there's only a fraction of a second when David and Natalie are in the frame together at the same time:



You see this same technique in the previous scene with Sarah and Karl: quick cuts back and forth to middle shots of each of them, but no single scene with the two of them together. Not yet, at least. Again, it's kind of basic filmmaking, but I like the subtlety and gentle physical suggestion that this technique sends to the audience—mostly subconsciously, as I've seen Love Actually dozens of times and hadn't noticed it until I was trying to capture stills. Characters who are not yet emotionally connected, who are...for lack of a better phrase, dancing the dance of love...don't appear in the same frame together for many of their one-on-one scenes. Sam and Daniel, however, already a family and already greatly connected by the bonds of love despite the loss of Jo, are easily framed in the same screen.

It's a rough and easily disproved theory, of course: David and Natalie appear in the same frame in their first meeting (although it quickly switches to single-shots), and Jack and Judy can't be anything but filmed together...frequently without their clothes on. But it gives me something to look for in subsequent scenes, and it highlights the physical as well as emotional distance two characters must close before they can truly be a romantic couple.

Or, I could be being dazzled by Keira Knightley and British Frosted Flakes.

In the meantime, David's flirting a bit with Natalie: finding out that she lives in Wandsworth ("the dodgy end"). In a bit of Wodehousean coincidence that really isn't, David's sister also lives in Wandsworth. He poses a charmingly awkward question about her living arrangements in order to find out if she has a boyfriend. She doesn't: she's just broken up with her boyfriend because he said she was getting fat. "He said no one's going to fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a nice guy actually, in the end." David points out that, as Prime Minister, he's got the SAS at his beck and call, and he could just have her ex assassinated at a phone call. Must be nice!



After Natalie leaves, David turns to his left and asks "Did you have this kind of problem?..."



"...Of course you did, you saucy minx."



Sam spills the beans on the object of his affection: the most popular, beautiful, talented and coolest girl in school. "Well," muses Daniel. "Basically, you're fucked, aren't you?"



And finally...I know you were wondering what happened to him...let's check in with aging popster Billy Mack, who's now appearing on that popular British TV show, Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway...

[EDIT: Boisterous Bully booster Nicholas Yankovec points out in the comments that this show isn't Saturday Night Takeaway:

...with the inclusion of a child audience it's either SMTV or CD:UK, both Saturday morning children's shows presented by Ant and Dec, which always featured interveiws with pop acts and competitions for the kids giving away the performer's stuff.

And Nicholas oughta know...he's from Ipswitch. I'm guessing it's supposed to be SMTV: CD:UK didn't start until September 2003, only a couple months before Love Actually, so the timing is better for the show to be SMTV, which ran until December 2003. My persistent emails to Ant & Dec settle the matter remain unanswered, so Nicholas gets a Bull-Prize for his keen eye and his knowledge of the Ant-&-Dec-ology. Ta very much, Nicholas! Now, let's have that paragraph again, corrected:

And finally...I know you were wondering what happened to him...let's check in with aging popster Billy Mack, who's now appearing on that popular British TV show, SMTV, while Billy's manager Joe watches on a TV monitor off camera.



This is no fictional duo: Ant & Dec are played by themselves (Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly). This duo of popular actors, musicians, and telly presenters are among the best-recognized television personalities in Britain, and virtually nearly unknown here in America. (Can't tell them apart? Ant always stands on the left. Always.) It's not essential that we recognize Messrs. Ant & Dec, though: like other scenes, Curtis gives us just enough info to set the scene: Billy's on a music show promoting his single "Christmas is All Around."



Despite the prologue's assertion that the song is shit, in each subsequent Billy appearance we see the pop single gaining greater public awareness and acceptance, even as the jokes about it continue. Like the Ant & Dec appearance, it's now fairly to a UK audience that Billy's in the running for that most prestigious of Christmastime music-world honors: the chance to have the #1 pop single during the week of Christmas. Since this isn't a music industry tradition in the USA, let's pop over to Wikipedia ("the encyclopedia written by everyone in the world, including yo' mama") to check out what it has to say about Christmas number-one singles in the UK:

Each year, record companies compete for the Christmas number one single spot on the British charts. Having the UK Christmas number one is very prestigious and leads to a lot of media coverage. Since people are buying gifts for the Christmas period, single sales are extremely high in the week before Christmas, and since the Christmas number one is the single with the highest sales, record companies can make sizable profit from trying to get their single to Number One. Many people place bets at a bookmaker's on who will be Christmas number one.

It then goes onto say that "AC/DC ROCKS AND QUIET RIOT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!" which is the sort of incisive and in-depth commentary you only get on Wikipedia.

The Christmas Number One battle is still a major traditional in Britain, although in recent years the winner is frequently the victor of that season's X-Factor TV competition (the UK's version of American Idol). This year the contenders include Glasvegas's "Please Come Back Home" and Victoria Hart's "Santa Baby" cover. But I wouldn't put your money down yet on a winner (even though British bookies offer extensive odds on the Christmas Number One race, because if there's one thing the British 45/CD/MP3/wax cylinder -buying public loves, it's an underdog competing among the top dogs. F'r instance, Billy's up against top pop boy group Blue for the honor of Christmas Number One. What chance does a Christmas novelty song have against the smooth post-adolescent tones of a quartet of heartthrobs? What chance, indeed?

Part of the fun of Saturday Night Takeaway SMTV is the chance for ordinary viewers (like you!) to win fabulous prizes contributed by the great pop star guests on the show, given away by Ant and Dec (or, as Billy puts it—and I've joked in the past on my blog—"Ant or Dec"). Blue has contributed what looks like a pretty sizeable prize package of CDs, DVDs and a framed poster. Billy Mack's contribution is a personalized felt-tip pen.



As Joe watches in dismay, Billy demonstrates how the felt tip pen writes on anything. Even glass.



...and offers an inspirational message for the impressionable kids of the UK:

"Hiya kids...here's an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs.



"...Become a pop star, and they'll give you them for free!"



Aw, what the heck: watch the whole scene! (It's one of my favorite in a movie just chock-full of favorite scenes!



And, as the studio erupts, it's suddenly 3 Weeks to Christmas. Next week, we'll meet the final major player in our love stories, get a glimpse of fresh-from-her-honeymoon Keira Knightley, and a startling cameo appearance by the President of the United States, who's quite a jerkwad. We'll see you again next time then, won't we?

Mister Grimm Goes to London: Now war is declared and battle come down

All this watching Love Actually and reading P. G. Wodehouse (and yes, I do know I'm falling behind on both projects...sheesh, don't rub it in! I'll catch up!) has this little stuffed bull feelin' homesick for his home away from home, my favorite city in the world, the city by the bay, the city that never stops...London. Those of you who've been following my blog for a few years (or who are brave enough to click on the ancient, ancient links in the sidebar) might remember my Christmas holiday to the City of Light Bangers 'n' Mash in 2006. Well, much as I am wishing and hoping and thinking and praying, planning and dreaming each night of London's charms, I won't be going to London this Christmastime. (sniff) Why? Because I haven't saved up enough dimes to make the flight over. Those travel expenses can add up pretty fast, especially when you take the International Priority Air Mail option. Even if you send me over in the special flat rate box! (Be sure to punch some holes in the lid, and stock me up with delicious airline peanuts first!)

Anyway, seein' how's I can't go to London first-hand this holiday, I'm having almost as much fun reminiscing about my favorite city through the clever use of popular entertainment. Yes, I'm reading books about London, watching movies and TV shows about London, I'm eating pork pies and ploughman's lunches. And oh yes, reading Marvel comic books about London.

Marvel comics...about London? Are there such things? Well, of course there are, mate. Right on the top of the big Britty stack is of course a full run of Excalibur, and don't forget those Marvel UK Captain Britain comics...um...and then there's...oh, wait, wait, don't tell me, I know...there's those Thing comics set in London.

If'n you pay attention to the history of Marvel UK, you're probably at least vaguely aware that it brought out some pretty innovative British superhero comics: both original characters as well as new stories featuring the good ol' Marvel gang, new additions to Earth-616 (a term coined by a Brit, lest ye forget), and brand-new licensed (or maybe I should say 'licenced') comics in the Star Wars, Doctor Who and Transformers universes. There were UK comics featuring reprints of lots of the American Marvel heroes, including Spider-Man Comics Weekly, The Daredevils, and...and I am getting to the point of this post...The Thing is Big Ben.

The awkwardly-titled The Thing Is Big Ben premiered in 1984 and lasted a grand total of eighteen weekly issues and a Summer Special before being cancelled. Never fear, British Ben Grimm lovers: Spider-Man Weekly continued reprinting The Thing stories that had been Big Ben's meat and veg.

I've never laid my hand on a copy of this illustrious comics magazine with the double-barreled name, but ishs pop up once in a while on eBay UK, and no Ben Grimm collection is truly complete without one or two, so I better get bidding, haven't I? Which issue to buy, I wonder? Well, choose wisely, because UK magazines and comics often come with free gifts or special extra features inside! As you can spy with your little eye above, ish #1 came with a free hat. And take a butcher's Isle of Wight-ways at issue #4, which spotlights the pop stylings of the original leader of the Frightful Four, Michael Jackson. As I said, choose wisely:



By the bye (as they say across the pond), just why was this mag called The Thing Is Big Ben, aside from the obvious effect of getting tykes to order something at their local newsstand that sounds vaguely like a pornographic magazine? Well, we won't know for sure until Dez Skinn or Neil Tennant writes their tell-all volumes on inside the Marvel UK offices, but it's often surmised it was an attempt by Marvel to trade off popularity on this character:


"Big Ben: The Man with No Time for Crime" (man, that's a great hero name!) was created by Dez Skinn and written by Alan Moore into the Marvelman/Miracleman comic. I have read some of these adventures, and they're a thrill and a hoot (a throot?), despite the ever-changing background and origin story of the hero. Check 'em out if you ever see back issues, and tell 'em Bully sent you.

So! What's all that got to do with the topic of tonight's post (he asks, several dozen column inches down)?

Absolutely nothing. (Say it again!)

That said, Aunt Petunia's blue-eyed baby nephew Benjamin J. Grimm is no stranger to London Town, and that's what we're gonna scope out tonight. Join me as I flip open my well-worn, tea-stained copy of Marvel Two-In-One #29, and get ready to see if the London of Marvel Comics bears any resemblance to the real City by the Thames, or if it's just all made up from watching The Benny Hill Show, in the first installment of the aptly named


(For best results, click here while reading.)

Marvel Two-in-One...aw, heck, let's just call it MTIO from here on in, shall we?...#29 is the first of a several-issue arc that takes Ben Grimm and his vivacious girlfriend Alicia to the British Isles, and although the story starts proper in the previous issue, it only covers the trip to England, and guest-stars the Sub-Mariner as a surly British Air flight attendant who jealously won't run the in-flight movie, Vincent Chase's smash Aquaman. No, let's start out here with The Thing and Miss Thingette already comfortably established in the city I love:

All panels are from Marvel Two-In-One #29 (July 1977), written by Marv Wolfman, penciled by Ron Wilson, inked by Sam Grainger, lettered by John Costanza


Why, I can almost hear the peals of Westminster Tower's famous clock bell, the aptly named "Large Benjamin," and feel the cool cloudy air. As we'll find out in a minute, although it looks like they're directly near the Houses of Parliament, Ben and Alicia are actually in Trafalgar Square. You can certainly see Big Ben from Trafalgar Square—it just doesn't loom as large overhead as it looks here. We'll chalk that up to some poetic licence from the always-dynamic Ron Wilson, and instead ponder this: just where the Sam Scratch did Ben get a newspaper with a photo of Jack Kirby on the back cover?!? The Daily Mail, that ain't!

We get a better look at the tabloid newspaper in the next few panels:



In a medium that more often than not gets its reference material wrong, especially if it's outside of New York City (more specifically, outside a six block radius of Marvel's offices...), Ron Wilson doesn't make any serious gaffes in portraying the London of the late 70s...there's no foggy streets or pearly queens, and probably the most serious slip made in this issue is the paper's headline: no British newspaper would refer to the country as "GB," and probably not even "Great Britain." Here, let's try a slightly more realistic headline torn from the pages of today's Sun:



The reference to the London Underground above is pretty spot-on too: fame don't buy a ride on the Tube. But it doesn't hurt to have a cute face!:



Ron Wilson's pretty spot on as Ben and Alicia continue touring Trafalgar Square, stopping to buy peanuts to feed the pigeons. Now, you can't do that anymore (curse you, Ministry of Health!), but you certainly could in 1977:



And if there's one thing Ben Grimm and I both know, it's that pigeons come runnin' for the delicious taste of peanuts!




The London Routemaster bus, an also-vanished icon of London, is aptly represented by Wilson as it takes Ben and Alicia out of Trafalgar Square. Don't sit on the top floor, Ben!




Here's Ben and Company at London's famous and colorful Piccadilly Circus. That angle on the corner of the illuiminated billboard looks a little sharp to me (it's a much more curvy slope), but, as Ben Grimm would say, you gits the picture:




Now, I'm not exactly certain where in London Shang-Chi: Master of Kung Fu, this issue's special team-up guest-star and the number "two" in Two-in-One, is literally reflecting:



..but he might be hangin' out at Regent's Canal, in the lovely and picturesque Little Venice:



So, I'm pretty chuffed with MTIO #29: it's as bracing as a cup of hot milky tea and as fun as a Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin marathon. And surprise surprise, it actually does a decent job of accurately portraying London, not only in general but many of the sights I've seen on my holidays.

On the other hand, I've been to London several times, and never once have I seen cockney Hydra agents:



So, in conclusion, London: a fun place to visit. And it can be very informative too. I've learned that when you're in London and you want to know what time it is, you just check Big Ben. Hey, Big Ben, what time is it?



No, no, the other Big Ben. Hey, Big Ben: what time is it?

When Captain America throws his mighty shield/His disdain for Mother Nature is revealed

Hello, I'm William Shatner, and welcome to Rescue: 616. This program contains true stories of rescues on Marvel-Earth. All of the 616 calls you will hear are real and documented in actual Marvel Comics. Whenever possible, the actual people involved have helped us reconstruct the events as they happened, and if they were busy or too expensive we just got Simon Williams.

Tonight: When Animals Attack! In darkest Africa, a "white man"...is ruthlessly attacked by a cartoon leopard! Who can save him now? Who can save him now?


Panels from Avengers #16 (May 1965), script by Stan Lee, layouts by Jack Kirby,
pencils and inks by Dick Ayers, letters by Artie Simek

And that's how Captain America got on PETA's Enemies List.

I'm William Shatner, and that was another exciting case from the files of...Rescue: 616, brought to you by Priceline, where you can name your own price for deep discount plane tickets, hotel stays, car rentals, and space travel. This week: airline coach seats to beautiful Latveria for only $23.00! Join us next week on Rescue: 616 when Hawkeye tries to get a kitten out of a tree with an exploding arrow. Until then, stay safe...and keep watching the stars!

Ten of a Kind: Stop all the grandfather clocks, cut off the Bat-Phone

(More Ten of a Kind here.)