Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Jane’s Recognition Guide to Inconspicuous Nazi Weaponry of the Fourth Reich

Jane WiedlinHi, everybody! It's me, Jane Wiedlin, pixiesque pop star, all-in-good-fun fetish model, cartoon voice actor, alien Starfleet communications officer, comic book creator (it's coming, I promise, one of these days!) and most important, friend of Bully, the little stuffed bull who's fun to hug and cuddle! That's why I was happy to step in and guest-write a post on his popular blog when he called me on his speed-dial and squeaked "Help, Miss Jane!" For that little fluffy guy, I'd do anything.

You've seen some of the very fashionable and flair-filled hats I wear up there in the paragraph above. But what you may not know about me is my intense and incisive interest and expertise in military history, most specifically the military history of Earth-616! When I'm not on tour or hanging out on a jet runway with my best friends, I like to relax with the latest Marvel comic book or a classic graphic novel (from your local comic book shop, of course! I, Jane Wiedlin, am not only anti-fur, I'm also vehemently anti-Scans_Daily!). On my free time I enjoy cataloguing and writing detailed histories of the high-grade military weaponry of Marvel-Earth, the Jane's Recognition Guides, which you may have seen in your local bookstore or displayed at a sales booth at one of the many comic book conventions I enjoy attending every year.

Tonight Bully thought you might enjoy taking an advance peek at my upcoming newest book in the series:

Jane's Recognition Guide to Inconspicuous Nazi Weaponry of the Fourth Reich

Jane's Recognition Guide to Inconspicuous Nazi Weaponry of the Fourth Reich features all the most subtle and secret stealth technology of mad Nazi scientists in their quest to resurrect their evil rule on Earth (616)! Wanna peek along with me at some of the great examples? Sure you do!

First up: You can sure tell that Thoom the Big Evil Nazi Robot is a baddie, can't you? Well, for one, the big swastika on the chest, but don't miss the giant metal claws of fire-belching or the super-aerating cleats on his big metal boots. He's evil! Still, you can't help but adore those simply delightful little booties, can you?
Tales of Suspense #72-74
All panels are from Tales of Suspense #72-74 (December 1965-February 1966), script by Stan Lee, layouts by Jack Kirby, finishes and inks by George Tuska, letters by Sam Rosen and Artie Simek

This super-science Nazi robot has been programmed with over one thousand intricate battle moves, plus he can also do the Hokey Pokey!
Tales of Suspense #72-74

Sadly, the giant stompy robot cannot accurately catch a Frisbee. Another triumph for the secret Wham-O scientists working for S.H.I.E.L.D.!*

Tales of Suspense #72-74

Another infamous Nazi war machine you'll encounter in these pages is the sinister and death-dealing Giant Flying Manta Ray! How can you know this usually-peaceful denizen of the deep is evil? Well, duh, check it out...swastika decals again. (And those things are really hard to get on without ripping them.) Also, every Manta Ray also includes an exact scale model of the University of Alabama's Bryant-Denny Stadium, the Pride of the Crimson Tide! I'm guessing those Nazi big-brains at ConHitlerCo are a little obsessed with electric football. That game never worked...the little guys always just wandered around at random while the whole thing buzzed. That is evil!
Tales of Suspense #72-74

What's more, the Giant Manta Ray and the Big Nazi Robot are specially built to connect together using the science of Mega Bloks, the evil bastard cousin of Lego! Also, apparently, magnetism, because, as Diet Smith has told me more than once, the nation that controls magnetism controls the universe! Then, he soared off in his flying garbage can. Half the time I have no idea what that guy is on about.
Tales of Suspense #72-74

You think they were evil before? Ha! That's like Charlotte Caffey thinking that she's the youngest one of the Go-Go's! No, together, they're twice as powerful, like some evil issue of Marvel Two-in-One starring, I dunno, Doctor Doom and Typeface! That's pretty evil, even by Nazi scientist standards.
Tales of Suspense #72-74

Special S.H.I.E.L.D. pencillers are immediately summoned to draw detailed blueprints of the Nazi war machines:
Tales of Suspense #72-74

As if that's not thrilling enough, Jane's Recognition Guide to Inconspicuous Nazi Weaponry of the Fourth Reich will also feature the monstrous, Geneva-Convention-shattering debut of...the Giant Flying Metal Skull of 1960s Character Actor Walter Matthau!
Tales of Suspense #72-74

For a triple threat, these three titanic terrors of the Teutonic throngs combine, not unlike Voltron, to form one giant and incredibly inconspicuous Nazi war machine! One that looks like a massively-shoulder-padded macro-encephalitic dwarf, but a war machine nevertheless!
Tales of Suspense #72-74

Still, like all the machinery of mayhem you'll find in Jane's Recognition Guide to Inconspicuous Nazi Weaponry of the Fourth Reich—the Fuhrer's Flying Fortress of Fear, Das Dethbüs, the Bombastic Biergarten and the Himmlernberg—this particular Nazi no-good-nik has an Achilles heel that you'll learn how to exploit, right in the pages of my book!
Tales of Suspense #72-74

Simply apply one (1) Captain Lemonhead supplied with blowtorch!
Tales of Suspense #72-74

It's shoddy craftnaziship like that which ensures Hitler, his successors, his evil clone or his army of undead Nazi vampire werewolf women will never succeed in their war against humanity, except in the literature of Harry Turtledove.
Tales of Suspense #72-74

So this is Jane Wiedlin saying goodnight America and all the ships at sea, and rush out to your nearest bookstore (if it's a Borders, you better really rush) and buy Jane's Recognition Guide to Inconspicuous Nazi Weaponry of the Fourth Reich! Also, buy bonds where you work or bank!

*Sometimes Huge Industrial Enemies Leave Divots.


David Campbell said...

I love you Bully.

Yatz said...

I want to get this straight:
There's a giant metal manta-ray flying in the sky, with a gigantic killer robot flying up towards it; Captain America is sitting on top of the flying manta-ray, flashing warning signals (by catching the sun on his shield), in the hope that "...someone will see them and alert Nato".

Ladies and gentelmen, I give you Stan Lee, the father of modern comics!

Little wonder we all came out half-ret... mentally-challanged.

SallyP said...

Oh God...Not Walter Matthau!

Siskoid said...

Jane: Please tell us about the War Wheel!

Dan said...

The Diet Smith line was great. I 'fondly' remember when senility started to hit old Chet Gould and Tracy was flying to the moon in Smith's Magnetic Space Coupe to set up Junior with Moon Maid. If you can't use magnetism to rule the universe, you can at least use it to get dates.

Bob said...

This is at least eleven kinds of awesome.