Wednesday, March 11, 2009

No, Johnny, No!: The Inappropriate Loves of Jonathan Spencer Storm

Okay, so here's the first thing you have to know about Alicia Masters, even more than the fact that she's blind:

FF #8

She looks just like Sue Storm.

And that's Stan-level canon, folks. In fact, she looks so much like Sue that a blonde wig can fool her own brother who's known her for 16 years:

FF #8

And it takes even Reed quite a few minutes (admittedly, some very busy minutes where the Thing is busting names and taking heads) to realize that ain't Sue:

FF #8
This and previous panels are from Fantastic Four #8 (November 1962), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers

So. Keep that never-again-mentioned fact in your head: Alicia Masters looks pretty much like Susan Storm.

Flash forward many-Marvel years, during which loverboy The Thing has been dating and romancing Alicia, but has now been left behind on a distant planet in another galaxy (whatta revoltin' development!). And guess who's makin' time with Mister Grimm's girl?

FF #270
Panel from Fantastic Four #270 (September 1984), script, pencils, and inks by John Byrne, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Michael Higgins

Smooth move, flamebrain! Not merely moving in on your best pal's girl...but being attracted to a girl who, give or take a blonde wig, we've mentioned...just like your own sister. Johnny, no!

FF #276
Panel from Fantastic Four #276 (March 1985), script and pencils by John Byrne, inks by Jerry Ordway, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by John Workman

That ain't creepy at all, is it? Well, at least it's just a little huggin' and kissin'...with a girl that looks just like your own sister, Johnny. It's not like it's going any further, is it?

FF #277
FF #277
FF #277
Panels from Fantastic Four #277 (April 1985), script, and pencils by John Byrne, inks by Jerry Ordway, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by John Workman

Oh, those boys...they just love the roughhousing! Well, after all the rubble settles and Johnny gets out of traction, that's pretty much it, isn't it? I mean, it's not like it's anything more than just a little fling with a girl that looks just like your own sister, Johnny, right?

FF #300
Panel from Fantastic Four #300 (March 1987), script by Roger Stern, pencils by John Buscema, inks by Sal Buscema, colors by Glynis Oliver, letters by John Workman

D'oh! Johnny, no!

Well, it all works out in the end, when Alicia turns out to be a Skrull. Well, that'll happen. Mind you...a Skrull that can look just like your own sister, Johnny.

FF #357
Panel from Fantastic Four #357 (October 1991), script by Tom DeFalco, pencils by Paul Ryan, inks by Danny Bulanadi, colors by Christie Scheele, letters by Bill Oakley

Thankfully, that's all in the past and is pretty innocent—it's no worse than Professor X being in love with his teenage student in X-Men #3, is it? (Don't answer that.) But that's the only family member Johnny ever felt romantic towards, right?

Strange Tales #103
Panel from Strange Tales #103 (December 1962), plot by Stan Lee, script by Larry Lieber, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Art Simek

Geez, Johnny, no!


Dean said...

Well, this certainly puts Jimmy Olsen's adventures in super-incest in the shade. I wonder if Johnny ever asked Skrullicia whether she kept the blonde wig...

Ben looks so depressed in the wedding panel. Someone should give him a hug!

Tom Bondurant said...

Somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, a certain young Jedi feels a little better about himself.

J.R. Jenks said...

Sue doesn't need a bra, Mr. Hovertext. She's got forcefields.

SallyP said...

Well, to be honest EVERY woman in comics looked exactly alike! Their only differences were their color and styling! Frankly, it's a wonder that Reed was even able to tell that Alicia wasn't Sue, and it's probably only because she walked into a wall or something.

J.R. Jenks said...

Wouldn't it be funny to see one actress play all of the women in the next superhero movie?

We could also have one child actor play all of the child roles -- sort of an homage to John Byrne, who drew all children alike. (Compare his Billy Batson and his Franklin Richards.)

Zed said...

It's true what sally said.I thought it many a time.

Sleestak said...

And so Ben's relationship with Sue gets even more complicated.