Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Sunday Tuesday PSA: Drugs Are from Mars, Junkies Are from Venus

It's just another day in the life of Captain America and The New Warriors (remember the 1990s' longest-running title, New Warriors Team-Up?). In a deserted warehouse in Gotham New York, the heroes are battling a quartet of super-powered young criminals...powered by drugggggggs!

Two-page spread from Captain America Goes to War Against Drugs v.2 #3 (1994), script by George Caragonne, pencils by Colleen Doran, Inks by Greg Adams, colors by George Roussos, letters by Rick Parker

(Click picture to addiction-size)

Until it's revealed...wait for it...until it's revealed that the drug lord leader of the super-addicts is an alien. Thanks. Marvel Comics in Association with Drug Free America, for this grim, serious, ultra-realistic portrayal of drug distribution and addiction! What's next...we're going to see that Galactus has bulimia? Oh wait, we really don't want to see that.

Yep, an alien! Operating from an orbiting satellite 22,300 miles above the Earth, the alien druglord disciplines his crew! He's beginning to regret having hired junkies as his aids! See, that's why you should always have your resumé updated and ready to go...with a good CV and a solid work ethic, you could easily rise to the top of a galactic drug pusher ring! Well, it beats being an Alpha Primitive, at least.

Not to mention that his company's bonus structure is based on the strategies from Blake of Glengarry Glen Ross, sending the young supervillains (clockwise from upper right: Kid Robocop, Poison Ivy II: Lily, Young Juggernaut, and Shiva, Jr.) scrambling for their fix. Also, they are probably stealing office supplies, as the stock of Post-It™ notes is dangerous low.

Back at the Warrior-Cave, Cap and the New Warriors survey the stash of drugs while the Warriors explain their personalities through expository dialogue. Hey look, it's everybody's favorite Tidal Teen, Namorita, suggesting a cleverly economic way to cut out the middleman and speed up your business structure! Namorita knows a lot about business, because like last week it appears she's cut a deal to appear in every PSA comic book ever.

Meanwhile, New Warriors member Silhouette discovers that her friend Doreen (or, perhaps, Dorreen) is a junkie! (Silhouette always has all the answers...well, what's her answer to that--?) Well, it's a good thing Doreen is sitting on the cleanest public bathroom floor ever. A big thumbs up to Marvel for introducing a differently-abled hero in Silhouette (she even has a taser in her crutches). A big thumbs down for coloring this half-Cambodian hero as if she's made out of stone. (Well, maybe that's to remind us not to take her for granite.*) Double thumbs down for her Norwegian-grandmother-knitted flocked vest. Let's not even mention her actual civilian name: Silhouette Chord. It's canon, fanboys!

By the end, everybody gets to hit something (Captain America, several times!), and the alien drug lords are driven off the Earth, which raises the question of who's going to keep him from distributing deadly drugs to the teens of Skrullos, Chandilar, and Galador? Eh, no need to worry about that. As the comic asks, is this the end? It's up to you! No, actually, it isn't. That's the end.

Special bonus feature!: Search and find and circle and cross out when you get them wrong these words related to law enforcement! Such as "bribery!" And "fraud!" And..."steno!" Also, find "FCI!" Short for Federal Captain-America Investigations.

Join us next time when Namorita teaches you all about the troubles of smoking! Namely, it's really hard to keep your cigarettes lit underwater.

*I'm so very, very, very sorry.


Delta said...

I laughed real hard at "bribery" and "fraud". Then I scrolled down and saw you weren't joking. Geez.

Jon Jermey said...

Was there REALLY a teenage hero called 'Night Thrasher'? That is just so wrong...

And today's secret CAPCHA word is.. 'illutort' -- that's when you only THINK you've done something wrong.

Kevin Church said...

I thought that huge fight scene had a familiar pose or two.

Erich said...

Terribly ironic to think that this anti-drug book was written by George Caragonne, one of the comics industry's most prominent examples of self-destruction.

See Mark Evanier's column on Caragonne:

matthew. said...

Why did the 90s colourists colour people grey?

Marionette said...

The Galactus bulimia thing - that's basically the running gag for Galactus' daughter Galacta.