Friday, November 28, 2008

Marge: Let's shop 'til we droop! Lisa: I think that's 'drop.' Marge: That's a very violent image, Lisa.

it's Black Friday! No, that doesn't mean you get to lie on the couch all day and watch Shaft and Shaft in Africa (although that's not a bad idea, and Shaft is beautiful, baby!) It means rush, rush rush to your nearest place of commerce, and then barter your fine pigs and other livestock for fabulous bargains on everything you need for the holiday gift-giving season, from high-definition television sets to high-definition television set stands.

But this Black Friday, I'm stayin' home and eatin' leftovers. Gasp! Will there be no Christmas at all at Casa de Bully? Au contraire, Sonny and Cher! I've already done all my Christmas shopping this season without stepping a hoof out of my warm, comfy house...without even clicking on the Internet or picking up the phone? How'd I do it? you wonder? Why, through the magic of comic book advertisements. Every possible gift you could think of to give someone is advertised in a comic book, and all you need is a little pencil to fill in the coupons and a stack o' stamps, and away you go, clipping out pages and ruining the future resale of your comic book, but saving Christmas at the same time, much in the spirit of a Rankin-Bass marionette special narrated by Gene Hackman and starring the voices of Matt Dillon, Lynda Day George, Wally Cox, Joey Bishop, Susan Dey, and Paul Lynde as the voice of "Santa."

You too can do all your Christmas shopping out of comic book ads...here, let me help you with some dandy Bully holiday suggestions that'll save you time, money, and disappointed looks of hatred and anger on Christmas morning!:



For Dad, who's always complaining about the gosh-darn price of gas: the miracle pump that attaches to your car to give you the power of driving 30 days on a single tank full of gas! It does mean Dad'll be 43,200 miles away from home, but hey! Cheap gas for your pop!
Black Friday gift suggestion



For Mom, who works her fingers to the bone and never has anything nice to wear around the house, why not a beautiful elegant designer dress? Mom has done everything for you, so spare no expense:
Black Friday gift suggestion



For Sis, who loves rock 'n' rollin' and bobby-soxin' to her favorite teen heartthrobs on her 45 RPM Close- n'-Play record machine: sixty smash songs on authentic petroleum by-product platters, without paying the premium royalties to the original artists! These tunes by simulated musicians under exclusive contract to "Hit Records" will have Sis boppin' and hoppin' all the way to the malt shop to hang out with Moondoggie and Gidget!
Black Friday gift suggestion



For your kid brother, who's always trying to borrow your comic books: put him in the picture with a specially personalized poster of the hit comic book Super Me featuring his own smiling happy little visage! Warning: the name, likeness and personality of your little brother will now belong to Todd Macfarlane Industries.
Black Friday gift suggestion



For your big brother, who's had it up to here with this place and is moving out to his own place along with pals Charley and Meat-face, as soon as he saves up enough money from his job at Senor Taco: this KISS make-up kit, which gives any teen enough white and black goop to look like Peter Criss! (And everybody wants to look like Peter Criss!)
Black Friday gift suggestion



For the family's baby, newly born and easily startled and scared, a calming and comforting nursery room playmate that will bob and rock over her crib throughout the night:
Black Friday gift suggestion



Here's a gift for the entire family! Tired of fighting for Wikipedia-time on the computer when you have to look up a subject or write a school report? Well, now, here's the newest innovation that goes one step beyond Wikipedia...this innovative "Encyclopedia" which can be used without computer, internet connection, or even electricity! Soon you'll be up to speed on our 31 United States Presidents and all about Cuba, our friendly tropical neighbor to the south!
Black Friday gift suggestion



For Uncle Earl, who's the life of every party with his fake rubber vomit and Shriner's fez, here's an authentic Frankie Yankovic-model accordion, which'll have the whole family rushing to hear his cheerful but haunting rendition of "Mama's Got a Squeezebox!"
Black Friday gift suggestion



Aunt Thelma, who just loves country music to pieces, don't you know, will adore this collection of forty, count 'em, forty hits my Tammy Wynette, including her smash singles "D-I-V-O-R-S-E," "Stand By Spider-Man," and "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em."
Black Friday gift suggestion



(I'm pretty sure George Jones came up with this advertising slogan:)
Black Friday gift suggestion



Hey look! You also get a free gift with purchase. What in the world could this flat, 12 inch by 12 inch mystery package be?
Black Friday gift suggestion



And remember, after you're done with all your holiday shopping, treat yourself to a little gift as a reward for finishing up so early! I picked up these Marvel Comics portfolios, complete with reprints of Amazing Spider-Man #1 and Daredevil #1 that I can sell on eBay and try to claim they're the original printing!
Black Friday gift suggestion



Yep, this snazzy art portfolio is a swell gift for any comic collector. It's got all my favorite characters: Spider-Man! Daredevil! Kraven the Hunter! Namor the Sub-Mariner! And, uh...um...er...
Black Friday gift suggestion



But how you gonna pay for all these swell holiday gifts? That's easy! I got my money the old-fashioned way...through a comic book advertisement!
Black Friday gift suggestion



No, I didn't use this ad to make money...
Black Friday gift suggestion



...this one, which comes in handy for hyp-mo-tizing folks into giving me their money! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!
Black Friday gift suggestion



And, if all else fails...just get 'em some delicious Hostess Fruit Pies.
Black Friday gift suggestion

4 comments:

Johnny B said...

That's Mr. Fear, Bully!

SallyP said...

That's one heck of a Christmas wish list.

Lea said...

That clown will give me nightmares for weeks.

S R Management said...

I ordered the 60 smash hits about 1964 or '65 and imagine this 13 year old's disappointment when the record came in and all the songs were by a group called the "Sound A Likes" or something like that. 40+ years ago and it still stinks.