Well, you know that it's going to be all right/When we go shopping

I'm in the money, I'm in the money... Oh, hi! I didn't see you there! I just got my weekly paycheck (from selling copies of Grit magazine ("Grit: celebrating rural America since 1882"). So yes, that jingling and jangling you here...that's cold, hard, American cash burnin' a hole in my little pocket! (Also, my Tinkerbell video game.) Let's go buy some cool stuff, shall we? And there's no place better way to spend my $4.44 than to head into midtown Manhattan, hop on the 6 train and get off at 42nd Street and Madison Avenue. Look up at that skyscraper towering above us...that's the fabulous Baxter Building, home of the world's most amazing quartet of superheroes, the Fantastic Four! And just like all great sightseeing venues like the Louvre, the Taj Mahal, and that Texas restaurant where Ben Grimm once ate a 72 ounce steak just to get his name on the wall...there's a gift shop. In this case, the fabulous and frantic Fantastic Store!:


Panels from Fantastic Four #503 (November 2003), script by Mark Waid, pencils by Howard Porter, inks by Norm Rapmund, colors by Matt Milla, letters Rus Wooton
Step inside this amazing fantastic shop, and manually widen your eyes in wonder at the incredible fantastic souvenirs and other uncanny fantastic loot your hard-earned wampum will buy! Why, I want one of those back-scratchers in the shape of Ben Grimm's crusty paw, and a bottle of "Sue Storm Invisible Bath Beads," and what visit to The Fantastic Store is complete without picking up your very own Willie Lumpkin action figure?



What's that? You say you can't make it to The Fantastic Store, because you're cut off from Manhattan by secretly invading Skrull armadas, a rogue Negative Zone eruption, or maybe you're just plain not on Earth-616? Have no fear, Bully's here! With The Fantastic Store Online...all the finest trinkets, toys, souvenirs and shi stuff that Johnny Storm hurriedly stamped "approved" because he was late for his date with Amy Winehouse! (Remember kids...alcohol and open flames don't mix!). Get your mouse a-revvin' and limber up your clickin' finger to buy some Fantastic Four merchandise. Remember...and I cross my little satin heart here...everything you see is exactly as it's currently titled and pictured on Amazon.com. they may be goofy, mis-conceived, titled incorrectly or displayed on Amazon with the wrong image...they're all weirder than the Impossible Man, but they're all as real as Stan Lee. (Click on the links if'n you don't believe me!) You can't make up this stuff, folks!

Stuff like this:

"Fantastic Four Mini Busts Triple Pack"

Hey, let's do three busts of the Fantastic Four...and leave out the one guy that most people like the best! That's a sure seller!



"Comic Book Metal Tin Sign Marvel Fantastic Four"

Wha' th'...? This is no "tin sign!" And has The Invisible Girl suddenly become The Dazzler?



"Fantastic Four #1"

Fantastic Four #1...for only $5.95?!? Wow, sign me up for that...oh. Ohhh.



"Marvel Masterworks: The Fantastic Four #61-71 + Annual #5"

Oh, it's so cute...this graphic novel comes with it's own little Mini-Me!



"Marvel Comics Collector's Edition The Fantastic Four Volume 2"

Now that's an appropriate image for the cover of a kid's videotape. No wonder the box itself is shouting NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



"Custom Photo Plate - Fantastic Four Photo Plate - Customize Your Fantastic Four Photo Plate With Your Favorite Photo"

Let's face it, kids...you'll never get to eat breakfast with the Fantastic Four...not even when your mom puts your photo on a personalized plate that guarantees you to be the saddest little FF fan around! Because your mom loves you enough to buy you a dinner dish from a company called "Healthy Happy Pet Net"!



"The Fantastic Four: Belgian Aerobic Showdown"

Remember that period in the 1990s when the Hulk, Ghost Rider, Wolverine and Spider-Man replaced the FF? They've got nuthin' on these guys. Calling Marvel's legal department...



"Fantastic 4 Series III 6" Figure: Clobberin' Time Thing"

It's FLASHERIN' TIME!



"Fantastic 4 Series IV 6" Figure: Sping Attack Mr. Fantas"

Okay, who doesn't hear an accordion going huh-haw, huh-haw, huh-haw when you see this thing?



"Fantastic 4 Child's Costume Accessory Boots Boot Covers"

Oh, yes, we swear that this is absolutely an authentic Fantastic Four costume accessory! It's definitely not just a generic product we're trying to brand to tie-in to a motion picture, no sir!



"The Fantastic Four Plug And Play Video Game"

Why aren't they making this video game controller for the Wii?



"Fantastic Four Mr. Fantastic Infant Costume: Size 12-18 months"

I think we all remember the issue of FF where Reed was transformed into an African American infant. (Truth to tell, I just thought this one was relentlessly cute!)



"Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer by Unknown. ART PRINT ON CANVAS with 3/4 inch deep bars. 11.00 inches width by 17.00 inches height. Highest Quality Art Poster Print"

Mel Brooks is "Mister Fantastic!” Dom Deluise is "The Thing!" Marty Feldman is "The Human Torch!" And Madeline Kahn is "The Invisible Girl!" They're all Jewish and all hiliarious!



"Fathead Fantastic Four The Thing Wall Décor"

Thing! Stop jumping on the bed!



"Mask of Dr. Doom 1/1 Scale Replica"

What If™...Victor von Doom was a 1960s Doctor Who monster?



"Fantastic Four Bob Bag"

"But Mommy, that's not the Thing!" "Shut up and punch your balloon."



"Premiere Collection: Formalwear Sue Storm 12" Statue"

And finally...we reach the point at which it doesn't matter whether you officially license a character or just churn out some generic crap in a factory and call it an official tie-in product.

So, if you've ever been wondering how the FF could ever go bankrupt...



Now you know...the rest of the story.