Friday Night Fights, Ladies Night: The Night They Drove Old Dixie Up Through the Roof of the X-Mansion

Well, howdy y'all, sugah pies! An' you, Bahlactus. Now set yo'self down in the rockin' chair on the porch an' Ah'll spin yo' a li'l yarn that's 'bout as thrillin' as the hound dawg who went down to the fishin' hole an'...

No. No dialect. Let's start again.

Long before Rogue of the X-Men was a bouncy, curvy, big-haired, magnolia-drawled superhero:




Even before she was Anna Paquin with a bad dye-job, a slightly-too-tight leather catsuit and a diminishing character arc:




Even way before the comic Rogue started taking Paquin's fashion advice:




But not before Rogue was growing up with her mute musical mama on a backwater New Zealand beach:




...she was an angular, nasty, wicked, evil, all-around bad girl who made her debut in Avengers Annual #10 by attacking and incapacitating Carol Danvers, once known as Ms. Marvel:



Panels from Avengers Annual #10 (1981), written by Chris Claremont, penciling and coloring by Michael Golden, inking by Armando Gil, lettering by Joe Rosen


So is it any wonder that when honey-drawled Miz Rogue comes a-knock-knock-knockin' on the front door of 1407 Graymalkin Lane, Salem Center, New York, looking to join up with those misfit mutants of mirth, the X-Men, that she receives the cold shoulder?




Nobody wants her on the team. Not regal, strong-willed, bathrobed Storm:


Panels from Uncanny X-Men #171 (July 1983) written by Chris Claremont, breakdowns by Walt Simonson, finishing and inking by Bob Wiacek, coloring by Glynis Wein, lettering by Tom Orzechowski


Not blue, fuzzy future Catholic priest Nightcrawler:




Not even Mary Sue Kitty Pryde is keen on the idea:




So, then, how do you think X-Men hanger-on Carol Danvers is going to react to the news? (Here comes the Friday Night Fights part, folks!)




Yeah. Just about like that.




One punch! One punch! Oh wait, Rogue's comin' back around to get her licks in...




Whoa, that went about as well for the South as the Siege of Vicksburg. (Look it up, history fans!)




So, every time from that point onwards, whenever you read Rogue bein' all cute and coquettish and giving you that honeydripped accent of hers and lockin' lips with the detestable Gambit, just remember: the South's most famous heroine goes down like a pack of cards when she's hit by a former US Army Major intelligence agent turned Kree superheroine turned binary-star-powered adventurer. As do we all. As do we all.

Still, that's no reason not to like the little swamp rat. She takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin', y'all. As Phil Harris once sang: "That's what I like about the South."




Bahlactus would never hit a lady.