Friday, September 16, 2011

The New DCU: There'll Be Some Changes Made

Consternation, uproar! The New DC is barely half a crisis into its new life, and already startling and controversial changes are being made that the fans are up in arms over! And aside from Rob Liefeld's return, many of these dubious changes involve the physical appearances of the DC Comics characters we've all come to know and love except Lobo. Unless you've had your head under an Earth-2 over the past couple days, you know that that Amanda "The Wall" Waller... now played by Beyonce!

Green Arrow no longer sports his luxurious blonde mustache and goatee!

Violating years of continuity, our beloved Batgirl is no longer Asian nor blonde!

And Superman no longer has a yellow belt! (Why did Superman wear a yellow belt, anyway?*)

But wouldja believe...there's more? (There is!) Here now, for the very first time: the most startling physical changes to classic characters in the new DC Universe!

Alfred the Butler: fat again

Aquaman: now has webbed toes

Jimmy Olsen: round as a Weeble

Starfire: now even bustier

Black Lightning: now Caucasian

Despero: now has only two eyes, plus monocle

Batman: real ears are now tall and pointy to match mask

Lois Lane: vestigial tail

Deathstroke: blind in different eye

Mr. Mind: now a beautiful butterfly

Dex-Starr: neutered

Guy Gardner: neutered

Black Canary: luxurious blonde mustache and goatee

Darkseid: combover

*To keep his blue pants up.


collectededitions said...

You forgot to mention that Hawkman's wings are in the front now, making hiding them under a suit jacket an exceptional challenge.

Harvey Jerkwater said...

Darkseid has learned the anti-good-taste equation! WE ARE ALL DOOMED! It's taking...effect...



SallyP said...

I wondered what happened to Ollie's facial hair!

Baxter Pancake said...

I'm glad people don't get this outraged when real people lose weight. HOW DARE YOU KIRSTIE ALLEY!!