Monday, September 14, 2009

Still this house is empty now/There's nothing I can do

Alpha Flight Annual #1Marvel Comic Annuals! Every summer they'd regale us with double-sized action, adventure, thrills and excitement of which our poor little puny human minds could not stand, so that we'd go back to school with our brains wiped, eager and ready to learn about the Taft-Hartley Act. Oh, those wacky guys at Marvel in league with the educators of the leaders tomorrow...how you bent our brains and shattered our senses!

Yes, every Marvel Annual was chock-a-block full of high adventure. On every single page action would leap our at you like a snarling tiger and maul you into shreds of raw lumpy meat! figuratively speaking, of course. Unless you had made the mistake of buying Giant-Size Real Life Tiger Annual #6, complete with leaping, angry tiger. Why, let's grab a Marvel Annual at complete random from the Bully Box o' Comics...slide it carefully out of the Mylar sleeve, that's right...watch out for the bubblegum stuck to the cover...oh, hey, whaddaya know, it's Alpha Flight Annual #1! Our cool and crispy Canadian friends to the north will surely provide us with thrills-a-plenty. If there's anything the Great White North, home of Sergeant Preston, Captain Canuck, and Lorne Greene can give us, it's non-stop thrill-a-page action! So let's flip open Alpha Flight Annual #1 and check out what mind-boggling thrills they have in store for us...

Alpha Flight Annual #1
All panels are from Alpha Flight Annual #1 (May 1986), script by Bill Mantlo, layoputs by Larry Stroman, finishes and inks by Gerry Talaoc, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Janice Chiang

Oh. It's an empty room.

Well, surely the next panel will be exciting and sensation-packed:
Alpha Flight Annual #1

Oh. Another...empty room.

Alpha Flight Annual #1

Ummmm...yeah. Did I pick up Architectural Monthly by accident or...no, no, it is a Marvel Comic. Huh. Well, any minute now, you just watch, some Canadian superhero is gonna come bustin' through that wall, knocking over a rack of maple syrup and...

Alpha Flight Annual #1

Now cut that out!

Alpha Flight Annual #1

Huh. Yeah, this is what the kids enjoy in their comic books...a real estate tour. Now that's what Smilin' Stan founded the Marvel Universe for, right?!?

Alpha Flight Annual #1

Awww, the heck with it. Let's turn the page. There oughta be some action on the next page somewhere...

Alpha Flight Annual #1

So, in conclusion, what have we learned? We have learned that Alpha Flight Annual #1 is low on action...high on interior redecorating tips.

Also: Aurora in her underwear.
Alpha Flight Annual #1


...

Okay, Alpha Flight Annual #1. You win. You win.

6 comments:

Intruder_W said...

My love of Alpha Flight stems from Aurora and Northstar sounding like French versions of El Dorado.

JdR said...

Yeah, but I liked it.

Philip G. said...

It's like the backdrops to old Colorforms sets. Maybe I'll make some Alpha Flight paper dolls and create my own adventures.

Myron said...

And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Bill, the Wildcat said...

Hmmm... Yes, I think that shot of Aurora would make this issue a worthwhile investment. Hel-LOOOOOOO NURSE!!!

Oh, and Myron... too damn funny. haha

Augie De Blieck Jr. said...

My favorite part? Aurora making damned sure she doesn't end her sentence with a preposition -- at any verbal cost!