Monday, March 09, 2009

Let's get small!

Ant-ManHey there, suckers! It's me, The Irredeemable Ant-Man, poppin' up here to let you good folks get in on the ground floor of my latest, sure-fire, can't-miss, money-making, cash-for-nothing scheme! I mean, opportunity! This sort of chance comes along only once or twice in a lifetime, so get your credit card or checkbook out and pay attention. And don't contact the Better Business Bureau! You wanna keep this golden chance all to yourself, doncha? Of course you do!

So I betcha you're asking can giving cash to Ant-Man help me make even more money? And that's a very good question, bucky. You see, I'm going to let you in on a little secret that only the big-wig TV execs and Hollywood moguls know about: people love to get their entertainment for free. Millions of you are downloading entertainment for free from the internet! Why spend ten bucks to go see that Watchguy movie when your hard-earned cash is just gonna line the pockets of a rich Hollywood producer? Instead, why not just download that movie! Six hundred nineteen hours fifty-five minutes later, you've got a computer file of that movie, complete with audience applause and laughter, to call your very own. Possession is nine-tenths of the law, bud...look it up!

While surfing on the internet looking for naked photos of Jewel Straite, your kindly Uncle Anty here discovered the miracle way to make sharing comic books online! I discovered online communities of dedicated, hard-working, passionate and devoted fanatics who are doing a better job marketing comic books than the companies themselves scanning the comic books and posting them on the internet! But make sure you only post a percentage of that comic. Don't post the whole thing! It's the best alibi in the world: "I'm not doing anything illegal...who would want less than half of a comic book?" Darn straight, pal! So count the pages, divide by two, and subtract one. Then post those pages, punk!

How does that make you money? Here's the next step, kids! Open your own comic book store! Because (so the argument goes) posting half the comic book online makes people want to buy the full thing! Once you got your comic book shop open, lean back, kick up your feet, and watch the cash roll in! It's the easiest money made since they opened an Arby's down the street from Kirstie Alley's house!

But here's the kicker: just how can my patented shrinking technology make you even more money? Well, according to these folks online, no company can complain—heck, they should be thanking you—because you're increasing their business while only posting a minute percentage of the comic book! So, it goes to figure, the more minute the taste of a comic book, the more comics fans will want, right? That's why I've used my shrinking powers to invent


Tiny_Scans_Daily is the only comics-sharing technology that gives you the whole comic but still leaves you hungry for more! How does it work? Well, here's an ordinary comic:

Defenders #32

Now, if you tried to post more than a few pages of that comic book, you'd have a whole lotta trouble on your hands. But, through the miracle technology of shrinking, Tiny_Scans_Daily brings you the full comic book, every exciting page, every thrilling panel...shrunken to 10% its original size!! No, those ain't thumbnails—that's the actual size of the scans!

Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32
Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32Defenders #32

There ya go! Legally that's only ten percent of a comic, but it's still the whole banana! (Ten percent is well within fair use laws, or so legal experts on LiveJournal swear!)

So, doesn't that make you wanna rush down to your local comics store and buy, buy, buy more comics? Heck yeah, it does! But before you do, send your checks, money orders, credit card numbers or loose gold to Remember, you gotta spend money to make money, but as I've been told, sharing comics is our best and brightest way to make money for those hardworking folks in the comics industry! And me. Don't forget about me...the Irredeemable Ant-Man. So long, suckers!


Dave Lartigue said...

It's the homeopathic theory of comics!

Chris Sims said...

Suddenly, this blog is a lot more female-friendly!

Mikester said...

Good gravy! Our store's business is already up 200%, and we're not even open again until tomorrow morning! Thanks, Irredeemable Ant Man!

SallyP said...

Oh Bully. You ARE a financial genius.