Thursday, April 26, 2007

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.

AquamanGreetings, ocean dwellers, and welcome to the Sub Diego Sheraton for this afternoon's seminar: Law for Atlanteans! I'm your guest speaker, Aquaman. Thanks for coming today. In today's hectic submerged world, it's more important than ever to understand the workings of the modern courts and the law, and to prepare yourself for every eventuality in unexpected circumstances where may find yourself needing to understand the law, no matter which side of it you're on. Whether it's beating that SUI rap or suing the dry pants off that snake of an agent Ari Gold for not cutting you in on the movie deal he pitched you, the law is your super friend. Here in Atlantis we have a little joke: what's the difference between a shark and a lawyer? Give up? The answer is: one is an attorney at law, and the other is a Selachimorpha with a full cartilaginous skeleton. Heh heh heh. That's just a little lawyer humor.

Law for Atlanteans

Now, everybody out there in the audience: reach under your seat and you'll find a copy of your free book, Law for Atlanteans. That's just another perk we give you for attending this seminar—extra value for you smart info-hungry, everybody has a copy...look, it's over there, it floated away...there you go. We're giving this book to you at no extra cost, but if you were to buy this at your local bookstore, this thing'd run you twenty-two clams. Heh heh heh. That's another joke, folks. Can you all hear me there in the back? Um, sir, if you are leaving the seminar, can you please return your book...sir? Sir? Sir?...Well, folks, I guess we know now who's a little shellfish there in the back. Heh. Okay, look up here at the big, past the walrus...and let's take a look at an ordinary typical Atlantean everyman and how he copes with a mild brush with the law. While I give you some handy tips, see if you can spot any mistakes he might make in dealing with legal matters!

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Sooner or later you'll need a lawyer! Remember to engage the services of a professional attorney to get the job done efficiently and expeditiously!
Panels from Daredevil (1964 series) #7 (April 1965),
written by Stan Lee, pencils and inks by Wally Wood, letters by Artie Simek

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You can locate lawyers in your Yellow Pages or check with the local Bar Association! Don't be impetuous when you hire legal help—do your research first at home with phone or internet.

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Choose your lawyer carefully! Not any lawyer will do—there are hundreds of different specialties among attorneys. Don't simply waltz into a building from off the street and pick one at random!

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Be patient! Many top attorneys have packed schedules and may not be able to see you swiftly. Set up an appointment and wait patiently for your meeting!

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Show up punctually for your appointment! Don't be late for your meeting with your lawyer. It's best to arrive slightly earlier and relax quietly in the waiting room...they'll be out to see you swiftly!

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Want to sue someone? Keep the lawsuit simple! It may be tempting to go for the grand, precedent-breaking legal suit, but simple and to the point wins your case more often than complicated and grandiose!

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Listen to your lawyer! He's your educated and trained advocate in the field of law—pay attention to his ideas and take his advice!

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Politeness counts! Keep your lawyer on your good side by explaining your case calmly and thorough. Don't lose your temper—that won't help your case!

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Treat your lawyer's offices with respect! Keep your feet off the furniture and use that coaster, bucko! Show your attorney you're a cultured and refined person by acting the civilized Atlantean that you are!

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When arrested, you have the right to remain silent! Remember, anything you say can be used against you. Don't jeopardize yourself or antagonize the police by blabbing...keep your trap shut until your lawyer arrives!

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Never resist arrest! It's humiliating, but keep well within the limits of the law if you're handcuffed or put in restraints. They'll be removed at the station house, so keep calm and don't startle the police with sudden moves!

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Dress smartly for your court appearance! A jacket is always proper attire for the courtroom.

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Let your lawyer do the talking! You may have seen plenty of movies in which the defendant says, "I object," but remember your lawyer is a trained and paid professional: leave the legal stuff to him!

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Wait out your time in lock-up patiently! A cell is no fun, but don't antagonize the police or jeopardize your court case by rattling the bars or making a fuss! As they say in the big house, just "do your own time!"

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Never skip bail! Professional bail bondsmen have put up money to ensure you show up for your court case in time. If released into your own custody, follow their instructions and return to the court when ordered. Your bail bondsman will thank you!

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Co-operate with paid officials of the law! If you accidentally or mistakenly miss your court appearance, the bail bondsman will send a paid bounty hunter to escort you to the court. Don't be misled by mass media portrayals like Dog The Bounty Hunter, Domino or Janet Evanovich novels: bounty hunters will attempt to coax you into returning with a minimum of fuss. Real-life bounty hunters don't use extreme force on their's not good business!

Daredevil #7 panel
Above all, never leave the state while under parole! Doing so may seem like a quick solution, but the long arm of the law will follow you everywhere! It's your duty as a good citizen of Atlantis to face the music and the judgment of the courts, so stay in touch with your assigned parole officer. He's there to help you!

Lights, please...? Thanks! I hope all of you have learned from and find useful these tips on Law for Atlanteans! Let's take a quick kale break—everybody be back here at two-thirty for the section on historical legal court cases. We'll be starting with Roe. v. Wade.


Douglas Wolk said...

Okay, now THAT'S a kicker.

plok said...

The ultimate Marvel comic?

It's in the running, I think...

Siskoid said...

You'd be surprised at how many landlubbers could also stand to follow Aquaman's advice. I could tell you stories...

googum said...

Yeah, all my lawyer ever says is deny, deny, deny. How someone so obviously not helpful thinks he could be charged as an accomplice is beyond me...

SallyP said...

Against the advice of my attorney, I would like to comment on this.

Tee hee!

That is all.

Caleb said...

I like the bailiff's weird thoughts about how the naked Namor manages to transform any chair he sits in seem like a throne. TMI, random bailiff! That's why they did away with thought baloons in the first place.

Richard said...

I have that issue. Daredevil very nearly beats Namor.

You'd think they'd persuade him to wear pants, wouldn't you?

I guess nobody- not a smart lawyerp- is persuasive enough to make Namor cover up that sexy body.