Friday, March 21, 2008

You can have a HE-! MAN! VOICE!!!

You don't get the same caliber of ads in comic books these days that you useta. Case in point, from Fantastic Four #121 (April 1972):

You Can Have a He-Man Voice

Golly. In addition to being a 9.8 ounce weakling who gets sand kicked in his face at the beach, apparently my squeaky little stuffed bull voice isn't something that inspires confidence and respect. Maybe I need to get a deep, booming, he-man voice. Now, I don't know 'bout you, but when I think of a "he-man voice," the first thing I think of is

The second thing I think is "wow, I'm not certain if I wanna take he-man voice lessons from a guy named Eugene Feuchtinger." Here, in fact, are ten guys' names that sound more likely to have a "he-man voice" than a "Eugene Feuchtinger":
  1. Nick Slate
  2. Hart Stone
  3. Max Hammer
  4. Buzz Ripclaw
  5. Slade Manly
  6. Rick Terror
  7. Sam Turbo
  8. Frank Castle
  9. Rock Broadslab
  10. Lieb Schreiber
Still, Eugene Feuchtinger musta known what he was teaching, because the Perfect Voice Institute ain't no fly-by-night organization. Although it's no longer headquartered in Chicago, tough guy city, and is instead based in Johannesburg, South Africa, Feuchtinger's been pumping up your voice since 1916. And take a big steamin' gander at him: he looks like he could punch out Nick Fury and take on Frank Rock for dessert:
Eugene Feuchtinger

Read more about Eugene "I'll tear your head off" Feuchtinger here, and you can find out how to get the Feuchtinger method Perfect Voice DVD here. Longing for more nostalgia? Here's another great ad for the Perfect Voice Institute. Or, if you wanna get the full vintage he-man voice experience, pick up a copy of Eugene's book The Voice by clicking the Amazon link to the right. In no time at all you'll be getting the respect and admiration you deserve by talking in your new HE-MAN VOICE!


Anonymous said...

Hi Bully,

I'm writing on behalf of my friend Horace because Horace hasn't figured out how to type with his stuffed leather hooves yet.

When Horace and I first came to New York so I could go to college he was very sad and worried. "It's SO far away from Seattle!" he kept saying.

I reminded him that before coming to Seattle he had traveled all the way from Russia with his first special friend and before that he was Made in China: "You've traveled so much further than most little stuffed horses already!" But he remained unconvinced.

Now the Dean has some good news for me. She says I may spend my junior year at a drama school in London! I'm very excited. But Horace is terrified.

"What are we gonna eat?" he keeps asking. "What are you gonna do for new clothes when these ones rip? What if my seams get busted? Those birds I talk to out the window when you're at class say everything costs a bundle in London!"

I told him you can't trust anything a starling says, but he's worked himself into a frenzy of worry. Please tell us it's possible for a starving student and a little stuffed horse to eat at least one square meal a day in London, even if it's only dry toast...?

Yours Truly,
Arynne (and Horace)

Anonymous said...

Slade Manly. Oh good heavens Bully.

collectededitions said...

Boy, if I had He-Man voice, I'd say "By the power of Grayskull" all day long. At least once an hour.

Anonymous said...

Me, too.

Yeah, tough guys were routinely named things like 'Eugene' back in the day. In fact, Gene here looks quite a lot like my grand-dad, whose name was Clarence. It's just very hard to argue with a guy in a crew-cut, somehow.

Phillip said...

My roommate had a Scoutmaster named Ray Bonesteel. True. No word on the toughness of his voice, however.

SallyP said...

Wow. Ray Bonesteel is indeed a worthy name. However, I DO like Slade Manly the best.

I'll bet he's just BURSTING with testosterone. And a deep voice.

Jeremy Rizza said...

When your name is "Eugene", you'd better goddamn well have a He-Man Voice, just to make up for it.

Hmm. Since mere type can't express the brute majesty of my own He-Man Voice, maybe I should switch to TYPING IN ALL-CAPITALS INSTEAD!

YAAAARRRGGHHH!!! (I'm manly!)

Bill D. said...

I used to work at a video store where we had a regular customer who was actually named Max Hammer, and truthfully, he sounded more like a guy who should've been named Eugene Feuchtinger, especially when he'd ask for "a nice drama... something with a good ending."

Luke said...

You are clearly stealing from me- I made this connection two years ago! There's no way you could have come across this on your own, unless you read some comic books or something- and that's simply preposterous.

I demand that you refund all monies I have paid you for this article, or HEADS WILL ROLL!

Anonymous said...

Just saw this ad in HULK # 109 from Nov. 1968 and did a search on Google and your blog came up.

Funny comments !