But this Black Friday, I'm stayin' home and eatin' leftovers. Gasp! Will there be no Christmas at all at Casa de Bully? Au contraire, Sonny and Cher! I've already done all my Christmas shopping this season without stepping a hoof out of my warm, comfy house...without even clicking on the Internet or picking up the phone? How'd I do it? you wonder? Why, through the magic of comic book advertisements. Every possible gift you could think of to give someone is advertised in a comic book, and all you need is a little pencil to fill in the coupons and a stack o' stamps, and away you go, clipping out pages and ruining the future resale of your comic book, but saving Christmas at the same time, much in the spirit of a Rankin-Bass marionette special narrated by Gene Hackman and starring the voices of Matt Dillon, Lynda Day George, Wally Cox, Joey Bishop, Susan Dey, and Paul Lynde as the voice of "Santa."
You too can do all your Christmas shopping out of comic book ads...here, let me help you with some dandy Bully holiday suggestions that'll save you time, money, and disappointed looks of hatred and anger on Christmas morning!:
For Mom, who works her fingers to the bone and never has anything nice to wear around the house, why not a beautiful elegant designer dress? Mom has done everything for you, so spare no expense:
For Sis, who loves rock 'n' rollin' and bobby-soxin' to her favorite teen heartthrobs on her 45 RPM Close- n'-Play record machine: sixty smash songs on authentic petroleum by-product platters, without paying the premium royalties to the original artists! These tunes by simulated musicians under exclusive contract to "Hit Records" will have Sis boppin' and hoppin' all the way to the malt shop to hang out with Moondoggie and Gidget!
For your kid brother, who's always trying to borrow your comic books: put him in the picture with a specially personalized poster of the hit comic book Super Me featuring his own smiling happy little visage! Warning: the name, likeness and personality of your little brother will now belong to Todd Macfarlane Industries.
For your big brother, who's had it up to here with this place and is moving out to his own place along with pals Charley and Meat-face, as soon as he saves up enough money from his job at Senor Taco: this KISS make-up kit, which gives any teen enough white and black goop to look like Peter Criss! (And everybody wants to look like Peter Criss!)
For the family's baby, newly born and easily startled and scared, a calming and comforting nursery room playmate that will bob and rock over her crib throughout the night:
Here's a gift for the entire family! Tired of fighting for Wikipedia-time on the computer when you have to look up a subject or write a school report? Well, now, here's the newest innovation that goes one step beyond Wikipedia...this innovative "Encyclopedia" which can be used without computer, internet connection, or even electricity! Soon you'll be up to speed on our 31 United States Presidents and all about Cuba, our friendly tropical neighbor to the south!
For Uncle Earl, who's the life of every party with his fake rubber vomit and Shriner's fez, here's an authentic Frankie Yankovic-model accordion, which'll have the whole family rushing to hear his cheerful but haunting rendition of "Mama's Got a Squeezebox!"
Aunt Thelma, who just loves country music to pieces, don't you know, will adore this collection of forty, count 'em, forty hits my Tammy Wynette, including her smash singles "D-I-V-O-R-S-E," "Stand By Spider-Man," and "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em."
(I'm pretty sure George Jones came up with this advertising slogan:)
Hey look! You also get a free gift with purchase. What in the world could this flat, 12 inch by 12 inch mystery package be?
And remember, after you're done with all your holiday shopping, treat yourself to a little gift as a reward for finishing up so early! I picked up these Marvel Comics portfolios, complete with reprints of Amazing Spider-Man #1 and Daredevil #1 that I can sell on eBay and try to claim they're the original printing!
Yep, this snazzy art portfolio is a swell gift for any comic collector. It's got all my favorite characters: Spider-Man! Daredevil! Kraven the Hunter! Namor the Sub-Mariner! And, uh...um...er...
But how you gonna pay for all these swell holiday gifts? That's easy! I got my money the old-fashioned way...through a comic book advertisement!
No, I didn't use this ad to make money...
...this one, which comes in handy for hyp-mo-tizing folks into giving me their money! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!
And, if all else fails...just get 'em some delicious Hostess Fruit Pies.