Esquire: Man at His Swingingest.

Hey, it's Clint Eastwood, the man so tough Chuck Norris calls him 'Dad,' on the cover of the January 2009 Esquire magazine. I'm allowed to read a few magazines made for grown-up folks, and Esquire is one of them, partly because of the incisive political and cultural reporting, partly for the style, cooking, automobile and fine living tips, but mostly for the incredible babes.

One of my favorite sections in Esquire is the monthly "What I've Learned" feature, where a celebrity passes on life lessons he or she thinks are important and helpful details useful for enjoying life, the people around you, and your world to its fullest. It's always fun to see what life lessons, say, Larry Hagman or Shelley Long have to pass onto a little stuffed bull. (Mostly: take care of your liver, and what was I thinking leaving network television's highest rated sitcom?!?, in that order.)

January's Esquire was therefore fifty times as fun to this little stuffed reader when I opened it to discover this is an all-"What I've Learned" feature issue. Not one, not two, not seventeen, but fifty people in entertainment, sports, politics, literature, and everyday life were spotlighted, every man and woman Jack and Jackie of 'em contributing a big-ass overflowing cornucopia of home-spun wisdom that not only do they take, they can dish out. Why fifty? Because each contributor represents a different state in the USA, so it's like a all-country road-trip with fifty great people riding shotgun. (And you can read it sitting on the toilet.) California provides cover boy Clint Eastwood, Nevada Wayne Newton, North Caroline Charlie Daniels, Indiana Larry Bird, Iowa Cloris Leachman, Alaska Sarah Palin a polar bear hopped up on fermented salmon.

Hey, let's see who's repping my favorite state, the place I live, the Empire State, the state that is so great they hired Stan Lee to write their state motto: New York. Which inspirational person will be representing New York, I wonder?:



Wha... Huh... Uh... Ummmm... Wha... Noooooooo.. No, Esquire magazine. Paris Hilton is not allowed to be the public face of lessons learned from New York. I simply will not let this happen. This will not stand! Especially with life lessons like

• Having a nightclub in your house really helps for a party, because then you don't need to go out.
• Things may seem to naturally come my way. But I work hard for them too. I have good karma.
• I put pheromones in a lot of my fragrances, and that attracts people to you. My new fragrance is called Fairy Dust. I'm dressed kind of like Tinkerbell.

No! Nein! Non! Nyet!

Okay, Bully, deep breath. If there's one thing Mama Bull taught you...a "what I've learned" of my own...is that bulls don't just sit back and lament mishaps when they can be fixed. A bull is an animal of decision and action. And tho' I may be a very little stuffed bull, I'm handy with a scanner, and the internet, and Adobe Photoshop Elements for Bulls 5.0. All I had to do was scratch my little fluff-filled head and come up with the name of a person synonymous with New York, whose very existence makes New York a better, happier, safer and funner place every single day of the year. After I came up with that person, the rest was easy as pie.

So pick up your copies of Esquire Volume 151, Number 1, tear out pages 80 and 81, crumple them in a ball and toss them out the window or at those pesky squirrels in your back yard, and replace them carefully with this new improved version of a New York celebrity telling us what he's learned that I made up for you:

(Click picture to Big Apple-size)

There we go. Much improved. Now, let's see who's on the next page. Ah, Florida, who will you...JEB BUSH?!? NOOOOOOOOO!

Okay, don't panic, folks. I've got this thing under control.