darn darn darn darn darn darn
Sorry 'bout that. I'm not very good at spoiler warnings. Anyway, I had the comic's surprise revealed early for me anyway when I first saw this morning's edition of AM New York, New York's free daily and the fastest growing tabloid newspaper in the field of being left behind on the subway to clutter up the seats. "Mus' be a slow news day," mused I as I sipped my Vanilla Frappucino on the F train from Brooklyn to Manhattan and surveyed the startling front page headline of AMNY that the guy in the spider-mask dangling upside down in the middle of the car was reading:
Golly! New York gots itself a new mayor! And I didn't even have a chance to vote. Grabbing myself a copy of the complimentary paper as it blew through the subway car, I couldn't believe my little black button eyes to see that J. Jonah Jameson has been elected Mayor of our Fair City. Golly! Well, that'll make an interesting change. I'm very supportive of his economic recovery and savings plans, as well as his urban renewal and financial bailout for the city's struggling newspapers. I'm can't say, however, that I'm entirely fond of his Spider-Slayer platform.
Still, it oughta make for a fun series of storylines. I really liked the concept of Lex Luthor as President, until it went kinda off the rails in a big slam-dash crash of green and purple battlesuits at the end. (Makes Nixon's departure look classy, don't it?) And hey, everybody loved that storyline with Green Arrow as mayor of...um...er...Green Arrow City, Arizona, I think. I can't wait to see what's up next for The Big Apple's new Hizzoner. I can confidently predict: more fines levied against people in blue and red spandex.
Still, makes ya think, don't it? What other Marvel Universe characters would be interested in politics, and in which cities do you think they'd make good mayors? Why, I've pondered that very same thing, and I think it would go something like this...
Iron Man: Mayor of Detroit, Michigan
No man is better suited for rejuvenating the failing automobile industry than ace technofuturist Tony Stark. Why, after four years of Mayor Stark, we'll all be driving flying cars and listening to Motown as we cruise with the tops down and a quart of rich, buttery Kentucky bourbon in the cupholder.
Thor: Mayor of Green Bay, Wisconsin
Thor enthusiastically approves of this frigid, frozen northern city which is home to the descendants of the bloodthirsty Vikings who first made him a household name, second in popularity only to Hagar the Horrible. Mayor Odinson especially respects the warrior ethics of the Packers, and is often seen to have traded his winged helmet for a rubber cheese hat.
Wonder Man: Mayor of Hollywood, California
In a day, age, and especially the state when actors like Reagan, Eastwood, Sonny Bono, and the guy from Conan the Barbarian can hold high office in California, what's preventing a bona-fide superhero from becoming Mayor of this world center of glitzy, glamorous, entertainment? He knows the industry and its players inside and out, and there's no one better suited for keeping Lindsay Lohan in line than Simon Williams. Nobody.
Jean Grey: Mayor of Phoenix, Arizona
A classic choice: both she and the city are hot and fiery, tempestuous and energetic, both can survive and even thrive in dangerous, barren climates that would beat down lesser beings, and both have murdered an entire planet of asparagus people. In the primary debates her opponents may have argued that she's ineligible for mayorship because she's dead, but just remember: by the time you get to Phoenix, she'll be rising.
Dazzler: Mayor of Branson, Missouri
Branson features celebrity acts who were briefly popular about thirty years ago, have never successfully revived their careers, but who still maintain a small but fanatic fan following. A perfect match.
Namor: Mayor of Miami Beach, Florida
Miami's well-organized elderly community almost elected one of their own as mayor, but their votes were split between octogenarian candidate May Parker and retroist Turner D. Century, guaranteeing a waterslide victory for Namor McKenzie. He's the ideal man for the job: he'll keep the waterfront safe, he understates the plight of immigrants who have lost their country, and he looks great walking around the city in a Speedo.
Hawkeye: Mayor of Las Vegas, Nevada
You might have thought a perfect fit for Vegas would be former Sin City muscleman Joe "Hulk" Fixit, but think about it: Clint Barton, former circus performer, is right at home in this world of showmanship and spectacle, and there's no better spokesman for the little city that was born on crime and grew on the science of taking a chance than ex-crook and flamboyant marksman Clint Barton. Nobody tries harder to impress us than Hawkeye; no city tries harder to dazzle us than Las Vegas. And hey, he knows his way around fabulous leggy showgirls.
The Thing: Mayor of Rock City, Tennessee
The Punisher: Mayor of Mayberry, North Carolina
Because what this town needs is some law and order, and no one will clean up this stinking, corrupt, crime-ridden heckhole faster than Frank Castle. In a town where the law used to have but a single bullet, Mayor Castle will make the town drunks and the crooked barbers sorry they stepped down the street for a slice of Aunt Bee's lemon pie. Also, Mayor Castle is very much looking forward to taking Thelma Lou out to a picture show.
The Kingpin: Mayor of Springfield, USA
Because Mayor Fisk is the only man who can stand up to the town's ruthless nuclear-power baron. Because he's the only mayor who can wipe out Fat Tony's gang in a single sweep. Because he's the only mayor who's more corrupt than the current mayor. And because he has vowed that he will bring down and utterly break Pie-Man.
Mary Jane Watson: Mayor of New Orleans, Louisiana
Hey, who did you think I was gonna nominate...Gambit? Non chance, cher! Nola is a party town, and it needs a party girl who understand the Crescent City's need to express itself with dancing, carousing, singing, and inexpensive plastic beads. She's also a socially conscious, caring woman who can bring her own special sympathy and healing to this shattered city. And she can make one mean crab etouffee. I'd vote for her on her campaign slogan alone: "Faisons-y face, tigre: laissez les bon temps roulez!"