Yep, you could rent or buy or download this series of pictures in motion, of which Entertainment Weekly has said "The movie isn't merely wrong for kidsit's just all wrong." You could settle in on the couch, wisely avoiding movie theater lines, and watch what Variety described as a movie that "never takes flight under Albert Pyun's leaden direction." And you could spend the next ninety minutes gaping in disbelief at "one of the dumbest movies of all time" (Ron Gonsalves, eFilmCritic.com). And with recommendations like that, why wouldn't you? Well, maybe because your little stuffed truly is gonna take the bullet for you, not by watching the movie (Mama Bull didn't raise no idiots!) but by reading the tie-in comic book. Read along with me, won't you? (Be sure to turn the page when you hear the "ding" or "retching" noise.)
< Whoops, I think I've accidentally picked up the comic book adaptation of Lisztomania, huh? It's 1936, it's Italy, and there's a kid playing the piano. Of such things are great Captain America stories made! You can just hear Stan saying "Now hold on, True Believers...don't put this comic book back on the rack...c'mon, it's only $3.50...face front...excelsior?...hey, c'mon back!"
Panels from Captain America: The Movie (May 1992), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Bob Hall, inks by Tom Morgan, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Joe Rosen
"Later," as comic books like to tell us, a mouse attacks a cat, inspiring the creation of several hundred Tom and Jerry cartoons, even those weird-ass Gene Deitch ones from the 1950s. No, actually, the mouse has been injected with the Super Soldier Solution, thus transforming him into a patriotic powerhouse who will fight in the upcoming war against tyranny and fascism...Captain Amouseica! What, you don't remember him appearing in Art Spegelman's Pulitzer Prize-winning graphic novel Maus? ... me either.
Naw, just kiddin'!
Before he ships out, Steve goes down to the beach to say goodbye to his best gal Bernie, who hasn't been the same since that freak hairstyling accident turned her coiffure into an ice cream cone.
That was my Captain America/Superman fan fiction, and September's Action Comics #1 had better not contradict it.
Alas, there's instead some psychobabble that involves driving the Red Skull mad by playing the recording of his parents being taken away by the government. Either that, or Cap's playing a Celine Dion tape. Whatever, the results are the same:
Special movie end credits bonus: Please support the Environmental Protection Act of 1990!