from "Gen. Zachary Taylor" in Real Life Comics #29 (Pines, March 1946), creators unknown
I'd imagine you're prepping right now for today's big pop quiz on President Taylor, so I'm here to provide you with all the info you need to ace the test. First up: a one-page summary!
from Life Stories of American Presidents one-shot (Dell, November 1957), pencils and inks by John Buscema
There, that oughta hold your teacher. What? More? Well, if you insist. Because surprisingly, President Zachary "Nobody Knows Me" Taylor was heavily featured in many comics!
from "American Heroes" in Daredevil ("No, not that one") Comics #103 (Lev Gleason, October 1953), creators unknown
First of all, Zachary Taylor was known as "Rough and Ready," not for his controversial Grindr profile
from "Zachary Taylor: Rough and Ready" in True Comics #79 (Parents' Magazine, October 1949), creators unknown
...but because he invented the popular cartoon characters Ruff and Reddy.
Young ZT enjoyed cosplaying Daniel Boone and moping sullenly at the kitchen table with his parents.
Other turn-ons of the future President: killing Native Americans, skinny-dipping, and smirking during promotions.
Later, Zack decided to branch out from killing Native Americans into killing Mexicans, too.
Wait, he called his horse Whitey? That's a little too on the nose.
from "The Army that Wouldn't Be Beaten!" in Battle Action #22 (Marvel/Atlas, April 1956), pencils and inks by Joe Orlando
Like many other popular horses like Trigger, Silver, and Beta Ray Bill, Whitey also appeared in comic books!
HEY, WHITEY!
from "Old Whitey, War Horse in Three Armies" in Gene Autry's Champion #17 (Dell, February 1955), creators uncredited and unknown
The Mexican Army cried "Agh!" as ZT gestured at the air in front of them!
Then came the brooding.
from Real Life Comics #29
It's not so much that Zachary couldn't be beaten, it's probably more than the Mexican Army were just so freaked out by how close he was to that dang white horse.
from Battle Action #22
America loves war (when we win) and America loves a war-winnin' President (which is why we haven't had a President who was a General since Ike).
from Real Life Comics #29
Please note that this winner of the 1948 Presidential Election "never had time to vote" himself, or so he said. Truth is*, he just plum forgot to register.
Actual depiction of Zachary Taylor in his Ambush Bug cosplay from Ambush Bug Nothing Special one-shot (DC, September 1992); plot and pencils by Keith Giffen, script by Robert Loren Fleming; inks by Al Gordon; colors by Anthony Tollin; letters by John Costanza
REGISTER TO VOTE, PEOPLE!
*I made this fact up.
from True Comics #79
Zachary Taylor died a cherry-related death* in 1850. While a nation mourned and returned their cherries to the general store, his head was displayed through a hoop, flanked by flags and an indifferent eagle.
*This one's absolutely true.
Following his death, Zack was pressed flat and turned into a stamp by Colonel Gumm.
Yes, I'm gonna keep using this joke as many times as I can find these president stamp pages.
from DC Comics cover-dated January 1941
Later on, he was brought back to life as a zombie and killed again by Deadpool. As happens.
from Deadpool (2013 series) #4 (March 2013), script by Gerry Duggan & Brian Posehn, pencils and inks by Tony Moore, colors by Val Staples, letters by Joe Sabino
And if we have learned anything at all today about President Zachary Elizabeth Taylor, it's that microfiche is a terrible way to preserve old comic books.
from "Now You Know*" in More Fun Comics #38 (DC, December 1938), text and art by Sheldon Moldoff
Happy birthday, Zack!
*:
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